It’s just after midnight in a cave in Afghanistan somewhere just west of the Pakistani border. Osama bin Laden, al Qaeda leader, is meeting with his deputy terrorist, Ayman al-Zawahiri, and Iran president/terrorist Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, hereinafter referenced as O, A, and M.
**O: I guess it’s somewhere around midnight…praise Allah for undercover darkness…not that I can tell by this watch left by the Russians in 1989. Its face is a picture of the American Ronald Reagan, with the second-hand flipping up his nose once every minute.
**M: Does that Russian compass still point to Lenin’s tomb…Allah be praised for any dead white man, even a butcher?
**O: No, Mahmoud, I got rid of that accursed compass, but the one I have now came from Hugo Chavez…Allah, forgive me for not noticing sooner…and it points to his palace in Venezuela as true-east. I prayed toward Caracas instead of Mecca for two weeks…and…
**A: And the American drones dropped bombs almost on top of us for Osama’s sin…Allah, forgive him…for those two weeks and drove us back over here from Pakistan where we were happy in the Swat Valley…
**M: The Swat Valley? Isn’t that where the Pakistani soldiers are fighting you, Ayman…Allah damn all Pakistanis except the Shiites!
**A (grabbing AK-47 and firing into the overhead): Except the Shiites! I’ll give you some Shiite blood, Mahmoud, your own…
**O (glaring at A): Now see what you’ve done, Ayman…dead bat entrails in my hair and rocks falling all over the place. (glaring at M) Put down your gun, Mahmoud! Ayman…Allah bless his loyalty…was just making the point that we Sunnis are taking the heat and outnumber you Shiites all over the world…it’s our turn.
**M: Well, I’ve just returned from the UN parley on race and I was outnumbered there…so there, Ayman. I know about being outnumbered but…Allah take note…I stand up for myself like I did at the race-meeting, meaning I turned it into a shouting match and accused the Israelis and Americans of being not as far evolved as Shiites…or even Sunnis…
**A: Watch it, Mahmoud! Mullah Omar’s Sunni Taliban are fighting with us…or starving with us (looks up and blows feathers out of his mouth)…Allah send food, PLEASE…so one word from Osama and…
**O: Not to worry, Mahmoud…Allah be not grieved by Ayman’s whining…tell us how the new American president, Hussein Obama, is doing.
**M: Oh hoo-hah…ha…ha…he listened on Trinidad for 50 minutes to Daniel Ortega call the USA everything from a horse’s derriere to a Kurd’s pea-brain…Allah be glorified…and responsible for every evil thing up to and including earthquakes, global warming or cooling, even the girls’ schools. He said not a word when Ortega said his people would stop fighting to get in the USA if Obama would just pay him mucho greenbacks…get that…mucho…
**O: I got it, I got it and did the Obamessiah…ha..ha…that’s what the American republicans call him…say anything?
**M: Oh yes…hoo-hah…he said the USA had been mean, had been a horse’s derriere, and apologized to every nation there, and said the USA caused earthquakes, global warming or cooling, even the girls’ schools.
**A: Is it true, as I’ve heard, that the Obamessiah plans to officially apologize to every country in the world by July Fourth, the anniversary of the day the Americans threw out the British…praise Allah for all bloodshed – make that any bloodshed that’s not Sunni.
**I don’t know about that…it wasn’t in that vision I had when I was speaking at the UN in 2005.
**O: You mean about the 12th Imam, Mahmoud, and the glorious reign?
**M: Yes, yes, of course. I’m building a mosque for his arrival…could be any time now, especially if I make the bomb and throw it at the Israeli dogs…praise Allah…all hell will break loose and we’ll have a great war and then…
**A: a-a-a-r-r-r-g-g-g-h-h-h-a-a-r-r-g-g-h-h-A-A-R-R-G-G-H-H!!!!!! WHOOPEE!!!!!
**M (covering his ears): Has that goat-bag lost his senses, Osama? Look, the latrine is flowing under your prayer rug.
**O (slapping A across the mouth): Shut up, Ayman. No, Mahmoud…Allah be not mortified! Ayman does the Dean Scream when he’s upset. It used to end “On to Wisconsin,” but Dean has changed the end to a simple “Whoopee!” He got a dead fish in the mail from Obamessiah’s chief gofer, named Rahm something-or-other, and took that as a sign he would not be around long if he opened his mouth in Washington.
**M: He’s banished…is that it?
**O: Yes, yes. He brought on the great victory for Obamessiah by not doing what the Rahm told him, so he had to go. Praise Allah, that’s loyalty in the Hussein Obama style…sorta like Saddam’s. Oh ha...ha...ha…the new president’s style…just like Saddam Hussein’s.
**M: Obama and I are supposed to meet over tea soon…no preconditions, of course. Hoo-hah! No preconditions! I’ve already laid out the preconditions and I suspect Obama will apologize for even thinking otherwise. We also have that lady-journalist as a bargaining-chip and I suspect the Obama is more like Jimmy Carter than Ronald Reagan. He’s busy now, however, with dangers at home.
**A: What dangers, Mahmoud? He’s surrounded by the Secret Service, even in the latrine.
**M: His new FEMA Head Honcho has declared that retuning veterans are a danger to society. She’s even said people who say God in public are closet terrorists. Obama himself said in the campaign that white people become disoriented under pressure and grab their Bibles and their M-16s, and go looking for immigrants…Allah be bewildered…maybe so they can do the funeral at the same time they shoot an immigrant. Oh hoo-hah…only in America.
**O: What about the government, Mahmoud?
**M: The government is taking over the banks and the carmakers…so follow the money in a bright red Cadillac…oh hoo-hah…all the way to the White House, where I’ve heard that the motto on the wall in the Oval Office is “Let them eat cake!” Oh…hoo-hah…only in America!