Kerry's Veep-hunt


It's late evening and Senator Kerry is phoning some likely prospects to see if any of them will fit in as his veep partner in the November election.

K: Hi, John, how're things down there in old Carolina? The old Viet vet here.

Edwards: Whaddaya mean by that down stuff, John. North Carolina is definitely up stuff; we go to the NCAA every year, what with Duke and the Tarheels both heah - oops - here, that is. Gotta watch that accent sometimes, or folks might take me for a southern rube. Does your old Skull-and-Bones tribe ever get to the final four, huh John? Just kiddin', though, John, you ol' river rat…Cong killer, that's you.

K: Say, John, I'm in the process of…as you know…I'm…well…yesterday …no, day before yesterday I thought about asking you to be my man in the second seat in November…no, wait…yeah…then yesterday I changed my mind and figured I'd better…then, today…this morning or just a while ago I…or was it after lunch, I…

Edwards: Did you say second seat, there, John? What's with that second seat stuff? The last time we talked, you mentioned somethin' - er - something about a shared…

K: No, John, you're thinking about that conversation we had with Bill and Hill, and Hill mentioned that co-president stuff they tried back in '91. I didn't say…

Edwards: Well, that's not the way I remember it, John. I distinctly remember you sayin'…saying, that is…that I got dibs on all the east-of-the-Mississippi decisions, except anywhere above the Long Island latitude…

K: We can iron that out any time, John. Mainly, I'm calling to see if you're up on the foreign policy stuff. Would you cut and run in Iraq, for instance?

Edwards: Cut and run? You got a short memory there, Senator. I voted against goin' there, in the first place, while you, o' course, gave the store away to ol' Dubya by votin' to attack the damn place.

K: Yeah, well I voted not to finance the thing, which is the same as voting against it. You're the one with the short memory.

Edwards: My memory ain't - oops - isn't so bad that I can't remember that you voted the first time to send the money, then not to send it, and then got right up and told that to those union meatheads and Limbaugh picked up on it and…

K: Careful there, John. Meatheads is a no-no term…you know, not politically correct, and, anyway, you can't go around calling union guys meatheads…they do the heavy lifting…

Edwards: Yeah, they do the heavy work, and then we shaft 'em, the meatheads, and then they do it all over again…

K: I think I hear Teresa coming in, John. We're speaking French at dinner tonight, so I have to bone up a little. I never make a mistake, of course, just like I never fall off my skis, but I'll get back to you.

Edwards: I'll be waitin'…make that waiting, John, and don't forget…you need a southern guy on the ticket, as well as someone who's up on the NASCAR stuff…you know, a little redneck, beer boozers, the he-man stuff… (click)

Later…

K: Hi there, Wes, just your old soul-mate here…uh Wesley…you there…Wesley, it's me…you know…the old Cong-killer…hey Wes, are you there…

Clark: What the hell! Do you know what time it is, and who did you say this is?

K: It's me, Wesley, your old opponent in New Hampshire…look, Wesley, I know it's kinda late but Teresa and I had a late dinner with the editor of Le Monde and…

Clark: Is that that French crap-sheet that's always calling us Neanderthals and jackasses?

K: Well…yeah, Wesley, but don't be too hard on Le Monde, remember, the French were against the war, just like I was and just like you…

Clark: Are you outta your mind? I was FOR the damn thing, right from the start. Who did you say this is, anyway?

K: It's me…Senator John Kerry, Wes, I'm calling to see what you'd do about the war or the economy or anything…you know, sorta sounding you out for the second seat in November, actually.

Clark: Oh…that Kerry. I shoulda known it wasn't that other Kerrey…he was FOR the war…you know that cat that's the president o' some New York…they put him on that commission when they shoulda picked me…anyway, I was, like you say, actually against that war, even though I said I was for it. Y'see, being against it back then was not too good, according to the polls, so I…

K: Same here, Wes. You truly are a valued soul-mate. Check out the polls and then…of course, I voted not to finance it. I figured I had to do that to get the Nader nuts on my side, although they're so dumb they probably never have figured out…anyway, give me a briefing - same old military stuff, eh Wes, a briefing, got that - give me a briefing on your thoughts.

Clark: Anything specific, Bob?

K: Not Bob, Wes, I'm that other Kerry…remember, John, the senator from…

Clark: Sorry about that, John, and I do know you're still from Massachusetts. Does that irreverent gang of republicans up there still call you Ted the Skinny? (laughter)

K: What do you think about the Iraqi thing, Wes? Didn't you say we oughtta just get the hell out and leave those religious fanatics to butcher each other…sorta like when they jerked you out of NATO for ordering that Brit officer to kill some Russians?

Clark: You trying to be funny, John? In case you didn't know, I was the best thing that ever happened to NATO. The French hated me, of course, but they hate everybody, so that didn't mean anything. The Germans hated me, too, but that was because I said they all talked like they had a mouth full of sour-kraut.

K: About the French and the Germans, Wes, now that you mention them. Don't you think we oughtta get these guys on our side…you know, build a new coalition so we can legitimately go wreck other countries…I mean that cowboy in Washington…

Clark: Watch it, John. That cowboy stuff is a no-no where I'm from, not that we've got many of 'em in Arkansas. It's just that we identify with guys that eat the dust and step in the cow patties and…

K: Okay. Sorry, Wes. I meant no disrespect. I just mean that we need the UN and Chirac…you know, old Europe.

Clark: You may be right, Bob, but you gotta remember that that crooked UN gang has been rakin' millions off the top on that Iraqi oil and France has been shovelin' the greenbacks under the table for years, so…

K: The name is John, Wes, but I gotta go, sorry to interrupt. It's been good to talk about the second seat, and you can be sure I'll remember you, but right now Teresa needs the phone to call one of her off-shore loopholes…strike that, Wes, I never said that…I meant one of her factories in some forsaken place or other. Give Bill and Hill my best when you guys have another soiree to sort out your thinking.

Clark: Soiree?

More later…