From the office of Governor Tim Kaine, convener, 31 December 2009
***This obviously is the last of the memos for 2009 (for the Muslim, Chinese and San Francisco democrats who use different timelines) and begins with big congratulations for a great year of democrats running the government as well as General Motors, Chrysler, AIG, GMAC, Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. These entities have gone happily into bankruptcy, which has been the plan all along, though Ford and Toyota have escaped thus far. Plans are underway by Rahm Emanuel to see that these companies soon follow, though the rumor that he has arranged for the sabotage of their engines is untrue and he has said he wouldn’t do this again. As per administration instructions, all bonuses to all fat cats are still operative and Wall Street is being considered as the 51st state, though the president is considering Cuba for that honor, since Guantanamo would then be part of the U.S. and he could legally renege on his promise to close it.
***Be looking forward to the trials in New York of the “Gitmo Four.”...or Five...who’s counting? Do not – REPEAT – do NOT mention the fact that the president and attorney general have already pronounced them guilty. To some, this might appear to prejudice the proceedings and require a verdict of “innocent,” but the rumor that this is precisely what is intended is false and Mr. Holder, who arranged for that infamous pardon, has said he will not pass judgment again. Also, do not mention that Obama was born into Islam and spent the first ten years of his life in Islamic households. The rumor that a minaret is to be constructed among the antennae on the White House Roof is malicious/untrue. It was to be constructed at Camp David, with stimulus funds, but the plan is on hold.
***Mean republicans are blaming the “skivvies-bomber” episode on the Christmas Day Delta flight from Amsterdam on DHS Secretary Napolitano and actually bringing up the “Katrina Affair” with respect to democrat complaints in 2005 concerning FEMA and Bush/Brown/Chertoff. This is unfair since there was no hurricane during that flight and the mayor of Detroit did not need to get all nursing-home patients out of town on school buses. Also, the Michigan governor did not need to call out the National Guard. In other words, New Orleans Mayor Nagin and former Louisiana governor Blanco were not involved in order to enhance the chaos. As soon as his crotch-area is healed, the bomber will appear in court to explain why his actions were necessary, and Bill Moyers will invite him on PBS-TV to do the same. Staffers are warned not to show pity, except, of course, about the bad burns. Also, suggesting a good water-boarding might be good to help with the skivvies-challenged bomber’s pain as well as loosening his tongue a bit is a no-no.
***The rumor that POTUS read his Oslo speech from a virus-infected teleprompter is untrue, though he had no intention of upsetting the audience at his Nobel Peace-Award ceremony by suggesting that there are some bad people in the world and that sometimes they must be terminated. This was necessary since POTUS is sending 30,000 more GIs to Afghanistan to kill bad people, though all emphasis is to be placed on the troops’ humanitarian efforts, not their efficient use of the latest rifle. POTUS actually feels that killing people is bad and that water-boarding, which neither kills nor injures, is worse...or something like that.
***The poster picturing POTUS with an icicle hanging from his nose and entitled The Copenhagen Kid placed some time after midnight at the bottled-water keg and non-trans-fat, non-hamburger (eating grease okay if Senator Biden does), non-hotdog, non-dairy-product-of-any-kind, non-chocolate, non-smoking (smoking okay if Obama lights up), veggie-fortified, yogurt-enhanced snack-bar and body-mass-chart, carbon-cap-graph, endangered-species-obituary-wall-chart, blue/red-state-map, and Bush-dart-board has been removed. The staffer who placed it there will be disciplined when he is found, probably by sending him to Iceland without an overcoat, notwithstanding that Al Gore has said Iceland-ice might melt this winter and submerge its own country.
***More to the point, POTUS can’t be blamed for the Olympics going to Rio since Al Gore has said the games might be canceled there account of undue tropical heat, with Chicago the logical alternate. This is typical Chicago politics. POTUS remains committed to cap-and-trade and all staffers are directed to never – that’s NEVER – mention that the earth has been cooling since the 1990s and that the UN-IPCC Global-Warming Commission has been harmed by the discoveries that its main honchos have been lying through their teeth...or their models...or their computers...or whatever. Meanwhile, no staffer is to travel to Copenhagen in the next decade. State Secretary Clinton has just channeled Eleanor Roosevelt again and discovered that Copenhagen is bad magic.
***Please be advised that Major Nasan, the shooter at the Ft. Hood massacre, has been diagnosed by film-maker Michael Moore as suffering from PPTSD (Pre-Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder), a new emotional problem encountered account of pre-deployment unease. Mr. Moore is planning a new movie to deal with this problem tentatively titled Multiple-Assassination as Therapy, with the sub-title America Fails Its Own. It will feature an officer so driven to emotional trauma by corrupt/racist/religionist America that he can be healed only through killing GIs, but also so pure-in-heart that he killed only thirteen. It should be a blockbuster. Moore plans to cast an Iranian in the lead, tentatively an Ahmadinejad look-alike.
***The rumor that POTUS delayed making a statement for three days about the recent terrorist attack by the “skivvies-bomber” was because no teleprompter was available and one had to be ordered from Washington is false. Hawaiian teleprompters were perfectly acceptable, but POTUS wanted to be informal and laid-back so that he wouldn’t unduly upset the American people. When POTUS returns from vacation, he will give a complete speech in prime time mostly to warn Muslim nations that the U.S. is developing a gadget that will enter every skivvies-model, -manufacturer, and -type of material in an international database, with a skivvies-detector in every airport. When/if the detector malfunctions, every effort will be made to minimize delays as all men will be required to present their skivvies to a representative of TSA for validation as bomb-free. In the meantime, HAPPY NEW YEAR!