Osama, Ayman & Mahmoud

It’s late at night in a cave just east of the Afghanistan-Pakistan border. Osama bin Laden and his second-in- command, Ayman al-Zawahiri, are meeting with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, hereinafter referred to as O, A, and M, respectively.

~O: Allah be praised for your speech at the American Columbia University, Mahmoud, but you should have proclaimed a fatwa on the spot for the president of the university for saying mean things about us just to protect his job…Allah plague him with a thousand Arabian nights in the camel stables….
~M: Allah be glorified…but I cannot do fatwas, Osama, as you know. Only the ayatollahs have the glorious privilege of putting out contracts on…
~A: Bah! Khomeini – your boss, Mahmoud – could have put out a fatwa…Allah be ashamed of him…within the hour and had someone behead the infidel at the end of your speech and set off a bomb… but Allah be further ashamed…he is a weak Shiite…
~M: (grabbing his AK-47) Just hold it there, you son of a goat and one-eyed sheep…Allah look down on me, your warrior…(clicking off the safety) or I’ll put out that other eye and help you join your damnable Sunnis where the virgins never tread and…
~O: (waving his own AK-47 and glaring at Zawahiri) A thousand apologies, Mahmoud, the most feared Muslim since Mohammad Ali beat Frazier and Calypso Louie shot Malcolm X…Allah be entreated for calmness…let us not discriminate and we shall overcome, we shall overcome (starts singing)
~A: For the sake of Allah and before his fires descend, Osama, stop that foolishness…it is the theme song of a Christian, not a Muslim…and a black Christian at that…Allah be praised for black Muslims in America…if only they would…Allah be forgiving…do the homicide/suicide number…a-a-r-r-g-g-h-A-A-R-R-G-G-H-HA-A-R-R-G-G-H-H-On to Wisconsin
~O: (firing a small burst upward) Stop it, Ayman…Allah be mortified…overlook that awful scream, Mahmoud, it is something Ayman learned from the American Howard Dean in 2004 and Ayman uses it whenever he is overcome with frustration…
~A: (quieting) Now look what you’ve done, Osama, firing at the ceiling…dead bats all over the place and rocks and water all over our prayer rugs and bat-entrails in our hookah…Allah look the other way…
~O: Mahmoud, we are tired of living in the squalor of this cave, where the sun never shines…Forgive me Allah for the complaint…where the sun never shines, I shivered where the cold winds blow, in the pines, in the pines…
~M: (puzzled look) Ayman, what is he…
~A: It’s that damned bluegrass music again…he’s been listening to Voice of America over the shortwave…Allah be merciful…Osama, we need to get to the point…and you’re ’way off-key anyway.
~O: Allah be praised for pines, whatever they are…oh yes, the point of this meeting…Mahmoud, the deaths are going down every day in Iraq and I’ve just sent a message through al Jazeera to our brothers there to get the blood flowing again…anybody’s blood, especially…Allah grant a bloodthirsty blessing…the blood of Americans, but any blood will do, and you haven’t kept your promise to send over more roadside bombs…
~M: With all due respect…Allah look down with beneficence and understanding of a poor president…we’re sending everything but the kitchen sink. The problem is that the Iraqi men are fed up with your gang killing their women and children…well…at least the women, and, okay, the girls don’t count. Anyway, the problem is with the Americans…Allah damn all white Anglo-Saxon men…who won’t leave, even with the Speaker Pelosi in her cute pant-suits demanding they do and the democratic candidates caterwauling all over some weird little patches called New Hampshire and Iowa and trying to act presidential. (laughs) The candidate Mike Gravel told the homosexuals in something called a debate the other night that homosexuals make the best soldiers and learn about love in mutually shared foxholes. (laughs hysterically)
~A: You told them at Columbia that there are no homosexuals in Iran, didn’t you, Mahmoud? Did you tell them why? (laughs uproariously) Allah be praised for the virgins – everywhere! There’s nothing like a good stoning to view in an afternoon hookah session…with strong leaves…praise Allah for the poppies! A-A-H-H
~O: Mahmoud, with all due respect, you should not be noticing Pelosi’s pant-suits…Allah, forgive him…for he knoweth not what he doeth…
~A: That’s the Bible in the infidel King James, not the Koran in the blessed Arabic, Osama…Allah be not vengeful…you’ve been watching the infidel TV preachers again…
~M: I must go…Allah be watchful over me, the most important man in the world…there’s a beheading in Syria at noon and I mustn’t miss it…a missionary of some sort, I believe. And then it’s on to Sudan…Allah be praised for gunpowder…where we’re doing a collective fatwa for the ayatollah on those in the South, as well as some UN peacekeepers…peacekeepers…(laughs)…peacekeepers my gold-embossed turban…they rape the women and make slaves of the children faster than the holy warriors do!
~O: (later) Ayman, do you think Mahmoud is all there? (circles his ear with his finger) Remember, he had that vision, he said, while speaking at the UN last year…Allah be mystified…do you think he’s on to something?
~A: a-a-r-r-h-h-g-g-A-A-R-R-G-G-H-H-A-A-R-R-H-H-G-G-On to Wisconsin!!!
~O: DITTO!!!