Memo to Cabinet-rank Secretaries:
Let me be clear from the outset of this document (which I know you’ll save as a memento from one of the five greatest presidents, with an heir one day turning it into cash on Pawn Stars) that I apologize for its generic nature. I would write each of you a note if I had the time but, as you know, I am selling my economic plans directly to the public, which means that I practically live on Air Force One these days, just as I have sacrificially in the interests of preserving OUR legacy for the last four years. Obviously, I am bypassing the Congress, just as I did in order to attack that devil Qaddafi, because it is mired in gridlock and wouldn’t get to the subject at hand for maybe two years.
An awareness of the subject of this note was triggered by the CBS memo recently to the participants in the Grammy Awards orgy (little joke there) having to do with attending the ceremony fully clothed. Actually, the memo was not to the men but to the women, who, justifiably, have been liberated and feel it their right to appear nude if they like…or at least nearly nude. CBS had to pay a fine of $550,000 a few years ago because Janet Jackson showed her considerable wares (do not mention this to Michelle) during the Super Bowl halftime, aired on CBS, so its motivation is not ethically pure but praiseworthy, nevertheless.
Obviously, I am not writing about the matter of nudity and daresay that no one in the Cabinet would even think of nipple-mongering…way too far over the hill (another little joke there). It is the decorum that concerns me. Since the paparazzi and TV crews are on the scene before the Cabinet meetings begin and sometimes even during them, it is especially important to stay awake. VPOTUS was castigated profoundly a while back for sleeping during a State-of-the-Union address, a masterpiece out of which he cheated himself but also reflecting adversely on the entire administration. He said it was no #%$@&*^ big deal but promised to take No-Doze next time. I commended him for having that attitude and expect you all to follow his lead.
Please do not forget your assigned places at the conference table. Milling around makes you look indecisive and that also reflects badly on my leadership. State and Defense are to my left and right, with VPOTUS and the AG directly across. I have thought of making the other seats first-come, first-served but that might induce running in the halls, something not even allowed in the schools. I have noticed some right-and-left head-shaking when I am speaking, even among your staffers, and that must be stopped. People still remember SCOTUS Alioto doing that during a S-o-t-U address a while back and they might have actually concluded that he was right. I will brook no disagreements displayed in meetings since that makes me look bad and, anyhow, I would hate to pop you off with my trusty .38 (another little joke there, Chicago style). Do not—repeat—DO NOT repeat that.
There has been some carelessness lately in the matter of interruptions. It’s bad enough that I haven’t a teleprompter for use in these meetings but that problem is exacerbated when I’m interrupted while dispensing wisdom. So, let me reiterate a rule, to wit, speak only when you are addressed, and PUH…..LEEZE, do not put up your hand—that’s so “may I be excused-ish.” Also, some of your staffers pop their gum and I find that so distracting as to derail my train of thought, sometimes completely wrecking it. This doesn’t indicate that I have only a one-track mind (I can dribble/putt and chew gum at the same time)—only that I’m focused to the point of laser-like concentration.
Some members have been careless in the matter of verbiage. In the last meeting, one of you (you know who you are) used the term “terrorism,” and I take that personally since I made it clear years ago that the term “man-caused disaster” is operative. Also, one of you mentioned George Bush and even though you did so derogatorily I took that as a personal insult and though I haven’t mentioned it to you I expect an apology. Also for obvious reasons, immigration is never to be described as illegal, no matter if applied to an immigrant Cuban serial-killer. After all, the U.S. is a “melting-pot” and certainly doesn’t need any ICE cubes in it (pardon the play-on-words or something like that, but I’m on a roll today—WE WON).
On an unrelated matter, if you decide to say something publicly, run your remarks by Jay Carney, who will give, or not, approval. When I made my glorious attack on Libya and announced it in Brazil, Secretary Gates was in Russia and characterized it as “on the fly,” meaning unplanned or badly planned. Secretary Gates, who had the mistaken notion that the Defense Secretary should have known about it, accepted my upbraiding like a man and promised not do that again. He left Defense soon after, so you are on notice.
Barack Hussein Obama