It's mid-afternoon in a room over the Anything Goes Bar on a busy street in South Chicago. In attendance are university professors William Ayers and his wife Bernardine Dohrn, the Rev. Dr. Jeremiah Wright and former State Secretary Hillary Clinton, hereinafter referenced as A, D, W and C, respectively, though perhaps not respectfully.
**W: Welcome, Secretary Clinton, to the Union to Negate Demeaning of Erudite Realists, Theologians and Honest Educators Basic to the United States.
**C: Uh…the what?
**W: You mean you don’t know what the…in fact, I figured you’re here to join, now that you right soon might be rode out of your campaign, no matter whatever happens in that pit of vipers in Washington. You ain't got Benghazi and Gowdy off the radar yet and I heard Barack's mighty bothered 'cause it keeps remindin' folks about that Rose Garden lie and...hoo hahaha...he might endorse ol' Bernie and...
**A: (interrupting) Maybe you’ve heard of it by its acronym, Hillary, Under the Bus. It’s made up of the people who’ve been…
**W: kicked off the team 'cause they stood up for…
**D: Oh…don’t be so whiny, Rev. Just because Barry had to disown you after that awful performance at the National Press Club…after all, you got your reparations in the 1960s and…
**W: We ain’t got no reparations yet, Bernardine, and I’ll thank you again to call me Doctor, not Rev. You musta missed Farrakhan's clambake the other day...that million man thing where I spoke for five minutes at the Capital and he spread wisdom for two and a half hours. He made it plain that the reparations gonna be paid or he's gonna recruit 10,000 community organizers to tear up stumps, and that Baltimore mayor already said to give some space for protestin'...hoo hahaha...watch them buildin's burn.
**A: Cool it, Rev. We did that number years ago and even offed some folks, and now look where we are...under the bus, the two people who started Barry on his way. What brings you to this exclusive club, Hillary? By the way, we aren’t the only members. I guess you remember Tom Daschle, for instance, and Richardson and Lerner and Petraeus and Carney and McChristal and...
**D: I bet you need someone sorta...you know...outta sight...get it...oh hahaha...Manson rides again. Hillary, you made the evil republicans just the same as Iranian butchers when you laughed your way through those questions the other day...your personal enemies...oh how rich...republican be-headers...whee...the old carotid-artery chop!
**A: Stop it Bernardine! (turns to Hillary) Ever since those be-headings over there in Iraq and the one in Oklahoma a while back, she's been on a tear...caught a mouse last night and cut off its head with the scissors...gory. I stopped her from sticking a fork in the cat this morning.
**D: Reminds me of the old days...bombs away...whee...civil justice one-oh-one for the freshmen.
**A: Yeah blowin' in the wind...blowin' up everything...the old underground...those were the days...(starts humming)
**W: Knock it off, Bill. You can sing them ol' Vietnam folk-songs on your own time.
**A: Oh...sorry about that...we do get carried away once in a while. Teaching in the universities is s-o-o-o boring these days, even though they espouse our causes, mainly soak the rich...get 'em on their knees...make love not war, or maybe transgendering now...whatever. So, what's up, Hill, you in a bind with Barry or something? Is he threatening to tell all and sink your candidacy...oh hoo hahaha. You could both go the Big House! By the way, thanks for asking me to get the best minds available for some help with a problem. You got it, right here. I even tried to get Father Pfleger but he was doing the Barry-soft-shoe in some church on the north-side. No offense, of course.
**C: Oh no and Barack's not ever in a bind...he's Teflon. The newsies—except for that evil Fox bunch—give him a pass on everything, me, too, on most things. What he...or I...need is...uh...just a sec (whips out her ipod)...oh yeah, that's today...or was it yesterday, you say...or did I say...don't raise your voice, John, I remember. (clicks off) That was Kerry. The president is getting a lot of flak over the ISIS thing, not that he considers it serious, of course...just some Muslims having a fight. Whoa, strike that...never mention that I said Muslim. A bunch of gang-bangers are taking over Iraq and Syria...John's got the president on his back...needs to go over, smooth things out and spread money, the usual way, and wonders about the best place to stay...farthest away from the snipers.
