The LKBSD Conference


It’s 1:00 a.m. and the following democrat members of the Senate Judiciary Committee are engaged in a conference call: Leahy, Kennedy, Biden, Schumer, and Durbin, hereinafter referred to, respectively, as L, K, B, S, and D.

***L: Everybody online here, gang?

***B: Don’t use that word, Pat…it reminds me of the Gang of 14…half of them traitors to our party in getting John Roberts confirmed as SCOTUS Chief, a job somebody like me oughtta have.

***K: Oh…so you think your talents are wasted in the Senate…is that it, Joe? Don’t get me wrong…you represent Iowa just perfectly…

***B: IOWA! Ted, you been in your cups tonight again? Iowa! I’m easily the best senator Delaware has ever had and that includes the delegates who signed the Declaration and the Constitution and…

***L: Okay, okay, Joe! Ted’s just kidding. We all know Tom Harkin’s the dude from Iowa…and you’d better not let Carper hear you about that best senator stuff. He’s got lots of military time behind him, including Vietnam, so…

***B: Sorry, gang…okay I used the “g” word…so I’m okay. I’m just kinda pumped up…getting in campaign mode for the 2008 winner-takes-all fight, and this time I’ll…

***S: Doncha think you announced a little early there, Joe? I mean…announcing in 2005 for the presidency in 2009…you gotta…

***D: It’s the money angle, Chuckie boy. Joe’s gotta have plenty o’ cash this time around. He learned that in 1988.

***K: He didn’t learn but one thing in 1988, Dick…he learned not to swipe speeches from Irishmen, no matter how Americanized they sound…I’m still laughing…old Joe even fell into an Irish brogue during one of…he musta listened to that Irishman speak in person…(wild laughter amid a few hiccups)…the Irish live in Boston…they never heard o’ Delaware…Joe shoulda cadged a speech from somebody from…(more hiccups)…where do people in Delaware come from, anyways…

***L: Let’s get on the subject, guys, it’s late and I’ve gotta meet something like 10 lobbyists tomorrow, and one of ’em’s got a great trip planned for Hawaii…to check out the agriculture there, o’ course. We all know why we’re here…it’s the Alito thing, and the hearings begin next week…at least as of now. I’ve been working on Arlen to get him to find an excuse for at least a six-month delay, since he and I see eye to eye on the Roe –Wade thing, but he’s a little wary of the White house right now…something about his statements on the NSA leak to the New York Times. Thank goodness I’m not on the Intelligence Committee this time.

***K: Yeah (laughter and hiccups)…you ain’t known as Senator Leaky Leahy for nothing there, Patrick. You had Ollie North in your crosshairs back in…when was it…(hiccups)…1988 maybe…had to resign from the committee (loud laughter and a pop as of a bottle being uncorked)…and there was the Achi…Accol…

***D: It was the Achille Lauro, Ted, and Pat said he didn’t leak anything about that and that he wouldn’t do it again, and you know that and…Sheesh, that poor old guy thrown overboard…say you didn’t do it, Pat, at least on purpose.

***B: Hey…maybe you’re on to something, Teddy boy. Why don’t we get someone to leak some stuff on Alito? If he pulls a John Roberts on us and shows up in the hearing with nothing but a glass of water on the table and talks about all those precedents without…whew…I had my staff working 24/7 on documents for my questioning and…

***K: And he made you look like (hiccups and gurgling)…made us all look like…geez…where was I…oh yeah, Joe, you almost asked an answer instead of a question and…where was…I…(giggling)…are we talkin’ about the NSA or the…

***S: I’m outta here if we don’t get on the subject and stay on it. Alito’s clean and not even Dan Rather could dig up any dirt on him.

***K: Whee…not even if he found a New Jersey Air National Guard typewri…Aliotoio…that’s Italian like Clarence Thomas…(hiccups, loud wheezing)…yeah we don’t need another Italian like ol’ Thomas on…

***D: Thomas is not Italian, Ted. Scalia is Italian. Thomas is a sort of clone…maybe Mississippi-Romano or something. And you better watch what you say…a lot of Italians and blacks vote in Chicago, some of them three or four times, even if they’re dead…and I need those votes and…

***L: Look, I’m the ranking democrat on the committee and I’m telling you we need to figure a way to stop Alito. Old Arlen is almost in my pocket, but not quite. Besides, Frist is all set to quash a filibuster, even if we set one up, and we don’t need that kinda bloodshed in the most distinguished government agency in the whole world. Why don’t we home in on Alito as approving wiretaps of anybody and everybody…

***K: Wiretapping…wiretapping (more giggling)…let’s get a wiretapping on Aliotoio…you know, get the FBI to set him up and fake him talking about wiretappinginging…(loud hiccups)…the president… and…

***S: Sheesh! If you don’t hang up and go to bed, Ted, I’m outta here. For all I know, all these phones might be tapped…damn! How would that play on O’Reilly? A recording of this conversation would…DAMN! I AM outta here, and for anyone who might be wiretapping, I’ve never even been here and I won’t be here again…and…the voice you’ve just heard is someone imitating me…Senator Hatch of the great state of…

***K: New York, New York, New York (wild singing of the popular song, with an assortment of burps, belches, hiccups and scraping sounds).

***S: It’s Utah, you idiot, where they have sense enough not to get on a phone while drunk. And I’m gone…..

(click, click, click, click…hiccup)