Propagandians Riot Nationwide
WASHINGTON [Afternoon Extra]: A cadre of approximately 500 students armed with AK-47s stormed the main entrance of the Pentagon at 1:00 a.m. today rattling many windows by executing the DEAN SCREAM® and shouting that their secular/sacred scripture, NEWSWEEK, had been reliably reported by a highly placed Pentagon janitor to have been flushed down a commode in the personal toilet of Defense Chief Donald Rumsfeld, and that Rumsfeld himself had depressed the flush-box handle before a number of witnesses. The badly outnumbered sentries on duty responded according to top-secret protocols for the defense of the building and perhaps would have annihilated the students after the first shots were fired but found it unnecessary because the group’s leaders had apparently forgotten to allocate any ammunition to the would-be killers, who were arrested and gave as their collective address the location of the WASHINGTON POST CO., the owner of NEWSWEEK, claimed by those arrested to be the “record of the Creator of Heaven and Earth and Paradise and Nirvana and Moonie World .”
At the same time, a car was reported by Pentagon sentries to be entering the southern parking lot and traveling at a high rate of speed toward the south entrance. Two men wearing facemasks and one woman wearing a complete burka-like disguise with “make words, not sewage” in luminous letters stenciled on it left the parked the car as close to the entrance as possible and fled on foot. Moments later, it was discovered by a bomb-defusing team searching the car that the fuse on a shoe filled with what appeared to be plastic explosive had burnt out, although later it was discovered that the material in the shoe was mere pizza dough inscribed with the name of the food item – PastaBlaster, and probably mistaken by the attackers as the real thing.
In what appeared to be a well-planned national attack on government/military installations throughout the country at about the same hour local-time, other groups apparently connected with such organizations as NOW, RAINBOW/PUSH, ACLU, DNC, PLAYBOY, LOS ANGELES TIMES, and HUSTLER and also using the DEAN SCREAM® and yelling epithets/slogans such as “just the weak would kill Newsweek,” “give me liberty or give me Newsweek,” “paradise seek at only Newsweek,” “never the meek shall inherit Newsweek” broke windows and set up picket lines, threatening bodily harm to anyone attempting to enter or exit the properties. After being arrested in San Francisco, they claimed that on orders from the Washington planners, who headed the only group charged with exerting lethal force, they were only to disrupt the daily routine and effect property damage in the name of NEWSWEEK, “the record of the divine reincarnation of the IMMACULATE PROTOZOA, father/mother of all life.” Crazed by the flushing of NEWSWEEK, some forty demonstrators threatened self-immolation until a policeman offered them a box of matches. As a result, the policeman was also jailed and charged with attempted murder, with a conviction guaranteed by the San Francisco chief prosecutor, also a NEWSWEEK adherent but obviously not among the demonstrators.
In NEWSWEEK congregations – whose members are called Propagandians – throughout the nation, prayer vigils have been established for those labeled as “the brave defenders of the gospel of propaganda.” Leaders of the National Council of Churches convened in New York at four a.m. and quickly released this statement: It is with regret that we condemn the leaders of the U.S. military establishment for this insensitive trampling of the sacred book NEWSWEEK, and it is our hope that a comprehensive and immediate apology to all those who worship the IMMACULATE PROTOZOA is forthcoming. We call upon the president and the Congress to seriously consider reparations to those who have been perhaps irredeemably traumatized by this attempted flushing of their faith.
As word has traveled to other countries regarding the highly-placed janitor’s startling disclosure, there have been riots in areas with heavy concentrations of Propagandians, who have, for instance, climbed the Eiffel Tower in Paris and peppered Muslims and Christians with overripe wine-grapes, and at the Brandenburg Gate in Berlin, where Propagandians have blocked the streets and are carrying posters of Rumsfeld sporting a Hitlerian moustache, with the wording Leave Rumsfeld to the mighty netherworld of Protozoan Revenge. Leaders of the Muslim community in London have praised Rumsfeld for his action in flushing what they termed “the writings of the American infidel-press,” and have called for the lifting of the fatwa (contract) on Rumsfeld’s life and inculcating a new fatwa on the editor of NEWSWEEK.
Russian President Putin has called on President Bush to denounce Rumsfeld publicly, strip him of his position, and has offered to allow the current Russian police establishment to interrogate the secretary at the Lubyanka Prison in Moscow, known for its huge number of confessions. He has also vowed to convince the Parliament to administer twenty rubles to every Propagandian in Russia as a show of good faith, in the albeit unlikely event any can be found. As a further show of “solidarity with the religiously oppressed peoples of the world,” Putin has confirmed that at noon tomorrow, Russian time, he will publicly flush down his own toilet-commode a copy of the U.S. Uniform Code of Military Justice, thereby exhibiting no fear of rioting American GIs in Moscow, all three of them.
Meanwhile in Washington, Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid has issued a statement condemning President Bush for nominating “ultra-right-religious-bigot-racist-fundamentalist judges to the Appellate Courts, thus encouraging fascist acts such as desecrating the sacred NEWSWEEK, and vowed to close down the Senate, the Boy Scouts, the Marine Band, and all the ships at sea if Majority Leader Frist even “breathes the term nuclear option.”
NOTE: Since publishing the above but too late to stop the presses and its distribution, the highly-placed janitor, under heavy questioning by the FBI, CIA, SPCA, PTA, FOE, FOP, and Fox News, has admitted that he might have been mistaken and that he now believes Rumsfeld could have flushed a copy of a speech by John Kerry in which he claimed the Navy forced him into an illegal Cambodian rendezvous with Propagandian missionaries during Christmas 1968, violating the separation-of-church-and-state concept and breaking International Law.