Kerry/Edwards Communication?


It is 2:00 a.m. in Boston, and the phone rings at the Kerry house. John answers.

K: This had better be good, McAuliffe, or you're dead meat. Do you know what time it is here at the residence of the winner of three Purple Hearts and…

E: You mean you don't even recognize my voice, John. This is John, not Terry…

K: John…John who? You don't sound like any John I know…wait…no, let me guess…I've heard that voice…you're John McCain…I was hoping you'd call…I need…

E: Not John McCain, John…this is John Edwards, your old runnin' mate from Tarheel country…you know, the celestial gift to the women of the…the guy with the golden hair…the…

K: Good grief! Of course! John Edwards. We met at the convention and took the train ride after that…wait…I'm awake now. You're my second-seat guy, one-half of the fair-haired twins. We make Bush and Cheney look like Laurel and Hardy…no, wait…that's not fair to L and H! (laughter)

E: Yeah, you old Cong-bonger, you…the man with the medals and the ribbons. By the way, did those guys you sent lookin' for those ribbons ever find 'em at the fence down there by the White House where you threw…

K: Not funny, Jim.

E: It's John, John, not Jim. Remember, we have the same first name.

K: Sorry about that…it's still a little cob-webby in my brain…my Skull-and-Bones brain, that is. You know I was an S and B at Yale, don't you, John?

E: Yeah, I heard you were that alright, John. In fact, a lot of folks have told me you were an S and B.

K: Uh…uh…about that name, John. I've been thinking. Do you think it would be too late for you to change your name from John to something else…you know, to sorta make sure we don't get mixed up or anything like that. The republicans are making an awful big thing about wealthy trial lawyers right now, especially those who sue pharmaceuticals and doctors and therefore drive up health costs and…

E: Stop right there, John. Change my name? You gotta be kiddin', old bronze-star bonger. My dad worked in a mill all his life and gave me this name and I'm proud…change it to what, John?

K: Oh, I don't know. Maybe change it to something like Wesley. That would make the Clinton crowd happy…old Wesley was their fair-haired boy there for a while, if you remember, and I gotta cement that support from Bill and Hil. They'd go for that. (hesitation) Or…maybe you could change it to Al and concrete that black support.

E: You gotta still be kiddin' there, you ol' war-protester, you. Uh…did you actually know Jane Fonda? (hesitation) Anyway, we got the black vote sewed up tighter'n Dick's hatband already, and Bill and Hil won't support you, no matter what. How could Hil go for all the marbles with a sittin' democrat president in 2008? Besides, my daddy worked in…

K: You already said that, John. Okay, it was just a thought.

E: Caught you on the news tonight, John. You looked great…been back to the old Botox guy? I notice you took off a few days and…well, I figured the only thing important enough to stop campaignin' for a while would be a little face-lift or tuck or whatever they call what they do. By the way, what do they do? I thought for a while that smile of yours was gonna break your face. Remember how Jimmy Carter practiced smilin' so hard that he threw his jaw outta place…you gotta be careful. Just a suggestion…why don't you have the guy put in a dimple or two? I've heard that a dimple makes the soccer moms go wild. You still look too solemn. Bush is always grinnin'. It helps him, especially when he doesn't know what to say…he just says anything, whether it makes any sense or not, and flashes that grin and the people go bonkers.

K: Look, John. I figure that looking serious is better than…do dimples really make the gals go wild? I'll check that out with Teresa when she gets back. She's checking on one of her plants on one of those forsaken islands or somewhere out there where they out-sourced a bunch of jobs from here to see if the people all have American flags by their machines…figures if anybody takes pictures, the place will look like it's right in the middle of Kalamazoo or some other backwater American town.

E: Well, if they all look like Mexicans or Filipinos or some o' those African dudes, it might look kinda rigged, American flags or not.

K: Yeah. You're probably right. I'll tell her that maybe they ought to get tight on the security and not let anybody…but…well, as you know, John, you don't tell Teresa what to do…I'll just lightly suggest…

E: You were quick on the draw to get after Bush on his new military plans, John. I watched it on TV tonight, but some guy came on and mentioned that you said somethin' completely different three weeks ago.

K: I did?

E: Yeah…you know about bringin' all the troops home and…gettin' 'em outta Iraq and gettin' the Frogs and the Krauts to act like our allies and step in over there to…well…you know…you said you'd met with 'em…you know, back durin' the campaign…

K: Yeah, well…I didn't exactly meet with them, except maybe over the phone…yeah, that's it…I had heart-to-heart talks with Schroeder and…what's that Frenchie's name…Teresa will kill me for forgetting…

E: You mean Chirac, John?

K: I would've thought of it, John…still a little cob-webby…yeah we're just like soul-brothers, John…that's old Europe…you know, the cradle of civilization…

E: Man, you are cob-webby, John. The cradle of civilization was right about where Baghdad is now, accordin' to all the scholars…whew…you claim Paris is the cradle o' civilization and Dubya'll…

K: Teresa said France is the cradle of civilization, but I know better, John…it's just that I'm used to agreeing with her rather than argue, so…

E: Well, anyhow, everybody around here is talkin' about another flip-flop, so I thought I'd warn you, so when you come down to old Tarheel country you won't talk about French anything. Jesse Helms still can pack a political wallop. You saw what he did to old Weld when he wanted that job a while back, and Weld was a republican. Well, Jesse's still a…

K: Uh-oh, gotta go, John. I think Teresa's on the other line and she gets hopping mad if she has to wait. But, thanks for calling…cleared the cob-webs so I won't get into trouble with Teresa.

E: Uh, just a minute, John…you have any idea what I'm supposed to be doin' these days?

K: Just kinda lie low…or lay low…or…is that…no, not lie low…that might sound like you're not telling the truth, John…just stay low…that's it…maybe just sue somebody…no, don't do that…just hang low until this stuff about trial lawyers blows over. (click)