Dem Strategy 2004-2008


It's late in the evening in a private dining room in one of the classy restaurants in New York City and John Kerry, Howard Dean, John Edwards, and Michael Moore (hereinafter referred to as K, D, E, and M), are sitting around the table discussing plans for the next four years.

M: Well, guys, I did all I could to bring home the bacon…believe me, it's hard enough to get an honest screenplay in the works these days, but getting a gaggle of absolute lies that don't completely contradict each other takes a genius.

E: Yeah, Michael, and you've been laughin' all the way to the bank ever since…but don't get me wrong, you did a great service for the country, sorta like I do for the poor guy…soak the rich companies and get rich in the process…huh, John, except for the Heinz companies, of course. (huge grin)

D: Surely you jest, JE. While you and Michael can still work the system, the old Cong basher and war hero here is…well, here…instead of measuring the White House for new carpets and velvety closets for Teresa's scarves. (raises voice) Why, just think…if John had been elected I might be Secretary of State or even Defense and bringing (still louder) all those troops home and (still louder) getting new bike paths in Vermont and…

K: Cool it, Howard…you're approaching scream mach…you'll be heard all over Manhattan…the campaign's over and I won it without screaming a single time, so just cool it and let's see if we can figure a way to do in the republicans even before 2006, if possible. Besides, the arteries are standing out on your neck and I'm afraid you'll…

D: I'm the doctor here, John, so I'll worry about my arteries, thank you, which in any case are probably the best in this room. My wife's a doctor and she thinks I have great arteries…so…

E: (laughter) Great arteries! (more laughter) My wife thinks I have great…never mind…that probably would upset all the homosexuals anyway…gotta keep all the base in line, and talkin' about normal things upsets those folks.

M: Which reminds me…d'ya think I might do a movie about all the normal things next time…like about not lying and being true to your spouse and hitting the remote button when Rather comes on with his forgeries? (laughter) Imagine going on a major network with that bunch of…damnation…the keystone cops look like geniuses compared to that…

K: You might have something there, Michael. All those exit polls showed that something called values, whatever that means, made folks vote red this time.

M: It might be worth a try, although it would be hard to find a screenwriter in Hollywood who knows what values are…except for enjoying a joint or a shot or a trip to a house of ill repute or a masochistic orgy or a good old-fashioned effigy-burning of Dubya…or even his old man, for that matter. (laughter) That damn fool judge in your state that got all those guys marrying each other and hugging and doing kissee-poo right there in front of the whole world…well…that didn't help…not that I'm against those wackos doing their thing, but…

D: It was those redneck reds in all those southern states that did us in (raises voice)…those Bible-thumping Baptists especially (still louder) that live in trailer parks and drink beer till midnight (still louder) when they slide under the table (still louder)…why, they think values are something you find in the Bible (still louder) when everybody knows that (still louder) we live in a new age when (still louder)…

E: (screams) Knock it off, Howard…you're way past scream mach now, and I hear babies cryin' all over the main dining room out there, scared outta their booties. Three guys from the bar just staggered in and sobered up on the spot. Besides, you didn't help matters by bragging about the way you put it to the Episcopalians on that bike-path thing in Vermont and then deserted them for some other brand…Congregationalists or something, I think. I've got a lotta Baptist friends in North Carolina - the team that goes to the NCAA every year and never sees any Yale Eli's there, JK - and they'd never think of leavin' their denomination…splittin' it maybe, but never leavin' it. That'd be disloyal, doncha know?

D: Oh yeah! Why didn't you carry the vote in your own state then, John? Seems like most of your folks were disloyal to you. (raises fist and voice) At least my state wasn't disloyal to you and (still louder) didn't fall for that two Americas stuff you put out. (still louder) Talk about disloyal…two Americas!…that's disloyal for you (still louder) and…

K: That's enough, Howard, before that awful scream just blows the lights out here. I never promised you State or Defense anyway…maybe Health and Human Services or Transportation…but, State…sheesh…that'd be like putting the fox in charge of the henhouse…no offense, of course, but even the strictest Marine wouldn't salute you when you got off the helicopter on the White House lawn…which reminds me…gotta see if that guy ever found my medals there…or did I throw 'em over the steps at the…or was it the Jefferson Memorial…

M: The last I heard, they're on your office wall, John.

K: Yeah, I remember now…I had somebody find me some more…never mind…I've been away from the office for so long I'd forgotten all about those medals on the wall there. Gotta get back there about the first of the year and spend a coupla days straightening out the Senate before Teresa and I get over to Switzerland and the high ski-country…you know, where the civilized people meet in the winter…my old French buddies…hot cocoa…

E: No Secret Service guys to knock you off your skis there…huh, John. (laughter)

K: Not funny, John, not funny. I never fall off my skis, so he did knock me off, the *%$#*&. If I ever see him again I'll have his derriere slung down a 30-foot razor into a barrel of alcohol…I never was so embarrassed…as bad as Muskie weeping in Manchester that cold day back in…well, whenever it was. Ruined his campaign.

M: The way I see it, guys, is that Hill and Bill are the ones to either watch out for or get behind, whichever means the most…politically, financially - especially financially - moralistically…is that a word…racially, diversity-wise, whatever.

K: Yeah, I had him come down to Philly to get out the vote for me and what did he do? He stole the show, that's what he did, the oily *&^%$#. Now I know why they call him Slick. I had to laugh, though, when I saw Jimmy and Rosalyn and the Bushes caught in that downpour in Little Rock the other day…talk about revenge…man, that library dedication was baptized good old-fashioned Baptist style.

E: Naw, John. If they'd been baptized that way, they woulda been dunked in the river. They just got a good Methodist baptizin' that day. See…that's why the red states reach all the way to the Canadian border and even up to Alaska. In the Midwest and Bible Belt, you're s'posed to know the difference between the Baptists and the Methodists and the Lutherans and the…

D: The last thing we need is a sermon from an ambulance-chasing lawyer, JE, we don't need (voice rising) you to tell us about the denominations, especially since (still louder) the only denominations you care about (still louder) are printed in green and (still louder) fit for stealing from anybody (still louder) you can and…SCREAM…WE'RE GOING ON TO MINNESOTA AND WISCONSIN AND…

(lights explode, traffic stops, babies scream, drunks go on the wagon, police arrive and find K,E, D, and M under table)