Dear President Obama:
First, a word of commendation for your clarifying your remark the other day about “Polish Concentration Camps.” It was a gem of wisdom to imply that the teleprompter was prepared that day by Vice President Biden or one of his aides, not that any sane person would have thought a person of your superior intellect made the remark, in the first place.
In light of your recent pronouncement that homosexuals should marry each other if so inclined, I’m offering the services, as CEO, of the Institute for Modifying All Governmental Entities (IMAGE, for short). Since there has been much backlash over this new position (predictably brought on by Biden the Blabbermouth, who didn’t see the November picture), IMAGE can guide you as you approach the election in the bravest manner possible, explaining that your thinking has “evolved,” something most people won’t do…either thinking or evolving, except, of course, as from ape to politician – little joke there.
The designer arm of IMAGE that will be operative for you is called Exigent Variances Offsetting Lurid Victimization of Erotic Reverse-Sexers (EVOLVERS, for short). It’s the business of EVOLVERS to make sure you do not appear as acting stupidly, as you rightly said police sometimes do in Cambridge. The argument will center on the sexual aspect of “diversity,” of course, the current guru/god of everything from academia to penitentiaries, where inmates are said to understand sexual diversity perfectly, i.e., that every form of human behavior, even if it is animalistic in nature, must be granted validity. This is called fairness, as you know. You exhibited this most nobly and fairly in your apology tour in 2009, inviting everyone in the world to ridicule and despise this nation for being so bad.
There are many people, especially in the South and especially among those squirrelly Baptists, who consider homosexual behavior unseemly, even sinful, though it is no longer illegal, even in Texas. Anachronistically, they insist that body orifices and appendages are meant by God for things like talking, singing, eating and exhausting detritus…and nothing else. The department of IMAGE that will help you is the Bureau Legitimizing Alternative Same-sex Parenting and Handling Errant Misbehaving Exes (known, of course as BLASPHEME).
Since homosexual promiscuity is consensually deemed by the anthropologists to be of inordinate proportions (also true for common-law marriages), the in-and-out appearances of same-sex parents can be traumatic for children and even sometimes dangerous for the parents, especially in the “legal-carry” states. Cuckolded straight hubbies could once just slap the old lady around but a cuckolded “partner” might beat the other “partner” to death or just shoot him. BLASPHEME prepares materials that validate the use of the body in any old way, never mind God’s design, and materials for explaining the whole hard-to-understand situation to the children.
Since technical help is needed in this unnatural and heretofore implausible setup, IMAGE provides the program, Management Accruing to Reverse Roles Inculcating Arrangements for Gender Establishment, or MARRIAGE, by its acronym. Most kids think in terms of mom-and-dad, not dad-and-dad or mom-and-mom. Partner-and-partner doesn’t sound very family-friendly, so what’s a kid to do, especially when asked on school questionnaires who his father and mother are? Partner-1 and partner-2 don’t sound right since nobody wants to be number two, with the kids perhaps obeying Partner-1 and dissing number-two. You and A-G Holder need to know the answers. IMAGE can help with this and other matters such as in how to decide which partner will be cloned, for the obvious reason, unless those pesky children aren’t in the picture.
On the basis of the heterosexual divorce rate of about 50%, the homosexual divorce rate will probably run to 85% or so – that promiscuity thing. IMAGE’s arm in this area is the Department for Instituting Various Options Regarding Concupiscent Errors, or DIVORCE, for short. The options, of course, have to do with property, custody of children, alimony, child-support, just as in the case of straights. Since partners may not know who-is-who (no mom or dad stuff), sharp lawyers may easily confuse them, not to mention that the agreements may not hold in any other state. You and A-G Holder need to assign proper appellations to the partners, something like accommodating the partner concept to the natural order of things.
MARRIAGE and DIVORCE can help with these latter problems and has prepared materials designed for marriages, courtroom and family-court appearances, protective orders in the case of an overzealous partner that cover everything from Saturday-night-specials to Sherman tanks, and suggesting who moves out and who stays. Since everything is eventually litigated in this country, Barney Frank and Bill Clinton, both lawyers, have agreed to head up these departments, the former account his orientation and the latter for the brilliant discovery of what IS is, vital to legal matters.
Your evolving in three short years from mom-dad – only – to dad-dad and mom-mom indicates your brilliance but also has its problems. I hope to hear from you soon since your image will be tarnished if you mishandle your evolution.
B. Appropriate Self, CEO