The President & the Preachers

Dear President Obama,

As the CEO of the well-known Washington consulting firm known as the Institute for Modifying All Governmental Entities (IMAGE, for short), I’m writing in connection with your recent conference call to preachers, ministers, imams, cult leaders, whatever, concerning your admonition to them to start preaching, purveying, promulgating, popularizing – in short –propagandizing the value of the recently legislated health-care package. According to law, religionists may not do this in the churches and retain tax-exempt status, but I assume that the czar you’ve appointed to regulate morality, spirituality, eating of pork, and the allowed amount of flour in unleavened bread, as well as the proper use of religious icons/idols/institutions, has cleared this with his legal spin-doctors.

Now that you’ve entered the religious realm of governance (I don’t believe the wags who say you jog on the Potomac, but don’t take that personally), you will need help in both style and substance in managing a religious undertaking. One false step, and your undertaking will devolve into a political undertakering – little joke there, but FOX NEWS is always out for some red meat and, as you know, currently has several contracts out on people like Senator Reid and your most avid supporter, George Soros, who helped the clergymen set up a PAC in 2003 to crucify George Bush concerning a second term. Bush, of course, resurrected.

The evil POLITICO listened in on the call (you need better hacker controls) and reported that you made the point that health-care is settled law and that your parishioners had better know this. That sounded like a threat, especially since you also told the preachers to “Get out there and spread the word.” That was so-o-o-o communistic and hate-mongering. This being the case, IMAGE can help you ease up by using materials from its Section for Energizing Righteous Manipulative Oratorical Nuances, known by its acronym SERMON.

The moonlighting head of this agency is the Right Reverend Honorable Exalted Imam Dr. Louis Farrakhan, sometimes known unfortunately and irreverently as Calypso Louie, who – I insist reverently – did NOT have Malcom X assassinated. Farrakhan is a master at manipulation of oily oratory, able without any backlash at all to pronounce that the U.S. government sabotaged the levees in New Orleans to kill all the black folk there in the wake of Katrina. He even pulled off another “Million” something or other in Washinton soon after Katrina and enthroned himself and his daughter as co-messiahs or co-12th Mahdis, depending on Christian, Shiite or Sunni apocalypse-approaches, without any protest-marches or terrorist attacks in the bargain. He’s a master at nativist nuancing and can talk the citizens into and out of anything.

Involving the religious gurus means more than just righteous rhetoric, so IMAGE will help you with substance through its agency called the Section for Promulgating Insured Righteousness Involving Theology Usage and Liturgies, or SPIRITUAL, for short. The term “health-care” has been replaced by “affordable care,” because when the bill was passed three million people showed up at ERs for everything from hang-nails to appendectomies, whether needed or not…just a freebie, warm place to hang out. This means that a theological base is needed to establish that there’s no free lunch, even in the hospital, thus necessitating the need for would-be sickos to obey that scripture insisting that those who won’t work don’t eat. I’m sure you see the connection, especially with the need for a good hellfire/brimstone warning regarding righteous retribution in the form of fines for those who won’t buy insurance. SPIRIT is without a leader now but hopefully Bill Moyers will take the job, being a seminary graduate and member of the one denomination that has officially sanctioned same-sex marriage, an absolute forward-looking background for the “NOW” generation.

Finally, so you will see a greater importance of your religious approach to health-care (consider also religion vis-à-vis cap/trade, “don’t ask don’t tell,” and immigration-amnesty), IMAGE’s agency to help is known as the Bureau for Utilizing Legalistic Liturgies Yoking Pulpiteering Unctions with Legislating Patient-Insured Trauma, known by its acronym Bully Pulpit. You’ve already begun this process. In fact, you sort of began in August 2009 when you had a conference call with 1,000 rabbis and said, “We are God's partners in matters of life and death,” an astounding insight into your role as not only commander-in-chief of the military but as commander-in-chief of sickness, health, and death of private citizens. You have become the voice of everything and in this regard you should always have at hand a BULLY PULPIT teleprompter to help guard against everything from Freudian slips (remember the navy corpse-man) to outright mangling of scripture verses. I’m sure you remember mentioning the 57 states during the campaign when you were tired.

IMAGE has extricated the Rev. Dr. Jeremiah Wright from under the bus to head BULLY PULPIT account his preaching skills, which you well remember from your 20 years listening to him powerfully propound America’s guilt-trip that eventuated in inspiring you to travel the world in 2009 and apologize everywhere for this evil country. Rev. Dr. Wright is already preparing for you a teleprompter sermon guaranteed to convince everyone of sound mind of his insistence that Ronald Reagan had a top scientist invent AIDS for use in eradicating black folk. You can see how this ties in with health-care. In the margins of the teleprompter will be notes by Bill Clinton indicating when you are to shout, whisper, weep, laugh or tell a joke – in other words, feel everyone’s pain. The title of the sermon is, “Yes, We Can.”

I hope to hear from you soon in the affirmative and am already preparing the proper materials to make you the most outstanding Oval Office preacher of all time.

I.M. Reverself, CEO