Rahm & the Gang

It's mid-afternoon in a room over the Anything Goes Bar on a busy street in South Chicago. In attendance are university professors William Ayers and his wife Bernardine Dohrn, White House chief-of-staff Rahm Emanuel, Father Michael Phleger, and the Rev. Dr. Jeremiah Wright, hereinafter referenced as A, D, E, P, and W, respectively, if not respectfully.

~E: We all know why we’re here so…
~W: Actually I’m not sure, Rahm, unless you’ve got something else I can use to damn America. Our friend Barry listened to me damn America for 20 years…so…I suspect he’s all for getting it done. Reckon he might suggest Fallujah as the current Hiroshima?
~E: Of course not, Rev! He just sent about 30,000 of our guys over to Afghanistan to break things and kill people. You outta your *&^%$*^ gourd?
~D: Maybe he has an assassination in mind (giggles)…somebody like that mean John Boehner…maybe a poison-tipped umbrella to the thigh…oh…hahahahaha…
~A: Shut up, Berhardine! Cut her some slack, guys, she dreamed of her hero Charles Manson again last night and stabbed the dog with a fork this morning…you know…that PTSD thing…had to call off her classes at the university today…couldn’t take a chance on another road-rage fiasco.
~P: I’m not sure why I’m here, either, Rahm. I’m just another man of the cloth…
~D: Oh…I hope you’re not one of those pedophile-priests, Father…I mean…but no matter, just think what a quick whack to the head with a baseball bat would do in the confessional…oh…hahahahaha…imagine an actual Father Hyde to go with Jeremiah’s Dr. Jekyll…(giggles)…not as good as a stick of dynamite at the Pentagon but better than…
~A: Stuff it, Bernardine, or just go home.
~E: Yeah…we’re wasting time here and I’ve gotta catch that Air Force plane in another hour or so…so listen up, people. I’m assuming your organization to elect Obama is still in place…what’s that name again?
~W: Oh…you mean the Universalism to Negate Demeaning of Erudite Realists, Theologians and Honest Educators Basic to the United States.
~P: Yeah…you know, Rahm. Around the South Side it’s called by its acronym Under The Bus!
~W: Watch it, Father. That’s a tender spot here. You and Bill and Bernardine and I all know all about that acronym.
~E: Hey! Not to feel bad, guys! You know Barry had to go through the motions, especially after his speech in Philadelphia about a year ago…you know, that tribute to Jeremiah here.
~W: Tribute my Ph.D! He wound up having the whole ^&*%$#* country damning me…and then…
~D: Oh…hoo hah…under the bus with old Jeremiah, with maybe a back-wheel to the neck…all those veins popping out…better than a laser bomb to the…
~A: That was what…50 years ago, Bernardine? Cool it…the hippy-dippy years are gone…you know… shooting at the fuzz and…blowin’ in the wind (starts singing)…
~E: *&^%$*&…stop it, Bill. You’re ’way off-key anyway. Are you two stuck in the 60s forever?
~A: Sorry, Rahm…just get carried away at times…ah, the Weather Underground…that’s where the action was…remember Chicago ’68…all that LSD, Timothy O’Leary…Grant Park…
~E: Can it, Bill. Now look…the reason for this meeting is to help make plans for selling the health-care and the cap-and-trade bills to the public. We’ve bombed out on the Stimulus-sell, so we can’t afford to lose in conning…er…make that enlightening the public about how health-care will save their lives and the country…
~D: Oh…those death panels…yeah…give the old geezers a shot of hemlock with their Meta Mucil or Ex Lax or drive Bradley Vehicles through the nursing home lobbies and lob grenades…that’ll save money and it’ll be perfectly legal. (giggles hysterically)
~A: That does it Bernardine. Get the *&^%$&^% outta here and don’t run over anybody on the way home. (Dohrn leaves) By the way, Rahm, how does the prez figure to put 40 million new patients on the public dime while at the same time cutting taxes…a horrible sell?
~E: Simple, Bill. (lowers voice) Remember…he’s cutting Medicare big-time…old codgers been gettin’ off too easy for too long. Bernardine has a point.
~P: But that’s inhumane, Rahm, almost as bad as picking Hillary over Barry…and it almost happened.
~E: Speaking of which, Father, I never did get around to complimenting you on the Hillary Shuffle you did in Jeremiah’s church that night…went all over the world. Barry got letters from all over Cook County wanting to know if you could do High Mass in Grant Park.
~W: Whoa there, Rahm. Ya gotta remember it was me that inspired that book Audacity of Hope that got Barack on his way.
~A: And I started him off on that career in the legislature, Rahm…got him hooked up with some far-out lefties – if you get my drift – in the university crowds…the nitwits…they’ll fall for anything. A lot of ’em wanna know how to make Molotov Cocktails…hoo hah…they’d blow themselves clean over the stockyards. They get the students energized and ready to join ACORN and get in on the best way to register a dead person or start a house of ill…
~W: And I got Farrakhan to threaten…er…encourage all his bodyguards and their families how to vote and encourage…
~E: Get real, you guys. We got a problem selling this bill, especially since now that it’s passed all the stuff in it will be coming out. Pelosi said we’d know what’s in the bill when it’s passed.
~W: You know what’s in the bill, doncha, Rahm? There’s gotta be something that’ll damn this country…or at least the sick folks.
~E: Uh…er…well…y’see…uh…that is…whew…what was that question, Jeremiah…I mean…
~P: You sound like that Robert Glibs, Rahm…you know…press spokesman Glibs…
~E: That’s Gibbs, Father, not Glibs, though that name suits him better, I’ll admit.
~W: Well, I gotta go, Rahm, gotta meeting with Calypso Louie and the reparations crowd. Now that Barry’s runnin’ things we got a shot at sticking it to Whitey…the old Uncle Tom approach…my advice is to lie low till the heat’s off in that Tea Party bunch of hoodlums…or maybe just lie, period, especially if that bill’s gonna wreck…
~E: Lemme try this on you before you go, Jeremiah. I got a note from Dan Rather…said he could come up with a memo off an old typewriter at the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta that proves Reagan and Bush’s old man put the HIV on black folk – like you said – back in the 1980s. D’ya think anybody outside ACORN will go for that?
~A: That’ll sell at the universities all over the country…at least with the humanities faculties. That’s better than blowin’ up Cheney’s oil wells.
~P: Wow! That’s good enough for an all-out bump-and-grind in Grant Park, with the altar boys doing backup…
~W: Like I said, Rahm, just the big LIE! Scream it loud and long enough and it’ll work every time. (Everyone gets up to leave)
~A: (answering phone) Stay right there, Bernardine. (hangs up) That crazy woman ran up some church’s front steps and mowed down two Presbyterians on the way home. I’m heading for Canada for a few days.