Former president Jimmy Carter is in Pyonyang, North Korea, in order to beg for the release of 31-year-old Aijalon Gomes, who has been convicted of trespassing and a “hostile act.” The following is a transcript of Carter’s meeting with North Korean president/dictator-for-life Kim Jong Il, referenced as C and K, respectively, though not necessarily respectfully.
*K: It’s okay to get up off your knees now, Jimmy…it’s okay if I call you Jimmy…right?
*C: That’s right as rain in Jawgia and Ah’ll just call you Kimmy…okay?
*K: You most certainly may not! You will address me as either Eternal President or Supreme Leader – your call.
*C: Well…it’s good to see you again, Su…could Ah just shorten that to SL…after all, we’ve been good friends since 1994 when Ah came over to set up that world-shakin’ non-nuke treaty for President Clinton and…
*K: (coldly) It will be Supreme Leader or you’re outta here, Jimmy boy, and I never considered you a friend in 1994 and as far as that treaty is concerned…oh, hoo-hah…did I ever slick old Slick on that one…we got nukes out our ears over here. We built them while you guys were sending us free rice to keep the daily workers from starving on the job….hoo-hah…by the way, how’s old Bill? He was here last year to get out Al Gore’s two girls we caught trespassing…h-m-m-m…did they get home without…you know…without…that Monica thing all over?
*C: Ah’m not at liberty to discuss his…well…he was smart enough to beat that rap by hangin’ the whole thing on what is is. He explained the whole thing on Larry King Live, which made it perfectly ironclad. Anyway, why didn’t you let Mr. Gomes go when President Obama told Secretary Clinton to send over those official representatives earlier this month? They came and you sent ’em packin’.
*K: I just love to jerk you Americans around. I told Ms. Clinton that an ex-president would come…or else. Same thing last year! I told all my people the same thing and they’ve been laughing ever since…jerking around the biggest military machine in the world…oh, hoo-hah…double hoo-hah! She even offered Jesse Jackson and I said ‘no way.’
*C: Ah guess the next trespassin’ American can only be sprung if George Bush – our mutual enemy – comes callin’.
*K: Not a chance! That double-dealing Bush wouldn’t talk to me about anything…kept insisting on six-nation tea parties…goons like the Chinese and Russians included, not to mention that turncoat South Korea gang and their rich automobile-factory workers…enough to make me as sick as my starving countrymen…by the way, we need more free rice…with maybe a little gumbo thrown in…or even some barbecue…(sighs)
*C: Ah’ll just speak to Barack about that – Ah’m on a first name basis with the president, doncha know – but he’s on vacation right now and…
*K: Did he take his teleprompter or his wife…oh, hoo-hah…did he actually say “corpse-man” in that speech? He should have nuked that teleprompter technician…I would have had him water-boarded all night and then shot at sunrise.
*C: We progressive democrats don’t believe in torture, Supreme Leader. That evil Bush and even more evil Cheney…they believed in…
*K: With all due respect, Jimmy – and that’s not much…hoo-hah – you progressive democrats would hand over the country to most anybody if…look how Ahmadinejad is jerking you around right now. That cowboy would water-board his best friend if…besides, water-boarding doesn’t even injure, much less kill. I favor better stuff…like 20 volts to the family jewels, if you get my drift. Look what we did to that South Korean ship the other day…bottom of the sea now…oh, hoo-hah…46 dead and, hopefully, still counting!
*C: Well…Ah had to fly commercial instead of on Air Force 2 because of your demands and the service was terrible, besides which, most people didn’t recognize me and one smart aleck kept repeating, ‘Oh Remember Oslo and the Alamo and the hostages of long ago.’ He even sang it to the tune of September Song…terribly embarrassing.
*K: Hey, Jimmy, not to fret. Every time you left your country and degraded it, like in Oslo with that Peace Prize speech – oh, hoo-hah, Peace Prize – I laughed while throwing darts at my new ‘Bush dartboard,’ custom-made with Cheney on the other side. And now the Muslim butchers are jerking around New York – what you call it…the Big Apple? – by building that mosque at Ground Zero. Oh…hoo-hah…wait till those muezzins cut loose with that unearthly whine five times a day…like this…I learned it from Howard Dean TV in 2004…a-a-a-r-r-r-h-h-h-g-g-g-A-A-A-R-R-R-G-G-G-H-H-H-A-A-A-R-R-R-G-G-G-H-H-H – ON TO WISCONSIN! (bodyguards rush in and administer CPR) They (gasping) will stop traffic and scare small children…hoo-hah…and people will get knocked down when they jerk around to face the East.
*C: Ah don’t appreciate that talk about Muslim butchers, Supreme Leader. Ah’m a tolerant man and Ah believe in freedom of religion and all that other First Amendment good stuff. Besides, Khomeini didn’t kill any o’ those hostages back in 1979…or was it ’80…or was it ’81…or…
*K: It was all three, Jimmy…a long time and it would have been a lot longer except for that movie actor that scared the Russkies so bad that they imploded and even pulled out of Afghanistan after only 25,000 dead Russian soldiers…a mere nothing, as wars go…just the hoi poloi, anyway.
*C: Well, they have a right to be there…though Ah don’t have a dog in that fight. That’s Bloomberg’s problem.
*K: What if the Southern Baptists wanted to build a mosque there and broadcast Amazing Grace all over Manhattan five times a day?
*C: Whoa…back up right there…with all due respect…lots of it, o’ course. You’ve gone to meddlin’ now. We’re talkin’ religion here, not Southern Baptists. They didn’t accept my theology back in the day, so that proves they’re not religious. But let’s get back to Mr. Gomes. Ah’d like to leave right away…Rosalyn’s with me this time and she sets the schedule, as usual.
*K: What’s your best offer, Jimmy? I’d like to have California, with all those illegals to work in the rice paddies and not talk back since they’ll never learn Korean…work them 18 hours a day till they starve. Gomes got eight years but I don’t plan on feeding him while my people are still eating grass…so draw your own conclusions.
*C: Ah promise to see Barack as soon as Ah get back and suggest California as a fair trade for Gomes, but you ought to let me take him as far as the Philippines as a sort of guarantee.
*K: Check with me in the morning, Jimmy, and in the meantime chow down on rice in 44 different flavors. That’s all we have…a sort of oriental Baskin-Robbins.