Hillary Makeover

Dear Senator/State Secretary Clinton:

In light of the recent uptick in your unfavorable ratings, I’m offering the services as CEO of the Institute for Modifying All Governmental Entities (IMAGE, for short). It's the business of IMAGE to transform a candidate's persona into the opposite of what it's consensually conceived to be, thereby making it acceptable, even grandmotherly, a trait you wisely accentuate these days but sometimes negate by becoming shrill in your speeches and implying that Trey Gowdy is not quite out of the zoo yet. Proving that IMAGE can be effective, President Obama was reelected after dangerously evolving from a hugely popular one-man/one-woman marriage requirement into a two-men anything-goes-whoopee marriage allowance after he availed himself of the advice of the IMAGE agency designed to make perversion normal and titled the Exigent Variances Offsetting Lurid Victimization of Erotic Reverse-Sexers (EVOLVERS, for short). EVOLVERS psychologists helped the president ward off the insults of malicious conservatives who—not with tongue in cheek—accused him of giving the theory of evolution a bad name and insulting even orangutans. They also helped him rationalize and sell same-sex marriage as a fairness thing since it fails as both an intellectual and biological entity.

An IMAGE department that could help you immediately is the Bureau Energizing Nuance, Gregariousness, Hutzpah, Angst and Zen Ideology, known by its acronym, BENGHAZI. This agency is designed to help an individual walk back statements (even those made in the hallowed Rose Garden) so that an outright lie can be turned into a sanctified-verity. When you said “What difference now does it make” in that Congressional hearing, you nuanced a so what attitude, a killer for serious speeches about national defense or a try at empathy with grieving parties. You should not have said “now,” obviously. You didn't help your gregariousness-quotient when you roped the crowds away in that famous (or infamous) march down the street, with bodyguards menacing wannabe intruders into your space. Hutzpah is okay but not in the midst of angst, so you should stop railing against right-to-lifers until you can do so with a smile befitting that of a butcher fashioning the perfect T-Bone. BENGHAZI operatives will help you meditate, acquire the lotus-position and teach you a number of chants that will give you peace of mind even while Bernie Sanders out-polls you and Joe Biden threatens certain bleeping (little joke there) political death. You need BENGHAZI desperately to keep you from mistakes noted herein, not to mention potential miscues such as acknowledging again that you ever knew Blumenthal.

In a recent interview piece on TV (beware talking-heads) concerning false statements, you insisted rather lamely that you, after all, are only human, thus casting aspersions upon people who also consider themselves as “only human” but not outright liars. IMAGE has a section that can help you with the “woe is me” humanity problem. It's called the Regimen for Enabling Awareness of Life, or REAL, for short. When you tried to explain that the huge speaking fees you and Bill accept are necessary because you and he were broke upon leaving the White House and forced to make the sacrifice of speechifying to the great-unwashed hoi polloi for big bucks, sometimes even without teleprompters, you made people snicker since Bill had just collected $3,200,000 in salary over only eight years, without having to pay rent in the bargain. This represented a total unawareness on your part of what life is like for the hoi polloi. These are the people who vote, unfortunately, so you would do well not to insult their intelligence by essentially saying, as Yogi Berra (RIP) might have said, “If you see a fork in the cash-register, take it.” While you petrified your derriere sitting for days on airplanes and dealt with greedy tin-horn dictators and other filthy-rich folks as state secretary at the same time hubby Bill was collecting $45 million in speaking fees here, there, and everywhere from some of those same folks, you lost track of what it's like in Peoria, but the Peorians haven't. They know that “something for nothing” or “free lunch,” or a “free ride” (cliches used for effect that should never be used by a liberal/progressive like you since they smack of dreaded austerity as the inevitable bottom line) is witless, no matter candidate-promises like “two chickens in every pot,” which went out of vogue in the 1936 campaign, since lots of folks didn't even have the pots and resorted to soup lines and the CCC camps.

Along the same lines as REAL, is an IMAGE seminar entitled Governmental Rehabilitation Underlying Bureaucratic Erratic Rhetoric, or GRUBER, for short, named after the champion of the “I'm smarter than everybody” club that meets regularly with the president and UN Ambassador Samantha Powers, when she's not hunting for a new war like the one she, you and Susan Rice cooked up for Libya back in 2011 and suggested successfully that the prexy just skip Congress about it and let you go to the world-government United Nations for permission to bomb the bejesus out of Qaddafi for seven months before he went down fighting. Among other things, GRUBER will help you dispel the cockiness you should not have exhibited at the outset of your campaign when you claimed the time had come for a female president, as if gender is a primary determinant of success. You insulted the women voters when you did that since it was a backhanded way of putting them down for not having accomplished the presidency earlier because their (your) gender was too flawed to successfully grab the big enchilada. You were trying to be politically correct but there are times when such correctness is a synonym for silliness. Though clients hate it, GRUBER is designed to take them down a notch when they think they've “arrived,” like the time in a Congressional hearing when you told then-General David Petraeus to his face that belief had to be suspended when he ventured to speak, then later blamed the Benghazi massacre on a silly 13-minute film about Mohammad...not even remotely true.

