Dear Rev. Sharpton:
I am writing to suggest that you might be a candidate for the services of the Institute for Modifying All Governmental Entities (IMAGE, for short). This isn’t to say your heroic work in re-socializing the nation has not been well done, only that it might be susceptible to improvement. Your efforts vis-à-vis the Trayvon Martin affair were laudable right up to the end, at which time that evil George Zimmerman was found innocent of all charges. Your insistence that Zimmerman had no right to occupy the same sidewalk as Martin was not believed by the jury—all women—but that only proved how wrong they were. You qualify for my agency’s help because you work for MSNBC, a government agency by any measure. I’ve even heard that both your legs tingle like those of your colleague, Chris Matthews, when the president even sneezes, much less speaks.
IMAGE’s department that can help you more easily pick subjects for use in re-socializing activity is called the Consortium Referencing Eerily Evil-Perpetrating Yahoos, or CREEPY, for short. It is CREEPY’s mission to expose people like Zimmerman and would have been a great help to you before you attempted to use Tawana Brawley in one of your earlier “hate whitey” campaigns. As you know, IMAGE took up offerings to help in your defense when you accused a police detective of perfidy and were sued, losing the case. I understand that others have helped you pay off the damages awarded that evil detective, whom the president would have accused of acting stupidly. IMAGE was contacted by the White House recently for advice on whether or not the president should have said that Aaron Alexis could have been his son or nephew 34 years ago. As you have noticed, the president has said no such thing. IMAGE is never wrong.
IMAGE’s arm that can help you say and write the right thing at the right time is the Agency for Solemn Syllogisms, or ASS, for short. Since you’re a minister, you may feel no need for ASS, but you must remember that anyone of your importance must be careful about public pronouncements. Publishing that picture of you and your girlfriend recently with a caption indicating it was made at the Congressional Black Caucus Dinner was a mistake, especially since she’s 23 years younger than you and you’re still married. The infidelity is okay these days—after all, it’s celebrated in this country now—but that age-difference is a no-no, making evil republicans and tea-partiers call you an old lecher. IMAGE would have suggested far more discretion.
Your being a minister leads to this final suggestion that an arm of IMAGE called the Congregation for Religiously Activating Cacophonous Kinetics Energizing Riots (CRACKER, for short), would be useful. In your invasion of Sanford, Florida, in 2012, the protests were loud but not nearly loud enough for the scalp of George Zimmerman to be exhibited on the City Hall flagpole. The parades were disorderly enough but were totally devoid of religious rappers. After all, your mission as a minister is to put a religious stamp on every activity, and rapper-speak is the “in thing” right now, whether calling for the wasting of cops or the rape of grandmothers or the saving of souls. You didn’t even have a religious rapper-band at the trial with something like “Georgie, Georgie Zimmerman/Joining Satan’s caravan/Off to burn forevermore/Faith of brothers to restore.”
You could have had the brothers to put that rap on those humongous speakers in pickup-beds and back-seats (the ones that make the earth shake at traffic-lights) and driven any Sanford jury to a guilty verdict, whether composed of women, men, a combination of each or a gang of orangutans. The courthouse would have shaken on its foundations…and all in the name of religion, your primary calling.
So, you see, I hope, how IMAGE could have helped with its CREEPY-ASS-CRACKER agencies. A lot of other opportunities for re-socializing the country (actually the whole world, for someone of your talents) are out there every day. You’re quite busy as the head guru at MSNBC and I suspect you haven’t the time to do a number on the most important disenfranchise-mongers. Let IMAGE help. Racism is alive and well, as you so aptly prove, so I’ll await your business.
I.M. Otherself, CEO
And so it goes.