Kerry/Biden/Kennedy/Edwards


The time is two a.m. and the subject at hand is a conference call connecting Senators Kerry, Biden, Kennedy, and former senator, John Edwards, all hereinafter referred to, respectively, as K, B, C (for Chappaquidick), and E.

**K: I don’t know about you guys, but I’m tired of hearing about those ads in college news-rags calling for workers to come forward and – get this – Join the Deaniac Maniacs and Get in Some Fatal Bushwhacks. They even have this stuff on T-shirts, and one idiot at Yale had it tattooed around her navel, so that it shows all the time, since the latest styles allow for that part of the anatomy to….

**C: Aw, what’s wrong with a little political fun, John? Just because you wouldn’t have done that in Skull-and- Bones at Yale…stuffy, stodgy old SBers…we would have had a blast at Harvard with that…and besides, what’s wrong with a little navel-gazing…best advertising…whew…just the thought…

**B: Dean’s cramping our style, Ted, we saw what his college kiddy corps did for him in Iowa, and we don’t need that bunch of juveniles making the actual voters squirm at the thought of listening to Dean’s motor-mouth talk us right out of credibility, not that people can understand what he says most of the time anyway, with that tongue of his tied in the middle and flailing his lips or tonsils at both ends.

**E: Yeah…he goes on Tim Russert and talks about Rush Limbaugh, for cryin’ out loud…when he oughtta be talkin’ about Bush’s no-exit strategy from Palestine…

**K: Palestine, John? Are we in the same world here or…

**E: AARRGGHH!! I been off the campaign trail too long and forget sometimes what’s goin’ on, especially with all those class-action suits I got cookin’. I got a doozey now…against McDonald’s…somethin’ about suin’…I got about 500 fourth-graders ready to go with a slam-dunk obesity suit…man, one of ’em weighs in at 250 and…

**B: Sheesh, John. You sank the ticket last year just by being a trial/malpractice lawyer. The Texas bushwhacker took us to the woodshed on that and…

**E: I sank the ticket? I sank the ticket?

**K: Damn right, John. I should have picked Wesley Clark…or even old Joe Lieberman…why…

**E: You let the swifties sink you, John…why, you couldn’t even remember what country you were in back there in ’68…you didn’t even know the president was…let’s see…

**C: It was Nixon, John.

**B: Yeah…Nixon…well, you ought to remember, Ted old buddy boy…that was the year before your little dunk in the pond…and the little problem it caused and the…by the way, Johnson was still president in ’68.

**C: Low blow, Joe, old buddy boy yourself. Let’s just say that was 20 years before you stole that Irish guy’s speech and had to drop out of the primary for plagiarism…imagine…a U.S. senator cadging…

**K: That’s enough ancient history, you guys. We can cut up each other another day. All of us but you, Ted, are in the race for 2008…right?

**C: What makes you so sure I’m not in the race, John? You and John of the obesity lawsuit here are proven losers from last year. Joe’s a thief of sorts and the papers are still making fun of him for addressing Attorney General Gonzales as “Buddy,” besides which making up that quote from Colin Powell about Bolton – “We’re watching you, Johnny Boy.” Sheesh, I got as much chance as…what about that newspaper headline…I’m still laughing – JOHNNY BOY BUDDY BIDEN BOLDLY BOMBING BOLTON

**B: Not funny, Ted…anyway, you’re too old and the baggage you carry…whew…

**K: I’m no loser, Ted. If all the votes of the dead people in Cleveland hadn’t been…

**E: I’m no loser, either. Why, my daddy worked in a mill and taught me…

**K: The campaign’s over, John…that po’-boy stuff didn’t work anyway. We need to find a way to get rid of Dean…all that talk about all the republicans being evangelical something or other…leaves a bad taste in people’s mouths. I’m Jewish-Catholic and that ought to count for something and…

**C: That makes you Jewish-Christian then, John, unless you think we Catholics are not Christians…

**B: How do you get to be evangelical anyway? I ought to be able to pull that off.

**C: When I was in law school down in Virginia and one of my pals was studying for an exam for me, I let this girl take me to one of those tent meetings and the preacher said to just read Romans…so, Joe, just steal the book of Romans, Joe…right out of the Old Testament, Joe. That’ll do you more good than any Irish speech, even if you’re sober when you give it. (laughter)

**B: I may not be a theologian, Water-Torture-Ducky-Boy-Ted, but even I know that Romans is in the New Testament. You ever read any of it?

**E: We’re gettin’ nowhere with this Bible-talk and breakin’ the Golden Rule in the bargain by carryin’ on like this. We need to get rid o’ Dean before Hillary gets it done and claims all the credit for savin’ the party by doin’ it.

**C: Nah…we need to expose Abu Ghraib and Gitmo and follow the lead of Amnesty International…those poor prisoners not getting their Korans and prayer-mats and goat-ribs or whatever their sacred food is and wearing those awful orange suits and having to get up every day…don’t North Carolina lawyers take any interest in that stuff, John? That’s how to sink Karl Rove and the Bushies…turn on the sentimentality…

**B: Yeah…especially the soccer moms and little old ladies in blue hair go for that mistreatment stuff…but we lawyers can’t get into that, especially in the Senate…folks like to hear about murderers getting a little discomfort now and then…besides, nobody’s even suggesting that we’re beheading the little…

**K: Gimme a break. Abu Ghraib…Gitmo…remember, close to half the voters are men and, truth to tell, they don’t much give a damn if the roof caves in on those devils in Abu Ghraib and the next hurricane blows all the cutthroats at Gitmo over into Fidel’s torture chambers.

**E: Yeah…I don’t much care and the truth is…not a one of us here does. Besides, nobody in his right mind believes A-I or that there’s any real torture goin’ on. Usin’ that stuff about flushin’ the Koran sure backfired on Newsweek…those guys musta got it from Dan Rather, maybe typed on some toilet paper from a Baghdad Al Jazeera dude. Maybe this is the key, though. Let’s agitate – indirectly, of course – for Dean to get on the prisoner-mistreatment thing…even start screamin’ about it. That way, most of the men and at least some of the women will get on his case and the committee’ll have to force ’im out.

**B: Brilliant, John. We’ll put the quietus on the Dean Scream before Hillary knows what hit him…or her! Now what’ll we do about the Gang of 14…and those seven democrat traitors that tore up our filibuster dollhouse?

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