Obl-AaZ Strategy Session


It is late at night in a cave somewhere just east of the Afghanistan-Pakistan border, and Osama bin Laden is having a strategy conference with his second-in-command, Ayman al-Zawahiri.

O: You know, Ayman, I still think we could safely hide in Kabul…after all, there are a million-and-a-half people there and surely…well, look at this…my prayer rug stays wet constantly and actually I can't face east in the daytime to pray in this forsaken hole in the ground because I can't see the sun and this damned Russian compass points only to Lenin's grave and not true north or anywhere else…it's almost as if…

A: You're right, as usual, Osama old friend, and then there's the problem of keeping caviar refrigerated until it gets here, not to mention what those Taliban poppy-sniffers don't steal…they're high as a hanging burka most of…anyway, you don't spend much time on that rug.

O: I'm not complaining, of course…it's just that…well, we had it so good there, found idiot-suicide bombers, with no sweat…just promise the fools those 72 virgins in Paradise not wearing burkas - in fact, not wearing anything - and now this cowboy Bush has…you should never have told me he wouldn't come after us if we flew those planes into those buildings…it's all your…and I do spend time on my prayer rug, at least twice a year, just like the folks in the United States…they make it on Christmas and Easter, but it's Wal-Mart on all their other holy days. Speaking of Wal-Mart, I wonder if we could get some AK-47s cheap there. I've heard they don't promote women, so they're our kind of…

A: With all due Respect, Chief, nobody did anything to us when we bombed those American embassies in Africa and those soldier barracks that old Prince Saud said we could blast any old time we wanted to in his little playground over on the Gulf, or that navy ship in Yemen. Nobody did anything serious even when we bombed the World Trade Center basement in ninety-three, right on American soil…so…what would any sane Wahabi think? They just threw old blind Rahman and those imbeciles in jail…imagine actually signing a real name for that truck…the fool. If any of them had been caught under our rules, the CIA would have sawed off their heads and hung them on the Washington Monument…in prime time, at that. Look how Zarqawi does it in Iraq…puts those little blood-baths right on the tube or the Internet. (Laughter) Did you hear that crunching sound?

O: Oh, ha, ha. You're right, of course, on all counts. The WTC thing was a work of art…all those people jumping out of…and not in my wildest dreams did I figure that the whole buildings would come down…just beautiful…3,000 infidels dead in a coupla hours, not to mention the Pentagon. I just thought there would be the usual name-calling dust-up at the United Nations, but that Russia and France and China would monkey-wrench any serious revenge...and now look at us…I found two snakes in my pipe bowl yesterday and ants in my fig-newtons this morning. Now I can see why man evolved as fast as he could from being a cave-dweller.

A: As you know, Chief O, we would have called off the WTC thing when Bush, Dubya, Shrub - whatever they call him - was elected, because we saw what his old man did to that snake Saddam in ninety-one when he kicked him out of Kuwait, but the planning was too far gone…well, actually, we couldn't remember Atta's cell-phone number, and we couldn't find him, either…found out later he was holed up in what they call a "house of ill repute," or something like that, where the girls don't wear burkas…or not much of anything, come to think of it.

O: Sounds like you've been to one of those houses, there Ayman. Been holding out on me? The imams would make it pretty hard on you if they found out.

A: Imams? Who do you think I saw the most of there? Imams? I laugh! Even old Mohammad went after little girls…okay, an awful lot of big girls, too. Imams! Anyway, we couldn't stop the WTC operation, and I've personally sawed off the heads of five of our computer techies who were supposed to know how to contact Atta 24/7, may their rotten souls be maggot-food in hell! Actually, too, we figured Al Gore would win the election, or at least would pay the Supreme Court of Florida enough to steal it for him, so we figured he wouldn't do anything - just like Clinton before him - even if we blew up all the Hooters restaurants. Gore couldn't even buy off the Supreme Court…right down the street from his office, so we got caught in a bad mistake. If it had been our Supreme Court, that is if we had such a miserable thing, we would have gotten a ruling at sword-point, might have had to do a be-heading or two, but we…

O: So we wouldn't have gone after the WTC, huh? You figure Dubya or Cowboy or whatever they call him would have just gone after that snake Saddam and left our little dollhouse here alone, huh?

A: Yeah, Dubya or Shrub or whatever that cowboy's called had it in for Saddam. Most people say because Saddam tried to kill his old man, but I don't think that. Dubya was not as dumb as people claim. He knew that rat-hole coward meant to hurt the USA anyway he could, but he was surprised to find out that the frogs were in on it, too…Germany, too. And then there's the UN bunch that was getting rich off the Iraqi-food thing, and the Iraqis starving while Saddam built all those garish palaces…

O: Careful there, Ayman. Just whose companies do you think built those perfectly beautiful palaces…repeat, perfectly beautiful…

A: Sorry about that, Chief. I forgot that you and your family do all the heavy construction stuff in the whole Middle East…you can take that AK-47 muzzle out of my good eye there now…you have my apology.

O: Just don't make that mistake again, you son of a polo-goat-bag, or I'll turn you into a polo-goat-bag. Now, what should we do about the U.S. elections? Kerry seems like a peaceful warmonger, while Bush is a plain old crazy, fighting-mad warmonger. He's still on our trail, and that's why I smell like burnt camel dung all the time in these miserable caves. I wish we had some kindling.

A: I've got people working for Kerry, of course. Just the other day, he said he would fight a sensitive war, and we take that to mean he would not fight at all, since being sensitive to people is not exactly apologizing while killing them; rather, it means not killing them, in the first place. The problem is that our intelligence changes every day on Kerry because he seems to change his mind every day. They call it flip-flopping in the USA. We were hoping for Howard Dean because he was dumb enough to take on the Episcopal Church on some sort of bike-path disagreement, but…

O: So, it's Kerry all the way, huh? I heard he threw away his medals once. That sounds good.

A: Yeah, but now they're on his office wall, so…like I said, you never know about him, but he's our guy.