DNC Memorandum #9

From the Office of the ChairWOMAN, 19 May 2012

***LISTEN UP! Unfortunately, the conservative-media Neanderthals have noted lately that POTUS had a thing for white women (probably not “typical white persons” like his grandmother but proof that POTUS was not prejudiced – little joke there) when he was a New York resident, before heading for Chicago and hooking up with the Bill Ayers crowd (no pun intended), thus fornicating on a daily basis since marriage was never an issue. The ladies had enough money for protection, unlike poor Sandra Fluke, whom POTUS called and agreed that government should add condom-care to Obama-care the better to forestall pregnancy, another name for assault and battery by males. Discuss this freely in town-hall meetings in San Francisco but deny that it ever happened when canvassing in the South since fornicating is frowned upon there, not that it isn’t common…just not talked about. The rumor that FLOTUS threatened POTUS to within an inch of his life over this is untrue and FLOTUS has said she will not do it again.

***Be aware of the fact that POTUS has okayed the visa of POC Raoul Castro’s daughter, Mariela, to come to the States and agitate for homosexual marriage. Since POTUS has said homosexuals should be married to each other if so inclined, plan rallies with mock homosexual weddings featuring receptions with rhumba-bands and rum-colas instead of punch-bowls. Be careful with the rum-colas, however, since drunken grooms might get into a real fight and cause a scene (Obama has said cops act stupidly so they might embarrassingly arrive), whereas in a heterosexual marriage a drunken groom usually just mumbles or passes out but does not attack his bride, whether or not she’s drunk, too. Ms. Castro will attend conferences in San Francisco (where else?) and Washington, sometimes known as the snake-pit on the Potomac.

***If someone in a rally mentions the Rev. Dr. Jeremiah Wright, act as if you never heard of him. If you are caught in that subterfuge (lies are permissible, even desired, in campaigns), claim that Wright is bad-mouthing POTUS because he’s tired of being under the bus and if not allowed to give the invocation soon in some convocation or other has threatened to get even by talking about that $150,000 bribe-offer in 2008 for not preaching until after the election. In this connection, there will be a seminar at headquarters soon on the finer points of spinning a lie. It will be led by VPOTUS, whose plagiarism that distinguished him in 1988 and recent claim that “jobs” is a three-letter word make him eminently credible. He will be aided by Senator Durbin, who is still spinning his remarks concerning American GIs, to wit, that they compare favorably with Stalin’s keepers of the Gulags, Hitler’s storm-troopers, and Pol Pot’s keepers of the Cambodian killing fields, all of which involved 60-70 million murders or so…but who’s counting anyway? Homeland Security Chief Napolitano is still spinning her warning to citizens a while back to beware of GIs returning from Iraq and Afghanistan account they might go on rampages at any time and become “man-caused disasters,” her definition of terrorists.

***Say as little as possible about former president Clinton’s current effort to have State Secretary Clinton replace VPOTUS on the ticket in November. Even though she’s a soul-sister to POTUS, she would likely completely bankrupt the country in a year. It’s already in bankruptcy but POTUS, busy as a bee on Air Force One every day, hasn’t noticed yet. Bill misses the nooks and crannies in the White House that are perfect spots for homo-eroticism like oral sex with young girls and encrypted telephone lines for phone-sex, something he should have thought about back in the arcane 90s. This partly explains the recent peccadilloes of the Secret Service in Colombia, who understood that the “anything goes” rule was in operation for everyone on Bill’s trips anywhere, even to the bathroom, and haven’t readjusted yet.

***Help people understand that the “domestic drone” operation is not eavesdropping on innocent citizens since there are security cameras everywhere these days such as in all stores and on their humongous parking-lots/garages, on many street-corners, and in high-school bathrooms, which are also equipped with smoke- and hidden metal-detectors. Remind voters that POTUS called for a national police force in the 2008 campaign that would be comparable to the size and scope of the military. This hasn’t happened because bailing out the banks, signing the Stimulus, and bankrupting General Motors and Chrysler sucked the energy out of the financing. Upon reelection, this issue will be on the front-burner, with Mao’s China, Kim Il Un’s North Korea, and Hitler’s Germany as paradigms, though terms such as Gestapo and KGB are not to be used.

***As you know, the theme of the POTUS campaign is FORWARD! The wag whose poster GREAT LEAP FORWARD was mysteriously pinned on the wall next to the George Bush dart-board along with a picture of 30 million Chinese bungee-thumpers will be disciplined by having to write an essay on why Mao’s plan failed…700 million people dispatched to 27,000 communes, where the thumpers starved or got trampled. There aren’t half that many people in the U.S. and POTUS’s plan for the National Police Force is said to require relocation for only republicans anyway, where they will mostly turn wheat and corn into ethane…or methane…or whatever thane works. On calm days, they will also pedal the energy producing windmills to keep them turning and shine bright lights on solar panels on cloudy days.

***Materials are being designed as public-school handouts encouraging youngsters to report any tires that seem to be under-inflated, even if the tires are on the family car; traditional light-bulbs even if on in-house lamps; and any food that tastes too salty even if straight from the family grill or the school lunchroom. Youngsters turning in the most reports will receive plaques signed by FLOTUS, provided the reporters have the proper body-mass indexes. Pictures must accompany each report so the proper determination can be made. This does not constitute BMI-discrimination because POTUS has said it doesn’t and POTUS is a Constitutional expert by his own admission.

*** In his recent West Virginia speech, the Rev. Dr. Wright claimed that SCOTUS Justice Clarence Thomas worships “some other god” but didn’t say which one, so there’s been a request, as noted in Memorandum #8, from the White House for a red/yellow/black/white paper outlining all the possibilities, the better to smear him into retirement. None has been received, so redouble your efforts and if at all possible prove that he’s a soul-brother to Major Hasan, the Fort Hood man-caused disaster, and deifies Allah. That should also make HS Chief Napolitano happy.