Kerry's Veep-hunt II


It's early evening and Senator Kerry is phoning some likely prospects to see if any of them will fit in as his veep partner in the November election.

Kerry: Hi, Dick. The old river-rat here.

Gephardt: Huh?

K: You know, Dick, God's gift to the Heinz foundation…the old Cong-bonger.

G: Sorry, but you have the wrong number, sir. Who're you trying to reach? Maybe I can help…I've sure been in this miserable town long enough to know at least all the lobbyists…are you from Missouri maybe?

K: Dick, this is John.

G: O yeah, and I'm Tom, Dick, or Harry…bug off wise guy…are you maybe a precinct cap…that's it…one o' my union buddies…yeah one o' my union idiots…you went for Screamin' Howard, you…

K: Cool it, Dick. This is John Kerry…you know…cripes, I thought you'd at least remember MY voice. I'm the best-known democrat in the world right now…maybe the best-known person, bar none…I'm…

G: Oh gee, sorry about that, John…yeah, I shoulda caught those dulcet, well-accented, marvelous New England-bred syllables of pure oratorical superiority…say, how the hell are you these days…how's the search for a vice president getting along…you know the search for someone who can bring along labor and corn-growers and…

K: You hit the nail right on the head there, Dick…probably my best friend in the House…no hard feelings even though you nailed me pretty hard on the war-thing financing in those debates.

G: Well, I voted for the thing, John, and everybody knew it, so…besides, that was a campaign…nobody expects anything but mud in a campaign. Look what you did to all of us with all that talk about medals we didn't have, except maybe for Wesley. By the way, I heard you called him the other…

K: That was just a courtesy call, Dick…you know, he's a friend of Hill and Bill and we need to get those folks on board…that damn book-signing campaign of Bill's is bad enough without him and her highness…scratch that, Dick, you never heard me say that…without Hillary in the loop…well, what are we without New York? Look, you served in the Air National Guard, just like Dubya, and that was patriotic enough while I was risking my…

G: Okay, so it was a courtesy call, even though that's not what Wesley's putting out. You'd think he already has the nomination locked up…

K: Look, Dick, just between us, if you were in my place, would you even think of old Waffling Wesley? Why…

G: Naw, John, I'd just think about whoever could bring in the farmers and lawyers and…okay, so you're a lawyer, Edwards is a lawyer, I'm a lawyer…you don't need somebody to pull the lawyer vote…but…

K: It's not nearly as strong as it used to be, Dick, but I need to lock up the union vote and…

G: Well, it oughtta be clear enough just how to do that, John…

K: It's not that easy, Dick. You know the union biggies went for Howard out in Iowa and just about everywhere else, but that scream of his I figure might've turned 'em off and maybe you could…but only if you can get those meatheads…strike that, Dick, you didn't hear that. John Edwards used that term to me just the other…

G: Oh, you've been talkin' to Oily John, too, John. Looks like the old top man in the house…okay Pelosi IS top man now, but I spent a lotta time carryin' the water…what was I about to say, anyway?

K: I was wondering if you can get the union vote back from Howard, especially since he almost reached the hysteria level out in Iowa that Tom Harkin did at that funeral circus for poor old Wellstone that handed the Minnesota seat to a republican. And by the way, referring to Nancy as top man will rile the NOW girls, so…

G: Those union guys never really were impressed one way or the other with Dean's "I have a scream" speech, John. They took him for a phony when he bragged about dumpin' the Episcopalians over that bike path and goin' Congregationalist. Union guys can be pretty religious, especially around election time. By the way, I caught your act on TV at that African-American church, and you need to get Bill's touch for that stuff. Those people stared at you like you were Beelzebub and…

K: Beelzebub? What's he running for, John? Is there something I don't know here?

G: Skip it, John. They probably call him something else in the Catholic Church.

K: You mean he might be a Cardinal or maybe one o' those pedophile-forgiving bishops? Only the devil could do a thing like that…and…

G: You got it, John, the devil…that's…

K: Good gosh, Dick, the last thing I need to do is get on the wrong side of the Pope and the Cardinals…they're already demanding that I don't take communion…think how that plays in Peoria…I gotta lot at stake here. What do the Catholics think of me out your way in the old show-and-tell

G: Not show-and-tell state, John, just the show-me state. I'm a Baptist, anyway, so how'm I supposed to know what the Padres and everyone else out here think about you and the Pope, and the only cardinals I know anything about play in St. Louis, anyway…not to be respectful, of course, but, sheesh…your state passin' that marriage act for homosexuals doesn't put you in much of a good light now…add that buffoon Kennedy in the mix and most anybody from Massachusetts could have a hard…

K: Careful there, Dick, are you using a cell phone? Calling old Ted a buffoon could get the Secret Service…

G: Speaking of the Secret Service, John, did you actually bump into one o' those guys and fall off your skis, or a bike, or whatever it was that…

K: I never fall off my skis, Dick, or off of bikes, either. Those Secret Service guys are a pain…they won't go get my coffee or anything, and I believe that devil Ashcroft has ordered only French and Spanish speakers, besides English, of course, to do their thing on me. Teresa and I spoke in French for a while there, figuring the goons wouldn't understand us, until I called one of them a @#$%&* one day and he accidentally knocked a cup of hot coffee right into my crotch. Teresa didn't speak to me for a week, and I know how that woman who sued McDonald's felt, too.

G: Sorry I brought it up, John. But you gotta admit that having the SS guys around makes you feel…

K: Careful again, Dick. I'm trying to cut a deal with the Germans to get their American cousins to hold bratwurst suppers as fund-raisers, and any mention of something like SS troops is…

G: Sorry again, John. It's just a coincidence, and, frankly, I was thinking of using that term to slice up old Ashcroft and his Patriot Act crazies, but it looks like the polls would make me look bad, instead of him, so…

K: Right, Dick, never go against the polls. When you said Dubya was a miserable failure right when he was obviously so popular…well, need I say more? You really helped me there.

G: Have you decided what you would do about Iraq when you're elected, John? You cooked your goose with a lot o' my guys when you said you voted for war but not for money to fight it. Doesn't make a lot o' sense, you know.

K: Oh, oh…gotta go, Wesley. I hear Teresa coming in, and we're having dinner with the French…

G: The name is Dick, John. Remember…Dick Gephardt…your best friend…

K: Sorry about that, Dick. It's just that Teresa…you know…a woman like that in her sixties…makes a guy…

G: (click)