From the office of the chairperson, 15 May 2017
***Listen up! There are no apologies offered for the absence of memos since my taking over the DNC, which I consider a great honor and applaud the efforts of former chairWOMAN Wasserman-Schultz. This has been a terribly busy time for the chairperson account having to further deal with the IRS scandals when I was an assistant attorney general, the Benghazi slaughter, Fast-and-Furious, Syria, ISIS, Ferguson, torture, Gruber, open borders, executive orders revising Obamacare/Immigration laws and the election in November, which at best was a Pyrrhic Victory for the republicans since they now have to fix the mess caused mostly by Pelosi and Reid (little joke[rs] there). Pursuant to the “Gruber Hearing” of the tenth, a new DNC agency labeled the Section for Consulting Healthcare Underwriters Managing Erratic Results (or SCHUMER for short) is being organized and its mission/contents pinned soon to the Bush Dart-Board, now located by the condom- & salt-sugar-lactose-peanut-caffeine-chocolate-free candy-machine, speaking of which everyone is urged to try the new yogurt-spinach-bar that features ingestion, injection or snorting, with a mortar and pestle and/or saline solution provided for the latter two. BTW, the rumor that Wasserman-Schultz, Brazile and Clinton fixed that CNN debate is untrue and all three have promised never to do that again, presumably in 2020, 2024 and 2028 if Hillary says so.
***Staffers are directed to NOT—repeat—NOT mention the former State Secretary unless it is unavoidable such as in the currently hostile press conferences. If the subject arises, the official line is that Kerry is suffering from PTSDDD (post traumatic stress defense department disorder, for recent Yale graduates on staff). Also, no interviews are to be scheduled with anyone connected to FOX News regarding any subject, especially with the lady-anchors, whose bare shoulders and thighs and outrageous cleavage-displays are designed for the huge republican-voting men's audience, which has the same degree of reverse hostility toward Obama as the New Black Panthers have for Georgia-crackers and Obama/Holder have for policemen.
***The Gruber brouhaha has attracted unattractive worldwide attention (called L'Affaire Gruber-Mal in France, for instance). MIT prof Gruber appeared recently before a congressional committee attempting to explain why he earned $400,000 writing Obamacare so nobody could understand it. This has made it necessary to properly vet all individuals who are in any way connected to government or the DNC. The former president, as well as Al Sharpton, his then and maybe current aide-de-camp, did not trust the FBI, CIA, DEA, EPA, FEMA, the DCI or even OSHA to do the job so another DNC executive order is being structured currently for requiring that every operative submit to the Mandatory Intelligence Testing agency (MIT, for short) before taking a job, with the exception of anyone responsible for the former president's teleprompters for obvious reasons. In this regard, the wag who clandestinely left in the lounge that poster of the former president saying that POLICE ACT STUPIDLY will be sent to the Durbin Re-indoctrination Center & Gulag when apprehended, regarding which Durbin will offer an end-of-spring seminar on the similarity of American GIs to keepers of Stalin's gulags, Pol Pot's killing fields, and Hitler's Storm Troopers, a reprise of his statements during the Iraq War, which he visited occasionally or at least stopped by at the safest airport and once, with 10 body-guards and a wine-taster, even stepped from the plane for a minute.
***The recently-retired chairWOMAN has been rumored to have said in a speech to the Girl Scouts of Florida that women are justifiably and gradually taking over the government. This rumor is unfounded and the former chairWOMAN has promised not to say that again. However, she still resents the complaints accruing to the Helen Reddy version of I Am Woman not being played over the sound-system throughout the building on the hour. Women are now acting as observers of SEAL-training in preparation for their joining the SEALS in the near future. The president requested a year ago a DNC red/yellow/black/white paper to explain why this is both necessary and useful. Only one paper has been submitted and this is unacceptable, so be forewarned...heads will roll if someone doesn't think of at least one valid reason other than “looks cute in uniform.”
***The evil Fox News perpetrators of perverse propaganda cited the former president's 20-minute speech on the night of the Ferguson Grand Jury decision as a declaration of war against the police and his next-day travel to Chicago (aka the Illinois killing-fields) as his first campaign stop at the time to promote it (the war), especially as an answer to white racism in general and police racism in particular. The DNC was tasked to spin this Fox egregiousness into the former POTUS's love for the uniforms, but not to mention—NOT MENTION—his race in connection to the last two presidential elections. This is called “grubering,” perfectly acceptable in civil discourse since everyone knows the voters, or at least republican voters, are stupid and haven't noticed. As far as Hillary is concerned, say nothing lest AG Sessions consider a Grand Jury for her.
***As mentioned earlier, the DNC is still considering instituting a Department of Gender and has requested another yellow/black/white/red paper on how to do this while still awaiting word from the LBGTQ group as to how many genders there are. National Geographic recently suggested 14, give or take a couple too puzzling to figure. This hasn’t been settled yet mainly because the American Conference of Transitioning and Ultimate Personhood (known for short as ACT-UP) still threatens to sue something or somebody if not included in the gender-count, but certainly not in the Q group. Also, a complaint from something called the Platonic Education Department Of Pleasing Habituations in Loving Eroticism (PEDOPHILE, for short) has been lodged with AG Sessions, claiming gender-status discrimination and threatening action from some Catholic priests account violation of First Amendment rights/nights. The DNC is preparing a summary of Plato's Symposium for all staffers in readiness for any sign that the former POTUS and now head of the party has evolved on this matter as he did regarding same-sex marriage. BTW, anyone sighting the former POTUS is to inform the chairman of his whereabouts. CongressWOMAN Pelosi is threatening to become party-spokesperson if assured her face won't break.
***Be thinking seriously about 2018. Hillary at last report is receiving treatment for CLD (Compulsive Lying Disorder) and should be campaign-tuned for next year's early start. Elizabeth Warren's half-breed (with a little pilgrim thrown in) image is a great crowd-pleaser and she has promised to know the state capitals by April. The thought that another male of any color might be elected is simply too much.
***Have a great summer but remember that any mention of July 4—if found out—means a pink slip. The current administration’s emphasis on patriotism is discriminatory, racist, gender-insulting and offends Bernie Sanders, with whom the chairperson is now campaigning in the interest of inclusiveness. The chairperson will also travel with a democrat if one is willing to run.
And so it goes.