From the office of Governor Tim Kaine, convener, 28 January 2010
***Just getting in under the wire with this first memo of the New Year! Much has happened since the last memo, not least among which is the charge by conservative dinosaurs that Rahm Emanuel is responsible for the accelerator problem that causes Toyota vehicles to run people into other people, trucks, ponds, houses, fire hydrants (like Tiger Woods), etc. The wag who put up the poster on my door with FORD and T*O#Y~O^T+A printed on it and the phrase “One Down & One To Go” will be severely disciplined. POTUS absolutely has NOT targeted either company for bankruptcy and Emanuel has sworn in an affidavit to the effect that he never heard of either company and that not even the dead voters in Chicago would be caught dead driving a Camry or one of those cop-cars.
***Please be advised that POTUS, during his recent interview with Diane Sawyer, did not blame Congress for his problems but merely indicated that it was loony-tunes at times (especially since last January), something that is universally known to be true. The official line in the party remains that Bush, Cheney and Halliburton are responsible for the downturn and that Attorney General Holder is looking into the matter, the IRS is investigating all three, and Michael Moore is planning a movie tentatively entitled The Three Racketeers, hopefully starring Alec Baldwin as a conscientious clergyman enduring the sacrifice of expatriation to escape this corrupt nation. POTUS pressperson Robert Glibs (okay, Gibbs – little joke there) will make a cameo appearance and will answer two questions, accounting for two-thirds of the length of the movie.
***Please note that POTUS was not reduced to even a tear, much less actual weeping, during the above mentioned interview, despite Sawyer’s mournful look and obvious attempt to make him cry. He has been coached by Weather Underground guru Bill Ayers, who once threw a stick of dynamite at his grandmother, on the art of being stone-faced even if asked about the soldiers he’s sending to Afghanistan. Letters have been sent to Sawyer, Katie Couric, Barbara Walters and Oprah to let them know that their efforts to make him appear more “understanding,” thus satisfying NOW and the Girl Scouts, will be useless. However, the rumor that his teleprompters cue him as to when to laugh, look serious, smirk, compare republicans to macacas, and wait for applause is untrue.
***The nasty rumor around the the bottled-water keg and non-trans-fat, non-hamburger (eating grease okay if Senator Biden does), non-hotdog, non-dairy-product-of-any-kind, non-chocolate, non-smoking (smoking okay if Obama lights up), veggie-fortified, yogurt-enhanced snack-bar and body-mass-chart, carbon-cap-graph, endangered-species-obituary-wall-chart, blue/red-state-map, and Bush-dart-board that POTUS hexed the unbeaten University of Kentucky basketball team on the 26th by phoning the team in South Carolina (had won only two of five conference games) to congratulate it on raising a million bucks for Haiti via telethon will not go unpunished when the perpetrator is found. The UK loss occurred simply because of lack of sufficient points to win. The president’s help on two occasions in Copenhagen and one each in Virginia, New Jersey and Massachusetts did not lead to defeats, only rear-guard actions to keep the margins fairly close. Without his help, Massachusetts would have given the seat to an orangutan, for instance.
***The fact that POTUS announced his support for the New Orleans Saints in the Super Bowl had nothing to do with the recent suicides of two well-known odds-makers in Las Vegas and the rumor that there are prayer meetings and voodoo exercises and Bible-Studies and chicken-beheadings every night throughout Louisiana. Also, the staffer who put that silly rendition of When the Saints Go Marching OUT on the PA system has already been sent to Venezuela, on the recommendation of Czar Holdren (huge Chavez fan), to observe the next election without even a machete.
***The fact that special envoys to Pakistan and the Middle East Richard Holbrooke and George Mitchell, respectively, have not been seen or heard from lately doesn’t mean they’re not on the job. Holbrooke has been busy counting his money between sessions with Pakistani officials and Mitchell has been reopening his “Baseball Steroids” investigation in light of the recent admission by Mark McGuire that he did use drugs but felt the need to confess, especially since the Cards wanted to hire him as hitting coach. The bats he uses will be reinforced with steel rods but the players will use traditional bats and be taught how to use their Redman output to good advantage before stepping into the batter’s box, although squirting a stream in the ump’s eyes will be an automatic heave-ho.
***Recognizing that some students recently graduated from colleges and universities and now on staff have never heard of either Haiti or FEMA, please be advised that Haiti is not a state and that FEMA applies only to this country. This is not to say that all available help should not be given to Haiti, only that such comes under the rubric of the State Department and is called Foreign Aid. Also, a staffer was heard to use the term “terrorism” the other day. This is a no-no, as Homeland Security Secretary Napolitano has explained. The proper term is man-caused disaster. Terrorism is so...well, gauche-sounding...the same as using break-in instead of the more refined and acceptable home-invasion. Secretary Napolitano is also examining other terms for adjustment. An example would be that someone who is murdered would simply be breath-challenged by a man-caused disaster. This may sound like chauvinism in reverse, but, after all, this administration is effecting CHANGE!
***Finally, teleprompter technicians are needed. POTUS has made so many speeches since 2006, especially during 2009 and even while reading to first-graders, that his word-machines are in considerable need of revamping. In a recent school-session, his knees kept obscuring his teleprompter-view as he sat in one of those little chairs and he had the three little pigs blowing away Humpty Dumpty. He even said “Pea Hittle Thrigs” once, and that upset the children. Applications can be made to Robert Gibbs.
***Please be advised that VPOTUS was not dozing during the POTUS state-of-the-union speech and that Speaker Pelosi did not break either her face or any vertebra in all the jumping up and down. VPOTUS has explained that he was resting his eyes after a hard day’s work watching the Geithner hearing in the House and the Speaker has explained that she often has a lopsided grin when experiencing a rhapsody. Also, the NBC building did not experience earthquake tremors during the speech. The shaking was due to inordinate leg-tingling by prominent democratic propagandist Chris Matthews, who also said he forgot that POTUS was black during the speech, but claims he was not asleep, just bathing in an aura of ecstasy.