It’s midnight and Senator John Kerry has set up a conference call with State Secretary Clinton and Planet-savior Al Gore, hereinafter referenced as K, C, and G, respectively if not respectfully.
**K: Hi, you two…just thinking last Monday, or maybe it was day before yesterday or maybe it was last evening when Teresa and I were dining by candlelight…I always get brilliant ideas in candlelight – so much like Olde Europe – or maybe it…
**C: Stuff it, John, just like you were for the war before you were against it and…hey, do you know what time it is here? This better be good.
**G: Yeah…I’m right in the middle of a…just a little to the right there, sweetie…ah, that’s better…
**K: Another massage session there, Al? Better watch it, those masseuses sometimes have loose lips that sink more than ships. You oughtta know!
**C: How disgusting! Before I hang up, John, you’d better tell us what…
**K: I was just thinking that since the elections turned the whole country between glorious New England and that heathen land known as California totally republican that we’d better map out a strategy for 2012 – all those governors and state legislatures turning red and the U.S. House even redder – or else we’ll…
**C: meaning that you’re thinking of another try at the brass ring…is that it, John?
**G: Oh…I get it, too, John…little to the left there, Moon-girl…ah…so you’ve got another campaign on your mind and you expect us to help out with our corner on gravitas, like the mainstreamers claimed for that ogre Cheney. Is that it, John? The Big O’s outta the country checking on all the new American jobs he’s created in India and you’re…perish the thought…not back-stabbing him. Hoo-Hah!
**K: No, nothing so crass as that, although your suggestion that I run might be…and STOP laughing!
**G: I made no such suggestion…oh, sorry, sweetheart, I didn’t mean to jump up and throw you against the wall. See what you did, John…shocked me into inconvenient-mode, and that’s the truth.
**C: Well…I hope you didn’t mean what Al just pointed out, John.
**K: Apologies all around, Hillary, big Al. I’m just suggesting that we have a big-time loser on our hands now and we need to…anyway, Hillary, you already said in two or three places overseas that you have no designs on 2012 or 2016, either one.
**C: Well… that was overseas as you mention, John. I haven’t made that statement on Larry King Live, which means it’s not official, just for Malaysian consumption. Nobody in Hoboken or Peoria knows where Malaysia is.
**G: Better watch it there, Hill. That sounds awful racist…lotsa ethnics in Hoboken and Peoria!
**C: Sheesh, Al. YOU don’t know where Malaysia is, either, because there are no polar bears there. I’m just saying that I’m open to being called by my country to make a sacrifice.
**G: Like I’m not, huh? Is that it? Like I’m…ah…much better there…now, dearie, move to the other…
**K: Look, Hillary, I was just taking you at your word. And Al…old friend Al, surely you can’t leave your work at saving the planet…haven’t I conned Lindsey Graham into helping me on the cap-and-trade stuff…your stuff, Al. Surely you see my loyalty to the cause in that.
**C: The cause! What cause? This manmade-climate-change stuff is being ripped apart every day and…
**G: But, Hill, you’ve been in my corner all along…even started making out in the financial end and…
**C: Of course I’m all for that stuff. Ya gotta be…in this day and age with all the Nader-nutcases joining you in the sky-is-falling scare, but people are beginning to catch on. I mean the little people…the little ignoramuses who vote.
**K: Say, Hillary, did you put that New Zealand honcho up to introducing you as PRESIDENT Clinton at your speech in New Zealand the other day? Was that a shot across the bow of the Big O? Or was that a shot? WOW! What nerve! Gotta hand it to you!
**C: Of course not, John. You think I’m that dumb? He was just that dumb, not me.
**G: But it has a nice ring, huh, Hill…a nice ring?
**C: Look, I’m still trying to collect the multi-millions I loaned to my campaign in 2008. It’s hard, what with everyone telling me a State Secretary is small stuff compared to buying a senator or a congressman. Besides that, Bill’s trying to reinterpret the Constitution so he can run again!
**K: Well, we gotta get together on at least one thing or we’re down the drain. It’s Goldfein…he’s making waves about making the run. You saw how he dodged the Big O’s visit to Wisconsin the other day and…
**G: Yeah, but it did him no good…he lost to that Johnson guy anyway…rolled the dice and lost.
**C: It’s Feingold, John, not Goldfein. Sheesh…you’re in the Senate with him everyday and you can’t get his name right? No wonder you lost to the cowboy! Hoo-Hah…both of you lost to the cowboy.
**K: I’ve always had trouble with those Jewish names, seems like they’re always backwards, and I didn’t lose…I never lose or fall off my skis…I just didn’t have enough votes.
**G: He’s the guy to watch all right…ouch…careful there…little farther up…a-a-h-h-h…watch it, John, that sounded awfully politically incorrect…that’s better…o-o-h-h-h…anyway, you’re part Jewish yourself, huh, John, so you oughtta know better.
**C: Russ could be dangerous. Remember how he frothed at the mouth during the Roberts and Alito hearings. I even heard that he and Biden and Schumer were caught baying at the moon one night. He’s got a lot going for him, but old turncoat Arlen was the chairman of that committee, not him. He picked up a lot of support in that hearing, snapping off his questions like a drill sergeant.
**K: Yeah…small problem, though. None of them knew what Roberts was talking about. They’d all been in the Senate so long campaigning 24/7 that they’d never heard of the precedents and didn’t know anything to say but “stare decisis,” no matter what Roberts or Alito said.
**C: Look, I’m on Air Force something-or-other and have no idea where I am but I gotta get some sleep, John, so you and Al argue over which one of you will challenge me. In the meantime, Al, never conduct business during a massage since your grunts are worse than the huge sighs you made in that debate with the cowboy in 2000. Hoo-Hah!!! (click)
**K: You interested in a deal, Al?
**G: Naw…I’m still trying to explain to the world…ouch, little sunburn there…why I left the limousine motor running during my entire speech in some country-or-other the other night to keep the car warm. Tried blaming it on the chauffeur but those Europeans stick together…measured all the carbon I put in the air and printed it in the newspapers. This is a tough old world, John, when a guy can’t stay warm…goodnight. (click)
**K: Now…where did I leave that Nader phone number? (click)