Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde, Howard Dean


It’s just past one a.m. and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde are meeting with Democratic National Chairman Howard Dean, the three hereinafter referred to, respectively if not respectfully, as J, H, and D, in the janitorial-supplies closet located in the basement of the DNC Headquarters in Washington, D.C.

*H: I say, Mr. Dean, do you believe you’re in such danger right here in your capital that you have to meet with consultants in this…this…well…this smelly…

*D: Actually, no, Mr. Hyde…not because of the danger…I mean I’m the most beloved New Englander in this cesspool of a city…it’s just that…ah…your reputation could be a problem for me if it ever got out that…h-m-m-m-m…you see, I met with Dan Rather and Mephistopheles a couple of times and word got out that…well, I’m sure you understand. By the way, people usually call me Doctor Dean or Governor Dean…or…

*J: Or the SCREAM…oh jolly well such a quaint…tell me, Howard…I dislike those snobbery-mongering titles, you know, so I’ll just call you Howard, if you don’t mind…or even if you do…(laughter)…maybe just Howie…and you can just call me Henry. Now, about that scream…could you do it perhaps just once?

*D: Sorry, Dr. … er, Henry, actually the SCREAM© has been copyrighted and not even I’m allowed to do it without permission from my agents. Even as we speak, they have lawsuits in progress in 45 different courts handling cases in which imitators have attempted the SCREAM© for profit or propagandizing, so…

*H: Ah, what a pity…I would have so loved to witness that sort of tonsil trauma…maybe some blood, even…maybe vocal cords lacerated or flung against the wall…there’s a first time for everything, y’know, Governor…just because you got away with it in Iowa doesn’t mean that…

*J: Ahem…Mr. Hyde, I didn’t exactly have that in mind…oh well, never mind. Now, what was it you wanted to talk about, Howard? We have to catch an early flight back to aristocracy…nothing like this hodge-podge melting-pot business we call…egad, former colonies, and still the rightful property of the crown.

*D: For starters, gentlemen, that awful speech the president made the other day at Annapolis has – as the pundits say – energized his base and his poll numbers are up, just when I thought Congressman Murtha had bushwhacked Bush with his marvelous “pull out the troops” speech a few days before. Just let Dubya near a gathering of uniforms and he pulls something like this every time. Even worse…and PLEASE don’t quote me on this…it looks like there’ll be another election in Iraq on the 15th…just when it looked like we were losing Iraq, and that’s bad for the elections next year. We desperately need to lose in Iraq, especially since Hillary supports the war publicly and that could hurt my presidential chances in 2008. Americans love a winner and I’m on the record as hating the war, which the idiots who vote, especially the redneck, hominy-eating, grits-crazed, NRA-gun-nuts in the South, equate with hating winning. I proved I’m a winner when I beat the bejabbers out of the Episcopalians over that bike path thing in Vermont, the only civilized state in the whole country, but the rabid rednecks have too little sophistication to recognize a real victory.

*H: Bloody sad, but it’s so simple Doctor Dean. You just give Defense Secretary Rumsfeld and State Secretary Rice what I call the old Sir Danvers Carew Treatment…ah…I remember it well as I bashed in the old man’s head right there in the lane, although I ruined that perfectly good cane with the heavy knob…egad…I hated to lose that cane. It’s so simple, Governor…I have another heavy-knobbed cane to which you are most welcome…but I insist on getting to watch. (gazes at the ceiling) I can still hear old Carew’s bones cracking…(laughter)

*J: Ahem. Mr. Hyde, that is impossible. Pay no attention, Howard. Mr. Hyde does go on sometimes. What he means is simply that a theoretical bone-crushing of those two worthies would help your cause. Ha, ha. What you need are some documents that would scandalize either or both of them…another way of saying you may need a forger of some skill unless, of course, you know of some dirt and can pull off what would be a Washington coup of immense proportions…but, then, I guess you already would have done that if…

*D: I know of nothing, Dr. …er, Henry. Those two, unlike most of the smoothies in this awful town, are squeaky clean. Rumsfeld stands up at his desk all day and speaks in hopelessly convoluted sentences nobody can decipher, and Rice plays Mozart and speaks Russian…so, they might both be crazy…but…A-A-A-R-R-G-G-H-H…they’re so dull…hey, this is not the SCREAM©, just a slight exercise of the larynx by comparison.

*H: (eyeing a bottle of cleaner containing sulfuric acid) I think I know of a way…the old “acid in your face caper.” Neither would ever appear in public again, therefore losing their clout. (wild laughter)

*J: Please, Edward Hyde…please do not take on so. Actually, Howie, Mr. Hyde was just using pungent language to make the point that making those two lose face before the public would destroy their credibility and therefore their capability. Do you know of anyone who could manufacture their loss of face? (hesitation) If not, may I recommend someone who has offered to help me sink Tony Blair? He’s one of your own. He’s found a document printed on Texas Air National Guard stationery that unmistakably indicates that Blair cheated on his law exams at Oxford. If it hadn’t been for some of those awful bloggers who started comparing printing fonts, we would have had Blair in the tank last May.

*D: You’re talking about Dan Rather, I presume. I’ve had dealings with him, as I mentioned a while ago, though he has strange friends I think I mentioned spending some time with him and Mephistopheles, to whom I did not sell my soul for a favor, I might add…just all the coal beneath our beautiful mountains in Vermont so the fires of hell could be kept going. Unfortunately, we’ve lost a number of skiers since then who have simply vanished…PLEASE…never mention this.

*J: Yes, of course, Howard…your secret is safe with us.

*H: Then there’s the Princess Di Treatment, Guv, your honor…you know…get a Sherman tank sent over and then ram all the official cars on the streets in Washington…(wilder laughter)…you’ll get all sorts of people that way…maybe even the spooks and the bloody Crawford wood-chopper…reminds me of the time I took an armored Rolls-Royce and a hatchet and…

*J: Enough Edward! Look, Howard, Mr. Hyde simply means that you must wreck the careers and capabilities and credibility of the intelligence establishment…those spooks at the CIA…the FBI…the DEA…all the other acronymic entities like the NSC and even the revered SCOTUS…

*D: Which reminds me, gentlemen…I have a real problem with this Alioto nomination, especially after losing out on Chief Justice Roberts and…hey, Mr. Hyde, what ARE you…put down that cleaner…okay, okay…here comes the SCREAM©…AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH…ON TO WATERLOO!!!!!!

*J: EGAD, Mr. Hyde. Now see what you’ve done!

*D: (dialing 911 and spitting out Drano) Will somebody PLEASE get this plumber’s helper out of my ear?