How the Grunch Stole Football

Super Bowl VII was played 14 January 1973 in Los Angeles and won by the Miami Dolphins over the Washington Redskins 14-7. Back in those days, the game was played between the champions of the American and National Football Conferences, and Miami was undefeated that year. There was a big flap caused by the unconditional blackout-protocol ordered by the television folks for the location where the game was played. This caused a furor in LA because the tickets were all sold, and finally the powers-that-were relented. The issue rose all the way to the White House. This appeared in the Danville Advocate-Messenger, Danville, Ky., of 02 January 1973.

In the land of the Nattering
Nabobs, effete snobs, and poor
Working slobs, there once were
Weekly Sunday-afternoon Crunch
Festivals called “Mobs out to
Murder Other Mobs for Much Money.”
(otherwise known as professional
football)

Now gobs of mobs of slobs, snobs,
And nabobs gleefully trooped into
The Crunchpits on every Sunday to
Watch the mobbery maneuvering that
Manipulated the muddlers into
Massive masochisms of mobviolence.

But there were mobs of millions and
Millions of mobs who couldn’t hack
It to the Crunchpits on Sunday
Because they lived great distances
From the metropolitan mob madhouses
Known as the Crunchpit Centers.

And so these backcountry crunchfans
Living in the muddy, murky mazes
Outside mainstream mobberyland had
To content themselves with popping
Their peepers on the Sunday crunchaction
By tuning in the miserably marvelous
Mayhem on the trusty boob-tube.

Now this was okay with this boob-
Tube mob, whether they viewed the
Vivid violence at their plush
Pleasant pads or gaped at the gruesome
Grapplers, with their elbows in the
Suds at the bars which TV’ed the
Brawny, brawling bruisers. Besides,
Instant replay gave them a twice or
Thrice slice of the action instead
Of a solitary sight. Also, passionately
Eye-popping the whole magnificent
Menagerie of muscle-mangling was a
Lot cheaper that way.

But the crunchfans living in the crunchpit
Centers who couldn’t hack
It to the weekly Sunday sadism
Showtime because they were victims of
Stadium-seat sellout were also
Victims of boob-tube blackout. Now
This was not okay with this mobberyland
Boob-tube mob. And so they bewailed
Their beef to the Crunch-league
Leaders only to find their bawling and
Bewailing to no availing. It seems
The corporate consensus of the
Crunch-league constituency was that
Great gobs of greenbacks would be
Lost if the blackout on the beefy
Brawling were even briefly barred.

And so this sad state of demoralizing
Undemocratic and dastardly discrimination
Against crunchpit-center citizenry
Went on for years, until one day a rabid
Crunchfan succeeded to the highest office
In the land of the slobs, snobs, and
Nabobs – the office of GRUNCH.

Coincidentally, the new Grunch, whose
Name was Sir Richard the Nixonite, was
The number-one crunchfan of the Capitol
Crunchteam, known as the Thickskins.
Indeed, he was known to give free
Advice to the Skins, but one year they
Had a winning season anyhow. And so
The surprising Skins made the Crunch-
League First Flight Fight Festival,
Popularly known as the Playoffs.

But, alas! Most of the Capitol City
Crunchfan citizens were to be denied
A look at their tough, tireless,
Triumphant Thickskins in action…
Because of the boob-tube blackout!
So distressed at this sad state of
Capitol Crunchery was ticketless
Grunch Richard that he begged the
Crunch High Council to rescind the
Boob-tube blackout. But, alas! His
Pleas were perniciously and perfunctorily
And permanently poohed.

So indignant was grieving Grunch Richard at
This awful affront that, vowing
Righteous revenge, he appeared one
January morning, after the First Flight
Fight Festival Finale, before the
High Councils of government to proclaim
That all crunchpits throughout the
Land would henceforth and forevermore
Be restricted to mumblety-peg tournaments
Only provided, of course, that there be
No boob-tube mumblety-peg blackout.

Thus, it came to pass in the crunchpits
That the only muscles that mattered from
That day forward were the knife-flinging
Finger-flappers and the masticating
Mouth-molar manipulators. The Crunch
Festivals were no more.

And that is how in the land of the nattering
Nabobs, effete snobs, and
Poor working slobs, GRUNCH RICHARD
The NIXONITE stole football. It was
Sort of a crunch by the GRUNCH.