Dear Barack Hussein,
Just a rather belated congratulations upon your election to a second term in 2012, though 2013 seems to have been a tough year for you. You would not have had to face it if you had told the truth in 2012 and admitted that happy owners of their insurance could not keep it under Obamacare, but though I would hate to believe it you might not have known what was in what the mean talk-show people call the Un-Affordable Care Act. Speaker Pelosi said no one would know until it was passed. You have acted bravely, however, by changing the law nearly 30 times without having to bother the Congress. That's the way I do things, too.
This brings me to another point, namely, your high dudgeon regarding Crimea. I've taken over there because the Crimean Russians (my people) have been mistreated by the Ukrainian government, as well as by its citizens, and need protection. You'll notice that there's been no bloodshed thus far and, though I hate to rub it in, as you say in America, you can't say the same about your attack on Libya in 2011. Actually, there were no Americans under any threat in Libya so you didn't even have that as a pretext.
I have been puzzled by that action since Libya is nowhere near your country, but spending seven months killing Libyans means you must have had a good reason, whatever it was. If you remember, perhaps you will pick up your red phone and give me a call. When your president Reagan invaded Grenada back in the day, he at least had as a reason all those American students in medical school there when my kind of people the communists tried to take over the island. And don't forget Kosovo. Your president Clinton bombed Serbia (U.S. friend in WWII) so Kosovo could become independent, like Crimea wants to be. Does the term hypocrisy yank your chain just a little?
You will forgive me for bringing it up but in your whining about Crimea (not to mention that awful Kerry's pomposity) you turned your back on a friend (me) and also reneged on your promise to Medvedev that you would be more flexible after being elected in 2012. Everyone in the world heard that promise. I went along with your fervor to overcome Qaddafi in 2011 and abstained from voting in the security Council so you could get your resolution passed to attack his 76,000 troops with your 1.5 million troops plus NATO (I'm still laughing seven months it took), but you have not returned that favor concerning Crimea. Maybe you just forgot (Kerry forgets sometimes especially what he forgets) but that indicated an inflexibility up with which I will not put (a Churchillian phrase in case you might have missed that in eighth-grade).
So, why not be a good sport (besides returning my favor) and get off that stuff about sanctions? You've put the Europeans in a bad spot since they get much (most for some of them) of their gas from Russia THROUGH Ukraine. How would you like it if the Saudis cut off your oil? Gas prices are out the top now but, as you say there, you ain't seen nuthin yet if you actually contrive some sort of sanctions, not that they will hurt Russians, who are accustomed to living in tough circumstances already. That's socialism, the very thing you're advancing there.
Besides, Russia has two borders with China that amount to nearly 3,000 miles and I'm already talking to the Chinese about oil shipments since China is second only to the U.S. in oil imports and will probably become first sometime this year. They need to switch to gas just to get the smog from coal-fired generator-plants out of their cities so people can see well enough to drive. We're soul-brothers (atheistic, of course) anyway since China also abstained from that UN vote so you could waste Libya.
Not to put too fine a point on it, I'm nevertheless suggesting that you not set any RED lines (appropriate color) in the Crimea matter since I have it on good authority that China will join me in vetoing any UN military action. Assad is still laughing about those red lines in Syria...and that's something else you've never thanked me for saving your bacon in that mess. NATO (your gang) has already opted out since all nations but the U.S. used up all their ammo on Libya and are too broke to manufacture more.
So, as you remain on the campaign trail for whatever is your whim of the day, keep your teleprompters trimmed, and in the interest of flexibility don't forget to order somebody to let me in on the secret for the destruction of Libya.
And so it goes.