**W: Gang-bangers!!!! Oh...hoo hah...hahahaha...gang-bangers! That's what we have right outside this door here, Hillary. That ISIS bunch is drivin' tanks and takin' over whole countries, not just blocks.
**C: Okay, okay! There IS a slight problem and the president believes his closest advisers—besides Valerie Jarrett, of course, Sharpton and CBS—need to think over this problem and come up with a solution since he's never going to put troops over there again, but that's his problem, though actually, that's the reason for my mission here...what to say about ISIS so I won't ruin my campaign, not that it's in any real trouble. Should I listen to the military guys and fry the place or pull our guys out? I have no clue!
**D: Simple...simple...simple! Just drop the big one over there and...oh...hoo hahahaha...instant incineration, another Hiroshima...I'm talking about Israel, of course...wipe out all those kikes...and all those peaceful Muslims will cut off some hands, stone some folks, then party all night to celebrate and pray five times a...
**A: Stop it, Bernardine! We have a real problem here and Hillary's up the well-known creek.
**W: Yeah...I tried to tell him the chickens would come home to roost when he bombed those helpless Libyans back to the Stone Age, like they came back after Nagasaki back in the day. You know what I say...
**D: Everybody knows what you say, Rev...God damn America...right? Well...maybe Allah's damning God...oh hoo hah, damning God...
**W: And some nutcase just walked into the White House a while back and...
**D: Oh wow...with some of that fertilizer stuff he could have pulled off...hey, surely not an inside job...I never trusted that Jarrett woman...or even Michelle...she'd already gone on her own little helicopter flight that day and left the door wide open, the floozy.
**A: You might tell Barry to borrow a few trillion from China and hire an army from Siberia or Burma, or whatever it's called now...those guys will...naw, it's too hot for them in the Middle east, temps in the 100s. But Stick with the Gulag gang-bangers from Siberia anyway...hoo hah hahaha...simple...(starts humming again)
**C: Actually, I'm wondering, Bill—and you're a little off-key...Bubba and I used to sing that between puffs—if you could figure a way to terrorize the fat Saudi king and the dictators of those other countries bordering Syria—about 1.3 million troops altogether—to just go in and smash ISIS and save their own oil...er...that is, skin. They got all kinds of jet-fighters, tanks, and missiles, the whole nine yards...and this problem would go away in a week and not threaten my campaign.
**A: Not to put too fine a point on it, Hillary, but I don't like the word terrorize...I'm not a terrorist. I'm a freedom fighter...
**D: That's right...bombs away...it's blowin' in the wind...stick a grenade in the fat prince's palace-hootch...oh...hoo...hahahaha. Freedom fighters in the marketplace! Barry got it right...man-caused disasters on the loose!
**A: That's enough, Bernardine. Timeout for you! (turns to Hillary) I'm serious about the army and Barry could be wrong or right about the gang-bangers as ISIS. If you still have pull, tell him to get his community organizers in place to train Chicago's Crips, Bloods, jailbirds and jail-bait to infiltrate ISIS and re-steal Uncle Sugar's stuff and give it to Ayatollah Khameini and that oughtta be enough to scare Baghdadi and his gang back into Libya where they might starve, and good riddance. Your problem would be solved, the campaign saved. But don't say or do anything until you sound out Putin or he'll rain on your campaign.
**C: Hey, you might have something there, and the president could organize in no time with his experience...have it all done by noon and then off for 18 holes while my campaign goes merrily along. Thanks, guys...gotta go.
**W: By the way, Hillary, did you ever get that little guy that made the film you lied about outta jail?
**C: A-A-R-R-G-G-H-H!!!!!! WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE????
And so it goes.