Dear President Obama:
There are bunglers in the operation I head, the Institute for Modifying All Governmental Entities, known familiarly as IMAGE, so I feel your pain when inferiors must be disciplined, dismissed, even water-boarded occasionally, though I appreciate your good judgment in being discreet about that. The rumor that you have threatened Axelrod account the assertion in his book that you lied about same-sex marriage in 2008 is, I'm sure, unfounded, since you said in 2012 what you said in Illinois in 1996, to wit, that same-sexing should have its whoopee made legal.
My effort herein is to suggest that you consider heading an arm of IMAGE upon your retirement from the presidency in 2017, assuming you avoid impeachment and conviction by those squirrelly republicans or, heaven forbid, being caught in a crossfire in Chicago or on the practice-green among jealous golfers with handicaps higher than yours. Your recent prayer-breakfast speech—a work of teleprompting that even God must envy—has triggered the need for a new IMAGE agency to be called the Headquarters for Instituting Gregarious Humorous Hegemony Over Relatively Senseless Erudition, to be labeled inevitably by the talk-show lunatics by its acronym HIGH HORSE, though this title is merely coincidental and has nothing to do with that part of your God-informing homily (He may not have noticed) regarding the location of the disreputable proletariat.
HIGH HORSE will develop strategies for avoiding too much seriousness about any subject, such as ISIS decapitations, starving Kurds or date-rape. These things call for consideration, of course, but have existed ever since people evolved from snail darters—little joke there to prove my point that a bit of levity is always in order, else the whole population suffer PTSD of one kind or another. Fox News listeners will be taught through HIGH HORSE, for instance, that the so-called political analysts (mostly lady lawyers in miniskirts) are in the tradition of Jon Stewart...fun and games masquerading as intellect and news...as should be the case.
In the planning as a part of HIGH HORSE is an agency labeled the Societal Laboratory for Acknowledging Vicious Enslavement amidst Righteous Yammering or SLAVERY, for short. You made it clear at the prayer breakfast that folks in the U.S. carried on slavery in the name of Christ, implying that perverse pontificating by preachers sanctified the practice. It will be the business of SLAVERY to put the clerics (especially evangelicals) on notice (especially in Mississippi) that they are racist, bigoted, discriminatory, disingenuous and therefore guilty of verbal hate crimes, with AG Holder on their case. Just as the president has determined that the term “terrorist” be replaced by “man-caused-disaster,” he is signing an executive order that the term “hell” be replaced by “la-la-land” and anyone continuing to mention hell will be prosecuted.
Within SLAVERY is planned the Council on Heretical Rhetoric Invoking Sanctimonious Torpor, or CHRIST, for short. The Rev. Dr. Presidential-Adviser Resident-Tax-Cheat Protest-Organizer/Looter-in-Chief Al Sharpton is being considered for this job since he's a theological heavyweight and can reinterpret the scriptures to indicate that God wants his followers to do absolutely nothing religious, evangelical, prosyletizing or spiritual since to do so causes excitement, especially among the Tea Party gang, which it is rumored will soon organize tee-ins at golf courses, thus embarrassing the president. Sharpton has already prepared a manual entitled “Theological Torpor,” which will also contain a chapter on the glories of same-sex marriage, thus encouraging heresy among the great unwashed Bible-thumpers.
Finally, there will be a sister-agency under your direction as an extra enticement called the Constitutional Reordering of Ugly Sanctions Against Diversity Excellence, or CRUSADE, for short. This working group under your direction will devise ways to essentially neutralize the Bill of Rights, a favorite subject of yours. For instance, you can work to prove that freedom of religion means that Muslims cannot be frisked for suicide vests and that European Christians who fought Saladin were warmongers, not Christ-followers and should have worshiped Allah, with Muhammad as his prophet.
As you often say on your way via Air Force One to the golf course du jour, there's more work to be done. Once out of office, you will have it made in running HIGH HORSE and CRUSADE.
I.M. Otherself, CEO
And so it goes.