Letter of Welcome(?)

Senate Office Building
Washington, D.C.

Dear Appeals Court Judge Roberts,

As the most prominent members in either party of the Senate Judiciary Committee before which you will soon appear, we wish to express our informal congratulations upon your nomination by President Bush, though you should not let it go to your head, since the vice president is the only administration-member with gravitas, not the cowboy from Crawford, and Mr. Cheney didn’t appoint you to anything. This may seem rather blunt, but true and tried intellectuals, such as we, of course, are accustomed to being given strict attention, and bluntness is one way to get such attention. Since you’re only 50 and since you’ve argued before the Supreme Court only 39 times, we feel your attention span may be short, especially since you won only 25 times, or a measly 64%, so we, being accustomed to cogitating in and out of session for hours on end, suggest you prepare for a hearing-period not to exceed ten years, or until the “Gang of 14” surrenders, provided Senator McCain gives permission and allows a vote, or Majority Leader Frist commits a virtual criminal act and/or political hara-kiri by foreclosing the filibuster option and invoking cloture, whichever comes first.

In your opening statement, you should make reference to your qualifications, if you can think of any, but don’t take up much time on this. The fact that you’ve been appointed by a president without gravitas does not commend you highly, and the recommendation from the American Bar Association is suspect, since all lawyers, except the signers of this letter, are suspect, though their lobby has the good sense to pour millions into democrat campaigns and such respected organizations as MoveOn.org. After the few seconds it should take to enumerate your qualifications (and please feel free to disqualify yourself if in that process you become embarrassed), please do not explain that your father came up the hard way, like former Senator Edwards did in losing the 2004 campaign for Senator Kerry, since we already know he didn’t. Also, out of deference to Senator Kerry, who is not on this committee but is a fellow absolutely-sterling-integrity-reeking lawyer and who would be president but for the idiots in Ohio, do not say anything nasty about the French, lest we go into “attack mode” and ask what you think about Abu Ghraib and thus force you to say the scene there was bad, thus alienating the NRA and hurting your party’s chances in the redneck states next year.

Be careful, under threat of contempt since Chairman Specter has been known to do crazy things that appeal especially to democrats, when addressing the minority vice chairman to remember the name is Leahy and not Leaky, a term used constantly on the redneck, conservative talk-shows, especially since Novak outed Valerie Plame Wilson as a CIA agent. If you make any reference to Senator Leahy’s being thrown out of a hearing in the 80s because of leaking information, the vice chairman will accuse you of not only lacking manners, but also lacking enough gravitas to know when to hold ’em and when to fold ’em, something the public will understand as intolerable in a SCOTUS justice, since all the poker-shows on TV have defined real intelligence.

Senator Kennedy, a signer, may forget and ask you what you think of all the torture at Guantanamo. If you even so much as mention “water” in your answer, even as a part of the heinous “water torture” of which none of us have seen any evidence but have heard about, you will be in a deep quagmire of hanging chads, since we can force you to talk about people who couldn’t handle punch-ballots in Florida in 2000 or voting machines in 2004, thus making you appear as what some would call “uppity” and therefore liable to make judgments on the basis of discrimination rather than gravitas. The pickets in front of the SCOTUS building can be a scary bunch, especially the NOW ladies, who already hate you and need little further reason to become angrier.

Senator Biden, a signer, will smile at you when it’s his turn to offer questions and short homilies about many things. Some have called his smile a smirk, but be assured his smile is not a smirk or, as some have termed it, a smirlk. He is naturally friendly and may call you something like “Buddy” or “Robbie, old boy” or “Justice Johnny,” but you should not take offense and offend the senator by taking offense since senators are never to be offended in public or have their gravitas, inborn as it is, suspected of masquerading as foolishness. He addressed Attorney General Gonzales as “Buddy” during the AG’s hearing, besides which making up that quote from Colin Powell about Bolton – “We’re watching you, Johnny Boy.” So, the senator just lessens the tension in hearings by being foolish, and you should understand that. A word of caution: The chairman has promised to cut you off if you make any statements about the crime of stealing and thus call attention to Senator Biden’s plagiarizm of speeches in his 1988 campaign for the presidency. He has already said he didn’t do that and that he won’t do it again in 2008, when he will run again.

Any philosophy concerning the military will hurt your chances, assuming the republicans on the committee bring up the subject, as they probably will in an effort to embarrass Senator Durbin, who will ask you no questions about this subject, the reason being that it has nothing to do with Roe vs. Wade. In answering the republicans, you will offend the democrats, especially Senator Durbin, if you use such terms as “gulag,” “nazi,” “killing fields,” etc. Unlike former president Clinton, Senator Durbin does not loathe the military, though he admits to not liking it very much, exercising his right as a citizen with exemplary gravitas not to like inherently un-likeable things such as the American thugs at Guantanamo complaining about those awful screeches five times a day when the Muslim patriots turn toward the East and hit their prayer rugs.

As you may know, Senator Schumer has announced his intentions to blow you out of the water or deep-six your nomination or feed you to the wolves or otherwise knock you out of the saddle and leave you twisting in the wind, being very original and exuding gravitas from every pore. This is not to be taken personally and you should not respond to his questions with something like “Perhaps you had a fight with your wife this morning.” The senator is serious and simply acts as the “bad cop” part of the team, while Senator Feinstein will act as the “good cop,” like in those law-and-order TV shows. This is mentioned here so that you will not be blindsided by the democrats. In return for this favor, perhaps you will consider not calling attention to the fact that Senator Schumer, when exhibiting his gravitas while in angry mode, often froths at the mouth; and, of course, you are now, as a favor, warned not to get directly in his line of fire.

Although they do not lack gravitas (but haven’t as much as we) and are not signers below, fellow democrat Senators Kohl, Feinstein, and Feingold share our feelings, to wit, that you should never have made it to the Appeals Court or even to a city police-court. You are aware we kept you from the Appeals Court for two years, and we are prepared to explore every avenue whereupon there is a scrap of paper, speech, decision, grocery list, hat-check receipt, movie-ticket stub, adoption document, McDonald’s order accruing to obesity-inducing Big Macs, parking tickets, confederate money, mistreatment of squirrels through maintaining only bird-feeders, and any other entity impacting your nomination. However, you will receive fair treatment from us in the hearing, as you should recognize by this letter of congratulations. Meanwhile, since we have not been able to secure this information, though it has been properly subpoenaed, would you please furnish the committee your fourth-grade reading scores.

Warmest regards,

Senators Leahy, ranking minority member