Dear UN-IPCC Scientist(s),
As CEO of the Institute for Modifying All Government Entities (known as IMAGE, for short), I’m writing to avail you of IMAGE services offered to anyone connected to any government/galaxy, directly or indirectly or accusatorily or inferentially or climatically...you get the picture, I’m sure. The recent exposure of e-mails circulating among the IPCC’s top fortune-tellers (little joke there) has caused much if not most of the public – especially that part with reading ability – to be concerned about your veracity, if not your competence. Recognizing the stark impeccability of your statements and writings, I’m contacting you to note some IMAGE services that can help restore the stupid public’s faith in you.
Accusations are being leveled in the nasty and tiny conservative media, especially within the talking-heads communities, that your warnings that the earth is doomed unless the polar bears are saved is completely contrived. The IMAGE agency that can help you with this charge is an academic one called the SOLAR UNIVERSITY for NORMALIZING SPECIOUS PROGNOSTICATIONS on TEMPERATURES, or SUNSPOT, using its acronym, aptly remarked since huge numbers of hopeless scientists with only Ph.d’s have noted that the “sunspot syndrome” has been cooling the planet for the last 10 years or so and that CO2 plays no role whatsoever in global warming, if any, that’s taken place since 1900. SUNSPOT professors are trained in the art of answering questions with questions and questioning answers with answers. In other words, their long-suit is teaching obfuscation rather than outright prevarication, thus affording you murky but respectable deniability in case you should happen upon an unrecognized truth that could be embarrassing.
IPCC folks have been accused of what the accountants call “cooking the books,” except that in your case it’s cooking the models. Redneck conservatism-freaks fondly call it “garbage in, garbage out.” The IMAGE agency that can help in this area is the ASSOCIATION for LABELING GENUINE OZONE READINGS as ERRONEOUS, or ALGORE, for short. Those pesky e-mails are said to indicate that your actual temperature readings were replaced by what the spin-doctors call...well, spin. ALGORE would have protected you in this area by technicians who can prove that a “black hole” in the ozone layer, caused by South Korean A-tests, caused moisture on the Moon and Mars to adversely skew the barometric-pressure-equations in your models, thus necessitating an IPCC correction, which can be understood only by the IPCC and no other entity, making you guys right...or something like that.
In the unlikely likelihood that you may actually and honestly have made a mistake – though merely impossible conjecture – a Plan B is always furnished by ALGORE to have your derriere well-covered through the scheme known as the PREVARICATION OPTIONS for LAMBASTING AUTHENTIC READINGS, known, of course as POLAR. The experts at POLAR devise ways for you to take contradictory data from other sources – especially those you have shut out from the “peer review” protocol – and explain how it means absolutely nothing, is totally inaccurate and politically motivated, is advanced by Rush Limbaugh and therefore mere hatemongering, and judged authentic by Dick Cheney, using evil Halliburton statistics. Thus, if your critics insist that 2 bear molecules + 2 bear molecules do not equal your total of 5 million bear molecules destroyed by General Motors, Chrysler and Exxon, POLAR will teach you how to prove them wrong, especially using a method devised by Bill Clinton, whose brilliance was forever established when he proved that “is” actually isn’t “is.”
The subject of prevarication leads to the next IMAGE agency that will give you help in the very important area of finances – the BUREAU for EARMARKS, AVARICE and RECOMPENSE, known, of course by its acronym, BEAR. Regardless of what anyone thinks about global warming or climate-change, the name of the game is always money. To continue your invaluable work, you must suggest strongly to legislators everywhere that they enact laws throwing money in huge amounts your way. IMAGE actually employs a package for this purpose using the agencies just mentioned and obviously called POLAR-BEAR, an apt title since anthropologists have determined that within the parameters of Al Gore’s An Inconvenient Truth, only four polar bears died – they drowned instead of starving. Thus, in his ability-to-misrepresent vis-a-vis polar bears and cap-and-trade, he has become a self-earmarked billionaire and already has intimate knowledge of how the system works, having been in both the Senate and the vice presidency and various zoos, assuming a difference among them. He has been approached regarding his availability to head POLAR-BEAR since he understands how misrepresentations and payoffs combine to influence legislators.
In closing, may I offer the fact that e-mails never die, though they may fade away some day. Indeed, IMAGE has hacked into UN servers on many occasions, thereby discovering markets for its business, though rednecks in Kentucky have classified IMAGE’s business as blackmail. In any case, please excuse the form-letter used in this correspondence. It was necessary because IMAGE can only guess at those to whom it pertains. Apologies all around for anyone who might be offended!
I.M. Reverself, CEO