Kerry Conference Call - C, S, P!


Conference-call set up by John Kerry in his Boston digs at 2:00 a.m. with Russia's Putin, France's Chirac, and Germany's Schroeder:

K: Good morning, friends, it's two o'clock here, but you're well into your day, I presume. This is your best and sometimes only best friend in the U.S., old Silver Star himself, not to mention the Purp…

C: Do you have any idea what time it is here, my bosom friend?

K: Why, sure, it's…let's see…I know it's daylight…Teresa told me there's a…

C: It's seven a.m., my best friend in America, and I never get to work before eleven. We French are so civilized that…well…you Americans are so…let's say…

S: And it's just eight here, friend John, and I'm taking this call at home, where I was dreaming of…well…whew…never mind…it certainly was not sauerkraut and schnapps…

P: It's barely nine o'clock here, our last best hope for America getting rid of its threat to the world, so, as any good Russian, I've been on the job for three hours already.

S: Just enough time for a few executions, eh, Vladimir! (laughter) Just kidding, old friend…just…

P: If I did not know you for the paper tiger you are, Gerhard, I would be incensed, but I am only amused. (laughter)

K: Gentlemen, let's not get into…let's see…World War I or II…or was it the Crimean…anyway, just kidding.

C: Do you mean by that crack, friend John, to start all that stuff about the Yanks saving our bacon twice in one generation? If you do, I'll just hang up…we French are tired of being ribbed for giving Schroeder's crowd our country in 1940 in exchange for the whole month of August away from the Concentration Camps…we're mad as hell and we…

K: Just a joke there, Jacques…just a joke. Would I be serious about such a serious matter? Wait, maybe that didn't come out just right. I mean…after all, it's okay to joke about something that's not even a part of our obviously more advanced generation than those of the…well, whenever all that stuff was. I know you all understand English well enough to listen, though I presume you have your interpreters…

P: I can understand, but I know you can't even say "no" in Russian, John, even though you do speak French, so what does that tell me about your priorities? You can't even say "good morning" in the most cultured language in the…

C: Watch it there, Vladimir. Even though I concede that culture knows no boundaries in civilized Europe, it is generally recognized that the French are the most cultured…

P: Bah! You have not even the veneer of culture. We have Rachmaninoff, Tschaikovsky…the masters…

S: The masters? I take it, Vladimir, that you've never heard of Beethoven and Wagner and Nietzsche…

K: Friends, friends…let's not beat up on each other like this…can't we all just get along…I mean…

C: Oh, the old "Rodney King" thing there, John…just proves how backward - nothing personal, understand - your country is…imagine beating up a guy like…do you think my staff doesn't read your papers? How do you explain the "O.J. Simpson thing," John? Over here, we wouldn't even have brought him to trial…after all, a man is obliged to guard his honor…

P: Ha, ha…yes, Jacques, even if the guillotine has to be employed…get it, the knife and the beautiful head severed…and…

C: Not funny, Vladimir. Just because Napoleon got frostbite and had to leave before our illustrious…

P: Yes, yes, your illustrious armies, as well as Gerhard's in 1943…frostbite indeed!

K: Friends, friends. I didn't mean to…maybe it IS a bit early and we're all sort of on edge this morning…so let's just cut the kidding and cut to the chase, shall we? Now, I'm calling to get your verification that you'll be sending in not just your troops to Iraq when I'm elected, but supplies and even money. It goes without saying, of course, though I do say it, that I appreciate your help with my campaign to defeat that cowboy from Texas, and you may be sure I'll support you when you…

P: Verification? Is that the same as Reagan's "Trust but verify" crack back when he snookered Gorbahev? Are you saying you want something in writing? Do you not trust the successor to Boris Yeltsin?

K: Not at all, Vlad, not at all. Wait, wait, that didn't come out right. It IS just after two a.m. here, you know. I'm just saying I want you to make a statement to the effect that you'll pour help into Iraq when I'm elected, so that all our people can get home as soon as possible.

C: Friend John, I am on the record as saying I will NOT do that. In fact, old knucklehead de Gaulle wouldn't even furnish troops to NATO forty years ago. How can you expect me to…

K: Look, I'm only asking for a statement. What you do later is your business. I know about your little scheme with Saddam and Kofi and Kofi's son and the oil and the bank vaults and…

C: Watch it there, mon ami. I haven't done anything…as you say…underhanded…and I won't do it again…

S: I knew it, Jacques. You and that butcher and the Ghanaian goof-off that runs the UN - or at least his staff - have been getting all the fat and we've been…

K: My dear friends…surely you understand world affairs well enough to know that I'm your best hope to get that loose cannon out of the White House. All I need is your promise to help, and the hopelessly dumb citizens in this country, who will believe anything, will fall for it. I'll jerk our people out of Iraq tout suite…or is that tout a fait…and then you can all get back to business with whoever grabs the oil in Iraq.

S: You DO know that I was elected through a Hate-Bush campaign, don't you, friend John. Even in Germany it worked. It should work well there. Why should you need any help from us? I've heard of your soccer moms and little old ladies at the slots and the African Americans and the Hispanics…all of them against Bush. You should have no trouble.

P: Ah, you use the French…so I will use the Russian, John…Nyet! I have no dog - in Russia, no bear - in that fight. Just quote them Rodney King and they will be dumb enough to believe.

S: And I must say Nein, John. Do you expect me, almost as much a Bush-hater as Jacques, to be anything but anti-American? You Americans - and you've been in the Senate all those years - have taken nearly all of those dollar-drenched American troops out of Deutschland, and what do you think losing the money of those fools has cost us…huh, John?

K: But, all those phone conversations I told the American people I had had with you.

C, S, P: What phone conversations, John?

K: Okay, you didn't return my calls, but you were just too busy…and…

(click, click, click)