From the office of the chairMAN 30 June 2017
***Please note the emphasis on the above, made to comport with the style of my predecessor, therefore equalizing the genders while I am chair, which, by definition, she had tilted the level playing field, something the former Great Leader mandated must never happen. Even though she and now I have made the male/female distinction equal, remember that the chair can be transgender or even no gender (maybe a Q—little joke there) or bisexual. This will assure the LGBTQ community that the Democrat Party is politically correct and that, unlike the uncivilized republicans, they are not only welcome in the big tent but may aspire to leadership. DO NOT MENTION, however, that the head honchos in the Army, Navy and Air Force are against recruitment of transgenders and have asked that none be recruited. The reason(s) is obvious.
***Motion Picture Mogul Michael Moore, a new DNC consultant, is planning a new movie based on how the Trump people colluded with the Russians to fix the last election in Trump's favor with a sub-plot concerning an affair of two Green Party staffers, unhappily-married man/man-marriage adulterers suffering the disastrous effects of PTESD (Post-Traumatic-Election-Stress-Disorder) that eventuated in a death-suicide attempt (gun unloaded, however), but I will not give away the surprise ending here. Please do NOT be offended by the directive on the cork-board now located by the condom- & salt-sugar-lactose-peanut-caffeine-chocolate-free candy/drink-machine that all weeping in this building still precipitated by the election-disaster is to stop. It's time to move on and face this hard life, especially after slithering merrily along during the previous administration. WE WON is now in the other column.
***Everyone should be encouraged by the hassles/hearings concerning the FBI, CIA, NSA, congressional committees, special counsel, and by Senator McCain (sometimes by Senator Graham, too). All are aimed squarely at bringing down the president, thus sparing the nation of what could be a bloody COUP attempt, especially since Majority Leader Schumer as the natural coup-commander has had no military experience (little joke there in case a staffer thinks I'm serious). The recent repub-wins in Georgia and South Carolina House districts must be played down as actual losses when compared to Trump's numbers in those districts last year. Don't ever mention that the winning Georgia-repub is a woman, but if asked, just explain that Trump would not have supported her if he'd known.
***The fight among the republicans over the healthcare issue furnishes a perfect tool for explaining the meanness of the GOP toward everyone not in the wealthy class. NOTE: Do not mention that 20 million citizens still have no healthcare under the ACA (Obamacare, for recent Harvard grads on staff), just hammer on the fact that 28 million will enjoy that circumstance some years down the road. Also, interview Senator Collins at every opportunity – if you have plenty of time – to get the “meanness” issue into the proper focus since she is death and destruction on preexisting conditions, including but not limited to the common hangnail.
***NEVER MENTION FAKE NEWS OR CNN! The reasons are obvious. Also, never mention MSNBC since the consensus is that mostly wing-nuts operate there. Example: Rachel Maddow. Never mention her orchestrated performance concerning her “scoop” on Trump's 2005 tax returns, and especially don't mention that they showed he coughed up $28 million in taxes. By the way, the wag who wondered aloud at the water fountain as to whether Chris Matthews' leg still vibrates when he hears Obama speak will soon be assigned to the Durbin Rehabilitation facility to receive sensitivity-training. Durbin himself will give a seminar on How American GIs in Iraq replicated Stalin's Gulag, Pol Pot's killing fields, and Mao's great leap forward butchery, as well as Hitler's concentration/death/camp massacres.
***This is not TONGUE-IN-CHEEK! The DNC has an official APB out regarding Barack Obama, latest civilized president, but who cannot be found, not even on golf courses lately. He's the leader of the party but may not know it so he must be found and encouraged to play his new role—leading in front. Likely places are Hollywood and Wall Street or anywhere else, especially resorts like Trump's golf courses, where people with money can be found and just mildly encouraged to book him for speeches to various groups but at no less than $300,000 a pop, though teleprompters and transportation must be provided at client's expense. The first staffer to contribute news of his whereabouts will be given a day off but without pay. The DNC is not a welfare agency.
And so it goes.