Dear Congressman Grayson:
I’m contacting you account both respect and admiration accruing to your recent statement on the House floor: "I apologize to the dead and their families that we haven't voted sooner to end this holocaust in America." Also, as president of the Serenity-Effecting Agency for Naturalizing Celestial Entities, usually referenced by its acronym SEANCE, I’m suggesting that you consider our services with respect to making contact with, and thus apologizing to, those who’ve gone before and thus realizing peace of mind. It’s our job to recall them, thus the term naturalizing, for dialogue, apologies, suggestions, descriptions of the hereafter, insults to former mothers-in-law, etc.
Since there are different strokes for different folks, SEANCE has a design-department called Customized Options for Recalling Politicians, Saints and Evildoers, known as CORPSE. You mentioned families in your thoughtful apology, so CORPSE could arrange for your visit with a goner to include family members, whether they want to lavish sentimentality or excoriation upon the departed. Sometimes, simple information is the only concern. A recent client applied for a tete-a-tete with Obama’s grandmother to see if in the hereafter she had discovered whether or not she actually was a “typical white person,” as the president noted in Philadelphia last year. A current client is considering recalling former al Qaeda operative al-Zarqawi to discover where the head of his favorite brother-in-law is. Jimmy Carter may apply for a recall of former PLO honcho Yassir Arafat to discover information possibly leading to more Arab money for his museum-operations. We can customize the when, where and who for any meeting you desire, so think it over.
If you shouldn’t desire an actual confrontation, SEANCE has an arm called the Consortium for Hosting All Non-threatening No-bodies in Eternal Latitudes, or CHANNEL, for short. In this venue, just the voice of the departed is available for dialogue, thus negating the possibility of an actual fight with a ghost – a real bummer. State Secretary Clinton used this method for her famous conversations in the White House with Eleanor Roosevelt, since hubby Bill intimated privately that probably neither could stand the sight of the other. Senator Kerry, dodging expected head-thumpings, is considering only dialogue (risking possible hoo-hahs, however) with the departed guards working the White House grounds in 1970-71 to see if they know the location of the medals he threw over the fence in his frenzy of protest. You might score a historic and politically opportune coup by channeling democrat Ponce de Leon to see if he actually discovered your state of Florida, or if, as some claim, it was discovered by a republican from Timbuktu.
In your recall/channeling, you might be averse to even the possibility of acrimony, so SEANCE has an arm designed for only sweetness and light. After all, the dearly departed have undergone changes that are incomprehensible to us and therefore might have unpredictable dispositions, such as formerly gentle folks speaking only in violent bleeps or someone like Hitler reciting the book of Proverbs upon recall. This department is known as Headquarters for Expressing Lament and Love, or HELL, for short. It’s Hell’s job to conduct surveillance on the potential “returner” to discover if a client might encounter a problem, such as a former business partner whipping out a celestial .38-special and instantly increasing the population of the hereafter. In your case, you might be wary of recalling Andrew Jackson for advice, who, as you know, took Florida away from Spain and might think a mere congressman simply too cheeky in bothering him, thus fit to be run over by his now-celestial big white horse, “Sam Patch.”
Since you’re a member of the extremely small group that holds the power of life and death over the populace, you will appreciate the SEANCE department known as the Holistic-office Of Legislative Oligarchs Concerned Asymmetrically by Unresolvable Status Termination, known not surprisingly as simply HOLOCAUST. Since not even in the Civil War were millions slaughtered, you probably used this term in your apology, as any democrat would in a cause his party supports, to refer to the 52 million or so abortions (and affected families) since Roe/Wade was enacted in 1973. Upon occasion, a current lawmaker applies for an audience with a deceased lawmaker or Supreme Court justice who favored the act to inquire as to whether or not the aborted fetus hovers in the hereafter or was actually just the same as a bothersome appendix. Emotional problems seem to have affected some of these lawmakers, as well as some members of the National Organization for Women (NOW) who have applied to SEANCE (usually only for observing deceased partial-birth babies), quite often causing them to have unbalanced, therefore asymmetric worry, about their own responsibility/death.
This being the case, HOLOCAUST has an adjunct feature known as the Council for Assuaging Sadness- Kinetics and Enabling Tenableness, known for short as CASKET. This group deals with many who apply to SEANCE for various audiences with the departed, with the result including feelings of guilt. CASKET works them through their uneven sadness attacks and fear of celestial punishment leading to premature demise, and gives them support as they get on with their lives. If you have lingering questions about health-care under socialism or communism, perhaps you will apply to SEANCE for audiences with Hitler and Stalin, respectively, thus easing your conscience one way or another.
In any case, SEANCE is at your service, and it will be greatly appreciated if you will introduce in the health-care legislation an outlay of a few billion to this vital organization, especially in light of the proposed death-panels. Consulting with those gone before might influence those who insist upon staying alive at undue cost to the taxpayers. As has been said, those who disregard history are bound to repeat it. So, talking things over with those who have already made history just makes good sense.
I.M. Otherworldly, CEO