Whither the Holidays?

The diversity vigilantes are on the job this year, protecting the populace from unwarranted “sensitivity attacks” such as those occasioned by references to Christmas. The ACLU is the watchdog, causing some religionists to consider removing Christ from Christmas, leaving only Mas to connote the season, the squirrelly believers, rumored to be Catholics, secretly shifting the emphasis to Mary, the mother – get it…Ma (singular). The wily ACLU caught them, of course, and insisted that if the emphasis is on Mas, the day be re-christened Mother’s Day, instead of Christmas, thus offending no one, since Mothers (Mas) and apple pie are considered sacred and not a threat to church-state separation. Christmas should be spelled simply mas (the plural of “ma,” bless her heart), leaving Christ out of it in order not to offend any poor soul from the likes of Upper Lower Slobbovia – who might (gasp) be a sun-worshipper – and actually changing December 25 to Mothers’ Day.

If December 25 is changed from Christmas to Mothers’ Day, it remains to be seen what can be done in May with the former observance dedicated to the nation’s mothers. The easy answer would be simply to just make that May date become Christmas, especially since the birth of Christ might have been closer to May than December (no one actually knows), but the thorny problem of offending somebody over calling attention to Christ again would still be operative. It’s been rumored that both Mothers’ Day and Fathers’ Day are discriminatory because the nation does not have either an Uncles’ or an Aunts’ Day. This could be serious business, especially if the ACLU should get into the act. Of course, an Uncles’ Day would trigger thoughts of Uncle Sam, thus causing the ACLU a monstrous dilemma again concerning church and state, since democrats, especially, worship government as the Creator of all good things.

And then there are the cousins, sons, daughters, step-children, step-significant-other-children, biological-significant-other-children, great-aunts, great-uncles, godfathers, godmothers, fathers-of-the-bride, mothers-of-the-bride, step-grandfathers, step-grandmothers – okay, get the picture. Mothers’ Day will probably be outlawed before next December, and fathers, already strapped for hard cash, might be looking forward to the demise of their day and all other DAYS. Indeed, Independence Day – July 4 for those who graduated high school in the last 25 years – may have to be sacrificed on the altar of global political correctness, since it can be construed as embarrassing to the British. Labor Day may have to go by the board, as well, since there’s no such thing as Management Day. Congress could declare a Management Day, but is not likely to do so because it would point to the huge contributions to their general welfare (otherwise known as campaigns or money-under-the-table) made by those in Management who need “favors.” This is the “Congressman Jefferson Political Syndrome,” defined by that $90,000 collected in a garage and stashed among the frozen chicken nuggets to “ward off e coli.”

With the foreclosure of Christmas in favor of Mothers’ Day, something will have to be done about Easter, also known by Christians as Resurrection Day. The reason is simple, to wit, Christ was crucified on a Friday, precisely the wrong day with respect to the fact that Friday is the day of worship (or Sabbath) for Moslems. Notwithstanding the fact that the crucifixion stands at the heart of Christian beliefs or that Christians greatly outnumber Moslems in this country, Easter must go, since the resurrection of Christ was made possible only by the crucifixion, which is understandably (at least according to the ACLU) offensive to Moslems, whose sensitivities must not be ruptured on Fridays, never mind the sensitivities endemic to the beheading of defenseless mortals in the name of Allah, even on the Christian Sunday. Moreover, unlike Christ, Mohammad, the inventor of Islam about 1500 years ago, did not resurrect after he died (though Iranian President Ahmadinejad might claim to be Mohammad incarnate – that “vision thing” during his UN speech); therefore, Easter represents a putdown of Islam, something that cannot be tolerated in a nation of “sensitive” people. Since it has become mostly a time of vacationing or trips to WalMart and the Mall for bargains, maybe Easter can be simply renamed “Happy Hedonism Day,” and everyone will be multi-culturally rapturous.

Other DAYS may have to go. Pearl Harbor Day could be offensive to the Japanese citizens who are tired of being reminded of the atrocity connected to that day. Memorial Day could be offensive to families who do/did not have relatives killed in military action. Halloween may have to go, since people of faith look with a collective jaundiced eye on that “celebration” of the occult. Thanksgiving may be taboo to the Native Americans, not that anyone knows exactly who their forebears were, and whose ancestors probably wished many times that the Pilgrims, Puritans, John Smith, and Sir Walter Raleigh had minded their own business. Columbus Day may be out, since an Italian exploring for Spain represents a Mediterranean influence unseemly to the Boston Irish and the Minnesota wheat-growers, not to mention the Appalachian banjo-pickers…sort of a Catholic, Lutheran, Presbyterian, snake-handling-Charismatic contretemps that ruptures diverse “sensitivities.”

Whole weeks or months of observances could be wiped out when the Diversity Police and the First Amendment Enforcers have attended multicultural therapy-sessions and returned as enlightened creatures of super-tolerance and offensiveness-killers. This may be the last week for Kwanzaa, notwithstanding its relatively short time span. Foisting African rituals upon the nation could be considered by every non-African-American ethnic group in the land as terribly insensitive, even traumatic to those of Scandinavian ancestry, whose claims about Vikings being the first to find America (the place here all the time, but who notices that?) already upsets Italians and those of Spanish descent. Holy Week remarks Christianity to a degree that might be offensive to Buddhists, not to mention the Cripps and the Bloods, gangs who consider blood-letting a rite of passage not to be co-opted by mere Christians, wimps that they are, notwithstanding the episode of the Cross.

And then there’s the month of February, co-opted by – does anyone know who? – to be Black History Month. It started out innocently enough and with no complaints of note as a week in February, then took off as a month-long observance, even though the country’s most important white men, Washington and Lincoln (again for those who have had history, or non-history, in high school or college in the last 25 years), were born in February. Since there’s no White History Month or Oriental History Month or Native-American History Month or Latino History Month, how can there be a Black History Month?

One could go on and on, but the point would seem to be clear enough. There simply cannot any longer be observances of any kind in this country, since each one is certain to offend somebody or some group. Problem: If observances are shelved, all the holidays or days-off connected to them, firmly ingrained and considered indispensable, will automatically become dispensable, another way of saying gone. Therein may lie some hope that special days, weeks, and months will be preserved, not because they mean anything much, but because they represent perks…everything from a week at the beach to a day at the mall. People tend to forget even important things such as diversity-as-god when contemplating the daily grind.

So…perhaps Christmas will not become Mothers’ Day after all, and maybe even the ACLU will let up since National Law Day could be in jeopardy…unless, of course, and, in all fairness, some sort of National Crime Day be observed, perhaps with the longest-serving murderer on Death Row being honored for working the system better than anyone else.