You may remember that I wrote you some five years ago offering the services of my organization, the Rehabilitation-Equipping of Has-beens for Alternatives Bureau (REHAB, for short), designed to remake personas of people who have fallen on hard times - through no fault of their own, of course - into brand new personas strong and smart enough to energize even Nader’s tree-huggers into fire-bombing the Amazon Forests. You subscribed and have profited greatly, especially financially, but now, after dropping our service a few years ago, have fallen on hard times again and indeed could be sued/bankrupted by the world for causing undue panic, intolerable costs, and general unhappiness vis-a-vis your claim that the world is melting into a sort of goulash whipped up by mostly gluttonous Americans driving cars instead of horses. You definitely need a makeover, not least because the data you used in your inconvenient truths turned out to be ultra-inconvenient lies, notwithstanding that you in your scientific un-expertise probably wouldn’t know a hockey stick from a baseball bat, let alone an isobar.
Since your speeches and other activities have been proven to be suspect, your public exhibitions condescending, even to senators, and your financial empire threatened by your attempt to outwit the inscrutable Chinese on cap-and-trade, you could profit again from the REHAB arm known as the Political Rhetorical Options, Private Activities, Gregarious Antics and Necessary Dealings Actuator (PROPAGANDA, for short). For instance, you shouldn’t have cancelled your Climate Conclusion speech on the last day of the Copenhagen Climate Clambake, but should have retooled it to show that you have purposely misled the world in order to bring the subject out in the open and assuage everyone’s fears that the nutcase scientists, of which you aren’t one, have caused by their blatant attempt to take over all the air-conditioning companies in the world. This is not even to mention the 3,000 folks who have already ponied up $3,600,000 just to shake your hand.
Rahm Emanuel contacted REHAB for help when President Obama called policemen stupid and his ratings took a nosedive, and PROPAGANDA convinced President Obama, in light of his acceptance of the global-warming garbage, not to appear in Copenhagen and warn that the sky is falling before accepting his Nobel Peace Prize in Oslo, as planned. The rumor is that the Oslo intelligentsia hinted that they didn’t need the opprobrium invoked by giving the prize to a ninny, so that also helps explain the change. Before making any further cap-and-trade deals with the Chinese or the Obama administration – this is a freebie suggestion – PROPAGANDA suggests that you sell your private jet, donate your carbon-glut mansion to the SPCA and do a two-year South Pole safari, reading no newspapers while preparing a book on polar bears.
You’re not likely to do this, so perhaps you will profit from help by REHAB’s Institute for Deceptively Innovative Observations of Truth (known, of course by its acronym, IDIOT). In your latest doomsday book, Our Choice, your graphics had the hurricanes spinning in the wrong direction on both the Atlantic and Pacific; Florida almost obliterated; Cuba, Panama, Colombia and Nicaragua completely gone; hurricanes on the Equator, an impossibility; the North Pole completely gone with the South Pole intact, meaning that warming was not global and that hurricanes are too dumb to know where they belong. IDIOT would have never let that happen. Indeed, since Cuba’s mountain is over 6,500 feet high, you should have obliterated all of the U.S. both east and west of the Rockies. Instead, IDIOT would have taken the false data from the IPCC guys – the same stuff you used for An Inconvenient Truth and Our Choice – and proved that broccoli would be growing at the North Pole, polar bears hibernating in the Smokies, and bathing beauties populating the beaches in Greenland, just normal stuff with the kind of global warming you project. You need IDIOT.
Finally, you’ve exhibited the usual liberal weakness when confronted with truth. You’ve retreated from Copenhagen at the very time you could have wreaked havoc with the UN and its insipid IPCC, both institutions having as a prime objective the scandalizing of the United States while at the same time milking it for all it’s worth. REHAB’s Bureau for Activating Condemnatory Kitsch and Blackballing Outrageous Nationalistic Elites (called BACKBONE, for short) could have helped you man up and tell those parasites that CO2 is harmless, coal is beautiful, and SUVs are not tools of Satan. By opting out, you’ve admitted guilt, which is exactly the trip that the Chinese and Indians and Russians always try to lay on the U.S. It didn’t help, either, that you acceded to the little toad’s condition that he would give up those two girls in your outfit, who got lost hunting for a McDonalds in North Korea, only to Bill Clinton. You should have manned up and made Obama insist that only you or Jimmy Carter would be acceptable.
In the meantime, here’s another freebie. Since the “hockey stick” theory has been thoroughly discredited, you should get your advisers together and instruct them to create the proper implement for describing the global warming/cooling cycle since the year 1000, especially taking in the unusually warm years of the Medieval period, which had much warmer temperatures than the current global temperatures without benefit of any significant fossil-fuel emissions from anywhere. It probably would be an inverted boomerang slightly warped with the long (hot) end at the year 1150. Then, you can write another book, perhaps entitled something like No Choice Needed.
I.M Newself, CEO