Actually, most of the things mentioned thus far have been precipitated by some kind and degree of very loose handling of the truth, if indeed handled at all. As you know, the primary trait ascribed to you by most poll-respondents is that of dishonesty, so you need the IMAGE agency Section Negating Infamous Propaganda Eliciting Revulsion, referenced most often by its acronym SNIPER, to help you understand the penalties accruing to subterfuge, even though prevarication is virtually a way of life in government. When you made up that yarn in New Hampshire (a real tearjerker, by the way) in 2008 about dodging the wicked sniper fire in Bosnia in 1996 by running for your life and dragging your daughter along to safety you simply went too far since the cameras were rolling at that occasion and caught you descending from the plane to be met by the mayor of the city and a little girl handing you a beautiful bouquet. When the people learned the truth almost immediately, they tended to gag and toss their last meal. Since stretching the truth beyond the breaking point is a given even for you—as it is for most candidates—SNIPER will help you fashion falsehoods so that they rival verities from the Oracle at Delphi—wise and substantive beyond even the mildest reproach.

When you began the campaign, you came across as a first-grade teacher being too, too careful to sound authoritative while abiding and enunciating on the level of the kids—talking down—even though most voters think on an adult level. The department of IMAGE that will help with the substance of your already rhetorical excellence—except in kid-mode—is known as the Section for Preventing Erratic Eponymy Concerning Hubris-Led Epigrams Sustaining Silliness, known familiarly as SPEECHLESS. The operatives in SPEECHLESS will coach you into avoiding statements that—with all due respect—make you appear out of contact with reality, such as when you said recently concerning the latest campus massacre that something had to be done to solidify gun-control. Most folks don't like the word control to start with and referencing it vis-a-vis guns spins not only rednecks but nearly everyone else cognizant of Amendment 2 toward membership in the NRA. SPEECHLESS is valuable, also, in advising when speech-making is being overdone, such as evident in the volume of verbosity turned out in places usually far from Washington practically every day by the president that has made him strictly ho-hum. Even Joe Biden and John Boehner—not to mention Justice Ginsburg, who nearly fell out of her chair during the S-O-U declamation—find it hard to stay awake. SPEECHLESS would warn you away from making Planned Parenthood into an eponym of mercy rather than murder. It would have warned you not to extol the virtues of Bashar Assad just weeks before you and the president damned him as a butcher and called for him to get outta Dodge, a terrible epigrammatic mistake. SPEECHLESS would have suggested that you not appear on the late-night talk-shows to absorb ridicule and consequently trivialize your efforts as just plain silly. The agency even advises regarding appearance. For instance, appearing in that awful yellow pants-suit makes you look like a “sedated buttercup” rather than a “raging rose” or “battling begonia.” Also, you might try a business suit occasionally—suit and tie—in order to appear in command of something, rather than on the way to a tea party. Caution! You're not in the league with the female news anchors on TV, who are hired more for their cleavage and thigh than brains, so don't try to look sexy.

In light of your recent insistence that the U.S. (or somebody) must establish a no-fly zone over Syria, you need help from the IMAGE agency known as the Institute for Normalizing Sanity And Negating Inanity, Trivia and Yammering, known as INSANITY, for short. Your fellow debaters on CNN killed you over that weird strategy. Syria is the size of Washington (state, not D.C.), meaning that fighters at 600 mph can fly border-to-border in an hour or less. Imagine fighters from the U.S., Russia and Turkey jammed in that small airspace, the same as flying out of Oregon, Montana, Vancouver and from ships in the Pacific. One miscue and VOILA!...World War III. Shifting your mouth in gear before letting out the clutch on your brain means disaster. You must have been thinking of the alleged Libya no-fly zone in 2011, completed in four days, with virtually no opposition. INSANITY will help you decide which subjects to emphasize and which ones to avoid, like anything about Donald Trump since he gets far more TV exposure for free than you pay for.

Constantly showing your angst in public has made you seem like a spoiled brat always on the verge of banging her fists and feet on the floor and blaming somebody else (usually republicans or some police-chief or racists) for goofing up. The IMAGE arm that will help with this problem is the Agency for Reducing Gnashing of Teeth, known familiarly as ARGOT. ARGOT would have kept you from saying anything about your email problem, which you constantly worsen by blaming the republicans for what was absolutely devious and—with all due respect—dumb as a gourd. Notwithstanding any hacked secrets, the whole server-in-the-basement escapade made it look as if you had something to hide or an agenda to conceal, like selling speeches for more than a million Cs apiece or hiring a hit-man for Joe Biden. ARGOT would have kept you from rising to the bait when the CNN debate opened with a list of your flip-flops, suggesting instead that you simply answer, like the president, that you had evolved into a higher level of understanding, thus putting the ignorant interrogator in his place. Actually, he might have been a Biden-supporter just making you look bad in advance of the possibility of the veep doing unimaginable damage to an unpredictable WOMAN, the cad.

There are many other programs designed by IMAGE to help candidates. Nixon gave IMAGE credit for making him look human. IMAGE technicians helped Carter by perfecting a built-in jaw-mechanism to produce constant smiling. If IMAGE had been given a chance your husband could have been made to look like a choirboy (okay, stretching it a bit) though he would have presented quite a challenge. In any case, think about EVOLVERS, BENGHAZI, REAL, GRUBER, SNIPER, SPEECHLESS, INSANITY, and ARGOT. I can almost guarantee success if you let IMAGE handle your campaign.

I.M. Otherself, CEO

And so it goes.
Jim Clark