DNC Memorandum #8

[From the office of Just-plain-citizen-convener SCREAM©]

***You will notice the new title in the above. It is the latest in the ongoing effort to display the democratic approach to everyone in the party apparatus, i.e., that everyone is to be considered on the same level in every area of existence as everyone else and that everyone is considered to be playing on a level field at all times and that no one may be considered superior to anyone else, not even physicians from Vermont, never mind how hard that is to imagine. In DNC Memorandum #5, the title was “Care-giver/Facilitator,” and in DNC Memorandum #6, the title was “Chair/Doctor.” In DNC Memorandum #7, the title was “Just-plain-citizen-convener Howard Dean.” By checking back through your DNC memoranda, you will notice the reasons given for each change. You will notice that the Chair’s name in the above [Howard Dean, for those who wonder where the named has been the last couple of weeks] has been dropped from the title, though the party’s objective remains the same, that all democrats will arrive at and maintain the lowest common denominator of existence and importance, thereby achieving a collective anonymity wherein no one stands out from the crowd. It was felt by the faculty Senate at Antioch College that a proper name in a title represented the placing of someone on a pedestal and, therefore, should not be used, especially if not the name of an Antioch professor. However, the faculty, recognized as one of the most diversity-aware and multiculturally correct in the nation, agreed that some form of recognition for purposes of the record should be used to remark the identity of the Chair, agreed that the term would have to be instantly recognizable, and that the term most recognizable for the current Chair would be Scream, for obvious reasons. Since the Chair has copyrighted the best-known and most recognizable expression in the nation, the Chair has fulfilled the legal copyright requirements by inserting the term properly, thus the use of SCREAM©. Suggestions as to bettering the title so that anonymity may be even more notably accomplished are welcome and anyone is encouraged to contact the office. Note: The anonymous staffer who recently mailed to this office a memo addressed to the “DNC Gulag, %Oberst Lieutnant Reichard Durbinkhofer” will be fired on the spot when apprehended, and should consider him/herself lucky that duels have been constitutionally prohibited, according to Senator Durbin.

***It is hoped that that all staffers noticed the degree of animosity exhibited by Senators Schumer and Durbin in their press conferences immediately following the president’s grandstanding, nationwide nominating of John Roberts to the Supreme Court. To properly be acclimated to this mindset, staffers are to report to headquarters at a time to be announced soon for a seminar on the general subject, “Snarling, Sneering, Jeering, Jawing, Huffing and Puffing for Effect in Applying the Will of the People.” The two senators gave a marvelous example of this approach and will therefore be available as facilitators at the seminar. Senator Schumer has suggested, however, that no one be encouraged to froth at the mouth, as he did in his press opportunity, since frothing has been known to cause instant suffocation if not handled correctly. Schumer, after months of preparation and practice, has refined this technique, having become interested in it while studying vampires and visiting with Fidel Castro. A word of caution: If you try frothing, do not let the froth stop up the microphones, and, if making a speech, be careful not to offend the first few rows.

***It has come to my attention that some staffers have been snickering in their cubicles and around the water fountain about Senator Durbin’s performance – okay, non-performance, as some would have it – on Meet the Press last Sunday. While it’s true that he admitted reversing himself entirely – yes, 180 degrees to the rear – on the subject of abortion while he’s been in the Congress, changing from rabid pro-life to even more rabid pro-death, he has put out a suitable disclaimer concerning his remarks, explaining that Moderator Tim Russert engaged in entrapment by asking him a direct question to which he was forced to give a direct answer, and that the proper complaint has been lodged with NBC-TV. It has been suggested that Katie Couric or Barbara Walters do all interviews with the senator henceforth, but that each must promise to refrain from trying to get him to cry or asking what kind of tree he would prefer to be if he were not a senator, since that would not only constitute a direct question but would also be discriminatory regarding all other trees, thus alienating GreenPeace members, whose votes are always needed. To his credit, the senator apologized again for labeling American GIs the same as Nazi Storm-troopers, though he was careful not to say he was wrong. Everyone is encouraged to study the senator’s technique in the area of the proper way to apologize and criticize at the same time.

***Though only a rumor at this point, it has been somewhat verified that Dan Rather may soon present some documents damning to SCOTUS nominee John Roberts. Rather may have stumbled on some memoranda prepared by Roberts when he was a law clerk for Chief Justice Rehnquist a number of years ago and having to do with a case involving left-handed baseball players. A suit was brought by two lefties who had been cut by a National League team that retained only one left-handed player as a result, meaning the remaining leftie comprised only four percent of the team while the number of lefties in the general population stood at between 10 and 13 percent. Roberts is reported to have opined that team owners had a duty to the public to hire only the best players, even if they had no hands at all. If this is true, Roberts favored/favors discriminating against left-handers, a significant segment of the population; nullifying affirmative action, thus destroying the sacrosanct quota requirement in hiring; refused to recognize the need for left-handed monkey-wrenches; and ignored the First Amendment provision regarding free speech, since one always makes some sort of statement when one does anything with either hand, especially in the employment of an obscene gesture or simply applauding a speaker. Also, Rather may have found a document noting that Roberts didn’t report to Rehnquist for a six-month period in 1980-81 and was therefore judicially AWOL. Rather has two investigators examining all old word-processors from the SCOTUS chambers of those years, one of which may have come as surplus from the Texas Air National Guard and is therefore, ipso facto, credible. Further word is forthcoming.

***As you know, previous memoranda, with the exception of Memorandum #7, have been printed in red ink to constantly remind everyone of the mortal enemy, the inhabitants of the red states. However, in deference to Senator Durbin’s courageous likening of the American troops at Guantanamo to the keepers of the Soviet (red state) Gulags, the ink this time is in black, also to indicate mourning and empathy for the patriots held at Guantanamo simply because in being part of the murdering of 3,000 Americans on 9/11 they were simply making an understandable statement. Notwithstanding Karl Rove’s recent insensitive comments, they deserve therapy, lawyers, their own mosque with rugs having Velcro linings and signs pointing to the East for prayer-time, water-resistant Korans, and a daily ration of goat-ribs. For reasons of safety, however, do not – REPEAT – do not demonstrate or even make statements regarding this matter, especially south of the Mason-Dixon line.