Kerry-Clinton Strategy


It's two a.m. and John Kerry, having tried a number of times for three hours, finally gets through by phone to Bill Clinton to follow up on a Clinton promise to help with campaign strategy for the final week before the election.

C: Who did you say you are? I've been a little under the weather, you know…that heart operation thing…sorry about the three hours, but I've been havin' some o' that phone…never mind.

K: It's John Kerry, Bill, you know, the old Viet victor, the VC exterminator…the Cong bonger, complete with Purple Hearts and Silver…uh oh. (silence) Sorry to hear about the heart thing, Bill, but glad you're up to campaigning, and I'd just like to tell you…tell you that the Viet thing was not all it was cracked up to be…

C: Did our guys do all those things you said they did, John…you know, cut off peoples' ears and shoot old women in the outhouses and drag 'em through the rice paddies and…

K: It was rough there, Bill. I took it for my four months, and it was pure hell…let me tell…

C: I've always admired the way you got outta there, John. I read that book by those guys who were over there…what is it…it's here somewhere…yeah, Unfit for Command…says right in there…I'm looking…you got that last Purple Heart in March that you applied for in December when you had to have a band aid applied to somewhere…how did you wangle that last PH and get outta there? Of course, I managed to dodge the whole thing, so I have to admire anybody who can cut a year's duty down to four months and…

K: Look, Bill, it's a long story and one of these days we'll have lunch and I'll…but right now, we need to see how you can help me win this election. Dubya's out there whipping up all kinds of scary stuff like I wouldn't finish things in Iraq, meaning that all the soccer moms and old codgers and little kids might all die from another attack…

C: You gotta either out-scare him, John, or change the subject, whichever's easiest. Remember that TV commercial old Lyndon Johnson ran in 1964 to scare the hell outta everybody because Goldwater would start the next H-bomb war…you know…the little girl out in the field and the daisies…

K: But I voted for the damn war, Bill, and even made a speech after 9/11 that Saddam had to go…it was all over TV.

C: Yeah, I remember, John…dumbest thing I ever saw…nothin' personal, o' course…so maybe that lets out…wait…you voted against fundin' the thing, didn't you…you know, when Screamin' Howard went all the way goodbye Gertrude anti-war and you and Edwards - how could you ever choose that ambulance-chasin' empty suit - got the message loud and clear and…

K: Maybe you're right, Bill. I could get my ad people on the job…maybe set up another Daisy scene…

C: Yeah…set up a Daisy scene down there by where the World Trade Center used to be…or maybe in an abandoned factory. If you did that, you could connect Bush's warrior mentality with all the jobs lost and kill two birds with one stone. Big mushroom cloud settling behind one of Teresa's mansions, maybe. I understand she's outsourced most of her factories, so you'd have to find…

K: Watch it there, Bill. I know I need you and all that, but…I do need to talk to her about not mentioning anything about workers, though…glad you reminded me. She accused Laura Bush the other day of not ever working and, man, have I ever had to tell my people to keep her at home.

C: I caught your act in the Ohio cornfield on TV, John…bad mistake, even though it did change the subject from Teresa's bonehead…sorry, nothing personal, John. Remember Dukakis and the ride in the tank. Your cornfield scene was about as fake…though ha ha…you did have enough sense not to carry those bloody geese yourself. Where'd you guys get 'em, anyway…and don't tell me you actually shot 'em, either. Nobody in the whole country believes that, especially since nobody saw the actual shooting.

K: That's a secret, Bill. Even though that field was salted…hey, I never said that. The main thing was the people got to see me holding that gun and…

C: You mean like in that movie you staged in Vietnam where you went chargin' off in the jungle after that kid that was shot in the leg and…

K: I don't talk about that, Bill. That kid was a danger to us all. He could have…

C: Hey, I'm not arguin' about that. You already said when you got back that our GIs did terrible things, and that film was the deadeye truth…you chasin' down them kids and old women…

K: Actually, I spent 99.999 percent of my time on the boat, Bill. I didn't do those awful…

C: Well, that's a hell of a note. That was your best proof, and you didn't even play that film for the Senators. I know 'cause I watched those hearings on TV and…

K: You think I was that dumb, Bill? I wasn't about to incriminate me. I was all about incriminating all those other jarheads and grunts…especially all those mealy-mouthed and filthy non-coms. Why…

C: Back to the subject there, John. It's late and I'm expectin' some company anyway…little recovery fun, you know…the definition of is stuff. (laughter) Have you brought up accusin' Bush of killin' Social Security?

K: Yeah, I thought yesterday I would do that…or was it day before yesterday that I decided not to and then…but maybe it was this evening at dinner that I decided to…no, it was when I talked to Dan Rather at noon and he said…and then I said…and then we decided to see if…what was the question again there, Bill?

C: Social Security, John…and it's gettin' later, so.

K: Yeah, that's right. I was right on point…we - Dan and I - wondered if we could get somebody to fix us up a document of some sort that would have the appearance of a memo coming from Karl Rove's office with something like "Kill SS ASAP" on it and initialed by Bush. How about that? Great idea? That Dan's a genius. Right? (silence) You still there, Bill? Bill…

C: John, you're the livin' proof that Massachusetts will send people as dumb as gourds to the Senate and keep 'em there. First, Kennedy, and now you. After all that fake stuff pulled by Rather, you're bein' seen in public with that nutcase? Havin' lunch right out in the public with the best-known liar in the whole world?

K: Well, actually, we had a table back in a very dark corner…okay…maybe it wasn't too good to be seen with…but what do you think of the Rove-memo idea? Man, that would…

C: You try somethin' like that and even I won't be seen with you. Now, about the Philly thing?

K: That's right, Bill, next Monday. Can you make it? They're letting everybody who works for the city take the day off for the biggest rally…but I need somebody to get them to the rally; otherwise, those peons will go fishing or hunting or maybe mugging some little old ladies in the alleys or to the movies…I need somebody like you…you know, the first black president ever. That'll bring them out.

C: I'll check with Senator.

K: Senator who?

C: Just Senator…that's Hillary, you knucklehead. She won't even answer me unless I call her Senator…not Senator Hillary or Senator Clinton…just Senator. Next week, she's making me practice calling her "president." Can you imagine…but she won't even say "hello" unless I…

K: Did you say "president," there, Bill? Why would she do that?

C: Whew! You must be livin' proof that an empty skull won't implode. But, I'll do the Philly thing, John. Been outta the public eye long enough anyway. I'm already workin' on my campaign speech for Philly. Gotta go now…time for a little therapy. (click)

K: Your campaign speech…Bill…Bill…