Presidential Makeover

Dear President Obama:

I have lately admired your ineffable ability to become publicly angry—even furious at times—upon discovering governmental snafus committed by the bureaucrats who run your operation. Just the fact alone that you're forced to learn of their malfeasance through the media instead of your own officials—like any Joe Blow watching Fox News—must be depressing. You have my sympathy. There are bunglers in the operation I head, the Institute for Modifying All Governmental Entities, known familiarly as IMAGE.

The mainstream media has been very good to you, even supportive, especially in your campaigns, but lately—though not nearly as vitriolically as Fox—has begun to show displeasure. It's rumored, for instance, that MSNBC's Chris Matthews has stated that his leg no longer tingles when you orate, a sure indication that even the most avid sycophants are capable of disloyalty. Former CBS super-sleuth Dan Rather has stated openly that he would not investigate Texas Air National Guard typewriters in your behalf.

IMAGE can help in effecting some modification—if needed, of course—regarding your public persona, thus recapturing media support and off-putting evil republicans. The IMAGE-agency designed for handling this issue is referenced Political Hegemony Obviating Nasty Yammering, known by its acronym, PHONY, coincidentally reflecting your astute description of the scandals remarked by evil republicans.

The arm of IMAGE for handling this matter is the Institute for Rationalizing Subterfuge, or IRS, for short. You made it clear in that famous interview with that Fox smart-alec anchor that no tea party outfit had ever been targeted for the ash-heap but you smirked when you said that. An IRS operative would have taught you never to smirk when lying but to keep a straight face at all times, even when you nudge the ball with your toe on the golf course. IRS will also teach you how and when to smile, show impatience, even throw a temper tantrum when necessary, such as when Jay Carney bungles a lie...or even the occasional, accidental truth.

The republicans have been on your case lately to an amazing extent, especially with the propaganda about scandals. The IMAGE-agency that will help you neutralize them is the Bureau for Enervating Noisy GOP Honchos and Zealous Ideologues, known, of course, as BENGHAZI. BENGHAZI would have warned you against ever attacking Libya and killing all those women and children over seven months. Now, some tribal chief has just shot up the Libyan Parliament and taken over what's left of the country. Point: You would have never been viciously attacked by the weak, evil republicans if you hadn't made that mistake. BENGHAZI will keep you out of further trouble inviting criticism, such as those silly red lines in Syria and Ukraine that made you look foolish.

Constantly showing your angst in public has made you seem like a spoiled child always on the verge of banging his fists and feet on the floor and blaming somebody else (usually George Bush—little joke there, nothing personal) for goofing up. The IMAGE arm that will help with this problem is the Agency for Reducing Gnashing of Teeth, known familiarly as ARGOT. You already have a sort of self-calming use of terms used constantly while you cool down and think such as “Let's be clear,” and “Commander-in-Chief.”

GNASH will help you devise other such terms and also offers anger-management training. The use of the above mentioned terms has become trite and with respect to the latter a bit arrogant, especially since your military experience is zilch. Gnash will help you guard against racist innuendo and discrimination, such as you applied to claiming that a son, if you had one, would be like Trayvon, while not claiming the same regarding Michael Sam, whom you warmly congratulated not for sacking quarterbacks but for being a self-outed homosexual (that boyfriend KISS—oo-la-la).

Finally, you've appeared lately to non-humorously claim the pen-and-phone approach, which makes folks think you would be king. Even though you intend to govern by grim fiat, you need to chill a bit. The IMAGE-agency that will help with this is the Bureau for Laughs and Hugs, known as BLAH, for short. BLAH will help you appear more democratic, even learn how to be friendly with folks like John McCain and Rush Limbaugh. In any case, please consider PHONY and its adjuncts, IRS, BENGHAZI, ARGOT, and BLAH.

Best wishes and hope to hear from you soon.

I.M. Reverself, CEO
IMAGE And so it goes. Jim Clark