Dear Schoolteacher Safoorah Khan,
First, just let me congratulate you on your determination to get to Mecca before you die and risk going to hell for not making the Hajj. The school board in Chicago has refused your request for three weeks off to make the trip, thus forcing Attorney General Holder to sue the board to see that it either accedes to your request or pays you handsomely for some sort of academic PTSD and awards you a lifetime disability pension, the latter being my choice but to each his own. I am the CEO of the Institute for Modifying All Government Entities (known as IMAGE, for short), an organization designed for the purpose of helping people appear in the best light possible. Since most people (those uncouth Christians, mostly) probably object to your request (or even your existence), account your being Muslim, IMAGE can help you appear as perfectly normal, even admirable since most people with good sense are terrified of being trampled to death at Mecca, the usual extra-curricular activity vis-à-vis the Hajj.
The IMAGE agency that would deal with your case is known as the Headquarters for Official Liberal Damnation of Egregious Rendition, known for short by its acronym HOLDER. This outfit helped Sheik Khalid of 9/11 fame immeasurably, despite his admission of guilt and request to be exterminated, when it was thought that he would be tried in New York instead of Guantanamo since he had been in multi-rendition mode and spilled his guts, thus saving perhaps millions. Since you could never hope, as a Muslim female, to allow your holy self to get through airport frisking or scanning (forms of domestic rendition-torture), HOLDER can, possibly applying to Holder himself, mobilize action on your part in favor of skirting those regulations. Failing that, HOLDER could possibly disguise you as a man, though that might be problematic but only to the extent of maybe 20 years in the Big House. Are you up to that sacrifice for the Hajj?
William Ayers, a close friend of the president and a crafty much-appreciated domestic terrorist with the Weather Underground (known as American al-Qaeda) teaches at a university in Chicago and could also be helpful in any mobilization effort such as, for instance, demonstrating at the airport and maybe blowing up a restroom or two while you took advantage of the distraction to make it to the plane. There would be little danger in this since AG Holder doesn’t prosecute the New Black Panthers for violence and certainly would not prosecute a friend and ally of the president.
Since you are now in the public eye, you will need the IMAGE agency known as the Theatrical Organization for Righteous Temporizing Undergirding Rhetorical Efficacy, or TORTURE, for short. Everything that happens will be televised so you will need to present an image to the public of a caring, religious soul merely carrying out Allah’s will for your life. TORTURE will help you know just how far to go in playing to the cameras during this ordeal, as well as how to make your pitch to the public as a tortured victim of an insensitive country. Victimization is a hallmark of government these days. TORTURE’s expert on both style and substance is the Rev. Dr. Jeremiah Wright. He will teach you how to be heard over at O’hare or Midway without benefit of microphones. He will teach you the words of some old gospel hymns he uses in his sermons and even a bit of tune to use for effect. He will show you the appropriate African dress (he says Eden, whether Muslim or whatever, was in the Congo) and may even loan you some of his sermonic attires – wild when compared to the bongo-like delivery and the “pulpit shuffle.” You might even make American Idol.
IMAGE’s department responsible for properly stroking the powerful is known as the Consortium for Honoring Establishment Nincompoops and Egotistical Yahoos, known, for short, as CHENEY. Never underestimate the need for pandering, and the more shallow the pandered-to, the easier is the task. In a word, this simply means that CHENEY will get your case before a congressional committee if necessary, automatically inducing a hearing in the Senate, though the House might not be a possibility after this month. You teach in the Chicago system, which, like all other Chicago institutions, is, ipso facto, a mélange of democrats, whether alive or dead for voting purposes, perhaps the latter having a superior IQ to the former. This means that your problem could go before a judge whose elevator doesn’t reach the top floor, meaning that he might consider the Hajj to be a gambling joint susceptible to kickback schemes for licensing. I’m sure you, as a part of the establishment, get the point and see your need for help.
Since in your fame you will be required to make speeches and TV appearances on MSNBC against the government interference in your practice of religion, IMAGE is instituting an agency to help you, the Bureau for Legal and Theological Hajj-Ethics Rhetoric, known by its acronym BLATHER. The speeches, well-reasoned and different from the theatrics mentioned above, will be designed (and if necessary put on teleprompters) so that you can make the Hajj as religious an experience as a Baptist baptism in the river or a Mass at St. Peter’s Basilica or – to be fair to everyone – as spiritual as a chicken-beheading at a Satanist convention, nudist or otherwise. This will keep you from forgetting and mentioning Sharia Law or cutting off hands or beheading Kurds or stoning “those women.”
I hope to hear from you soon.
I.M. Reverself, CEO