Valerie & the Johns

It’s 2:00 a.m. EDT in Washington. A conference call has been set up among State Secretary Kerry, Senator McCain and Valerie Jarrett, hereinafter referenced as K, M, and J.

**J: This better be good, you guys…do you know what time it is here? Where are you anyway, out slumming?
**K: Sorry for any inconvenience, Val, I’m here in Dead Sea, Jordan, and…
**M: And I’m here somewhere in Syria or maybe Turkey…depends on where that red line is, you know…
**J: I’ll forget you said “red line” Senator…you know that’s a sore subject here right now.
**K: Yeah…that’s Rubicon territory, John, and we have no need to…
**M: I got the right guys this time for the president to unload everything from M-16s to rockets on and…
**K: Watch it there, John. You thought you had the right guys in Benghazi in 2011 and now look at…
**J: Yeah, those jihad nutcases have taken all of ’em over to Syria…hey…you better watch out there Senator. A white guy’s the same as camel dung there…if you get my drift.
**M: Not funny, Valerie. Just go wake up the president and let me explain…
**J: You gotta be outta your mind Senator. I didn’t dare wake him up even when Benghazi was on fire last September and the ambassador was getting wasted. What’s a few thousand Syrians here or there? Whatta you want…a drone or two to bomb Assad and start another Arab Spring? We got hung out to dry in the last Arab Spring.
**K: Good grief, John! Here I am trying to spread four billion dollars around to buy off all the Palestinians in the interest of peace and you’re…
**M: Oh yeah, John, like you tried to settle the whole world back in 1970 by meeting that bunch of commies in Paris. (laughs) Yeah, you a lowly reserve lieutenant tryin’ to be the secretary of state with all those tales of Americans killing 200,000 Vietnamese civilians a year…oh hahahaha.
**K: Not funny, John! I did my duty…got the purple hearts to prove it and…
**M: Yeah…three of ’em in four months without a scratch from the enemy. Are they the ones you threw over the fence in that protest gang of hippies when…
**J: If you wanna fight the Vietnam War again, don’t try to do it on my time and I’m about to hang up if you’re…
**M: Don’t do that, Valerie. Remember, Assad is killing his own people and we need to get into a no-fly zone right now and…
**K: Yeah…like Qaddafi was killing his own people and you, Senator, plumped for all that hardware that went to al Qaeda in Libya and now it’s in Syria and nobody knows who’s running the joint, never mind your crazy notion that you know who is. By the way, who ordered up this call and why?
**K,**M: We did.
**K: Four billion won’t cut it with Abbas. He’s holding out for another cool billion wired to his personal bank-account in Switzerland…to finance hospitals, of course.
**M: This top-grade fourteen-star rebel-general needs 85 troop carriers, 10,000 grenade-launchers and a quick no-fly zone right now, Valerie, so I told him I would pull the president off the golf course and take care of the matter, so puh-leeze get on the ball and…
**J: Golf course? You outta your mind, McCain? Can’t you read the time-zone map? The president’s not scheduled to tee-off until 10:00 a.m. and he expressly told me he needs plenty of rest since he’s playing against Putin’s ambassador and needs to show his resolve.
**M: Oh hahahahaha! I thought it was flexibility he promised to show Putin when he was reelected. Remember that open mike, Valerie, when…
**J: First the red-line remark and now this insult, McCain. You’re toast here, especially since the president told me specifically to never let a call from you get through to him. He’s still plenty steamed that you tried to con the election by choosing that awful woman from Alaska to be your veep—a blatant show of using a hired woman to…
**K: Yeah…that was a mean-spirited thing to do, John…and then having to pay off Katie Couric and that Gibson guy and the rest of that sorry media propaganda gang to figure ways to embarrass you and her both. That took a big hunk out of the campaign funds. News-anchors don’t come cheap…or haven’t you noticed? How much you paying that camera-gang with you there…wherever you are or think you are? I saw the posed pictures in the paper. You looked like you were about to flop down on a prayer-rug and face Mecca.
**J: Hear, hear, Secretary Kerry! Well-said! Goodnight, McCain, don’t let the RPGs bite. And, you, Mr. Secretary, don’t ever call here at night unless maybe something like a Russian invasion of California is happening.
**M: Yeah, Ms. Jarrett. That’s where all the campaign funds come from…that movie crowd! They’d all wind up in Lubyanka Prison. (wild laughter)
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