No More (Gasp!) Special Observances?

Now that the hurricane season actually IS over, not the one concerning wind and waves, such as Katrina and Rita, but the one concerning all the hot air accruing to various and assorted blatherings of one kind or another about whether or notChristmas should be spelled simply mas (the plural of “ma,” bless her heart), leaving Christ out of it in order not to offend any poor soul from the likes of Upper Lower Slobbovia – who might (gasp) be a sun-worshipper – and actually changing December 25 to Mothers’ Day. This, of course, was unintentional on the part of the diversity-freaks and multicultural do-gooders, but, then, these folks are known for their pure motives and not for any slight indication of …well…elevators that don’t quite reach the top floor. Suffice it to say that they at least lathered the populace into a warm wintertime contretemps, the perfect antidote for either “cabin fever” or temporary “Bushwhacking” of one kind or another.

Now that December 25 has been changed from Christmas to Mothers’ Day, it remains to be seen what can be done in May with the former observance dedicated to the nation’s mothers. The easy answer would be simply to just make that May date become Christmas, especially since the birth of Christ might have been closer to May than December (no one actually knows), but the thorny problem of offending somebody over calling attention to Christ would still be operative. It’s been rumored that both Mothers’ Day and Fathers’ Day, held in June for no particular reason, are discriminatory because the nation does not have either an Uncles’ or an Aunts’ Day. This could be serious business, especially if the ACLU should get into the act.

And then there are the cousins, sons, daughters, step-children, step-significant-other-children, biological-significant-other-children, great-aunts, great-uncles, godfathers, godmothers, fathers-of-the-bride, mothers-of-the-bride, step-grandfathers, step-grandmothers – okay, get the picture. Mothers’ Day will probably be outlawed before next December, and fathers, already strapped for hard cash, might be looking forward to the demise of their day and all other DAYS. In short, all observances, except perhaps the swearing-in of the president, will simply have to be consigned to the proverbial dustbin-of-history, lest some group suffer discrimination. Indeed, Independence Day – July 4 for those who graduated high school in the last 25 years – may have to be sacrificed on the altar of global political correctness, since it can be construed as embarrassing to the British. Labor Day may have to go by the board, as well, since there’s no such thing as Management Day. Congress could declare a Management Day, but is not likely to do so because of the huge contributions to their general welfare (otherwise known as campaigns) made by those in Management who need “favors.”

With the foreclosure of Christmas in favor of Mothers’ Day, something will have to be done about Easter, also known by Christians as Resurrection Day. The reason is simple, to wit, Christ was crucified on a Friday, precisely the wrong day with respect to the fact that Friday is the day of worship (or Sabbath) for Moslems. Notwithstanding the fact that the crucifixion stands at the heart of Christian beliefs or that Christians greatly outnumber Moslems in this country, Easter must go, since the resurrection of Christ was made possible only by the crucifixion, which is understandably (at least according to the ACLU) offensive to Moslems, whose sensitivities must not be ruptured, never mind the sensitivities endemic to the beheading of defenseless mortals in the name of Allah. Moreover, unlike Christ, Mohammad, the inventor of Islam about 1500 years ago, did not resurrect after he died; therefore, Easter represents a putdown of Islam, something that cannot be tolerated in a nation of “sensitive” people. Perhaps what has become known as Easter weekend can be called something like “Unhappy Holidays,” at least with respect to the first day, and “Happy Holidays,” with respect to the last day. Since it has become mostly a time of vacationing or trips to WalMart and the Mall for bargains, in any event, maybe it can be simply renamed “Happy Hedonism Day.”

Other DAYS may have to go. Pearl Harbor Day could be offensive to the Japanese citizens who are tired of being reminded of the atrocity connected to that day. Memorial Day could be offensive to families who do/did not have relatives killed in military action. Halloween may have to go, since people of faith look with a collective jaundiced eye on that “celebration” of the occult. Thanksgiving may be taboo to the Native Americans, not that anyone knows exactly who they were, whose ancestors probably wished many times that the Pilgrims, Puritans, John Smith, and Sir Walter Raleigh had minded their own business. Columbus Day may be out, since an Italian exploring for Spain represents a Mediterranean influence unseemly to the Boston Irish and the Minnesota wheat-growers, not to mention the Appalachian banjo-pickers.

Whole weeks or months of observances could be wiped out when the Diversity Police and the First Amendment Enforcers have ascended to multicultural Karma and returned as enlightened creatures of super-tolerance and offensiveness-killers. This may be the last week for Kwanzaa, notwithstanding its relatively short time span. Foisting African rituals upon the nation could be considered by every ethnic group in the land as terribly insensitive, even traumatic to those of Scandinavian ancestry, whose claims about Vikings being the first to find America (here all the time, but who notices that?) already upsets Italians and those of Spanish descent. Holy Week remarks Christianity to a degree that might be offensive to Buddhists, not to mention the Cripps and the Bloods, gangs who consider blood-letting a rite of passage not to be co-opted by mere Christians, wimps that they are.

And then there’s the month of February, co-opted by – does anyone know who? – to be Black History Month. It started out innocently enough and with no complaints of note as a week in February, then took off as a month-long observance, even though the country’s most important white men, Washington and Lincoln (again for those who have had history, or non-history, in high school or college in the last 25 years), were born in February. Since there’s no White History Month or Oriental History Month or Native-American History Month, how can there be a Black History Month?

One could go on and on, but the point would seem to be clear enough. There simply cannot any longer be observances of any kind in this country, since each one is certain to offend somebody or some group. There is this problem, of course: If observances are shelved, all the holidays or days-off connected to them, firmly ingrained and considered indispensable, will automatically be dispensable, another way of saying gone. Therein may lie some hope that special days, weeks, and months will be preserved, not because they mean anything much, but because they represent perks…everything from a week at the beach to a day at the mall. People tend to forget even important things such as diversity-as-god when contemplating the daily grind.

So…perhaps Christmas will not become Mothers’ Day after all, and maybe even the ACLU will let up since National Law Day could be in jeopardy…unless, of course, and, in all fairness, some sort of National Crime Day be observed, perhaps with the longest-serving murderer on Death Row being honored for working the system better than anyone else.