[From the office of Just-plain-citizen-convener Howard Dean]
***You will notice the new title in the above. It is the latest in the ongoing effort to display the democratic approach to everyone in the party apparatus, i.e., that everyone is to be considered on the same level in every area of existence as everyone else and that everyone is considered to be playing on a level field at all times and that no one may be considered superior to anyone else, not even physicians from Vermont, never mind how hard that is to imagine. In DNC Memorandum #5, the title was “Care-giver/Facilitator,” and in DNC Memorandum #6, the title was “Chair/Doctor.” The reasons for change were clearly explained, as you will notice by checking your Memorandum records; however, a research team at Berkeley has determined that many factotums with “Ph.D” or “Department Chair” on their resumes have noted these designations in bold-face type, thereby exhibiting an ultra-bourgeoisie that is wholly incompatible with the “Proletariat Concept” endemic to the leveling of everybody to the lowest common denominator, which is what the Democrat Party insists is fair and just. Since both elements of the title “Chair/Doctor” applied to me, I have decided to join the masses with no thought of risking mediocrity, since in the new democrat order mediocrity has never happened, and it will not happen again. The honorable street people of San Francisco have voted for an immediate redistribution of the wealth of party members, especially George Soros, and this matter is under advisement, with a resolution to be made by the end of the century, thereby ensuring everyone that there will be a financially level playing field. It is expected that by 2100 those with wealth will apologize to those whose forbears can be traced to the streets of San Francisco, and that proper reparations will be made.
***Most of you have received a copy of the recent memo from the office of Senator Durbin to his staff and passed on to the DNC as information, in which he mentioned the work of the Goebbels Institute of Mind-Management and Individual Collection Kinetics for Recalcitrant Yahoos (GIMMICKRY, for short), which is working with the Senator’s staff with regard to fundraising. The senator has indicated that staffers, comparing them to the latest victims of football/basketball/baseball/poker jargon, have lost their Focus and need to greatly increase their powers of concentration. This being the case, and in a patriotic reversal of the Bush policy of overly rigorous interrogation of the Al Qaeda Freedom Fighters, a facility known as the Durbin Concentration Camp will soon be established – with Fidel Castro’s permission, of course – just outside the Cuba-side Main Entrance to Guantanamo. Anyone flagging in exhibiting the arm-twisting techniques necessary to successful fundraising will be sent there for re-indoctrination. An adjunct job to the daily routine will be the surreptitious monitoring of Guantanamo, with special emphasis on the sewage system, particularly with respect to flushed Korans or Dean speeches from the 2004 campaign. Also, it has been rumored that the Dean Scream© has been used in order to drive the prisoners into confession mode. If this is true, the government owes me royalties on the copyrighted scream, and you are to check this out. Senator Durbin is providing electronic pictures of Pol Pot, Adolph Hitler, George Bush, and Joseph Stalin that are to be flashed on huge screens on the eastern border of Guantanamo, so that inmates, when they look that direction to pray five times a day, will understand the Americans. This is a courtesy also sponsored by the ACLU and designed to give dignity to the Afghani patriots illegally interned there.
***As promised in a previous memo, the DNC Policy Committee is at work now in indemnifying itself from the damages incurred in the threat to the filibuster by the so-called “Gang of 14.” Some wag has compared these seven each of democrats and republicans as the reincarnation of the Mugwump Party of 1884 and labeled them demomugwumpicans. The rumor is, though, that these traitors to their parties plan to form the Demomugwumpican Party, hold a convention in 2008, if not sooner, nominate a presidential candidate, and function as the swing vote in all matters before the Senate, a possibility too fearsome even to contemplate. However, their power has already been exerted in the approval by the Senate of three fascist/fundamentalist/literalist/conservative/racist judges to Appellate Courts. Everyone is urged to refrain from criticizing members of this group, however, the better to encourage them back into the fold. Never – REPEAT – never criticize Senator McCain, since the party may again try to get him to run as a democrat for the presidency in 2008, there being no viable democrat candidate in the foreseeable future. It has been rumored that the group promises a lively convention in 2008, with speakers from such diverse backgrounds as possible, perhaps David Duke on the right-wing lunatic-fringe and Jerry Brown from the moon people – meaning no sleep there. Given that 2,000 delegates and even his wife fell asleep when Senator Kerry spoke in Boston at the 2004 convention, as well as half the congregation in the huge African-American church in Columbus where he spoke the next morning, this matter is to be taken seriously.
***Condolences have been sent to the London mayor, with respect to the bombings there on Thursday. In the meantime, the Research Committee is hard at work ferreting out the information that this tragedy can be directly traced to George Bush (either one, depending upon the most-fun way to go). In a magnanimous gesture, Dan Rather is combing through archives and examining the word processors of former employees of the administration and the ranch in Crawford, Texas, the rumor being that the bombings were revenge for a case of mad-cow disease in Texas that might have been caused by a Canadian cow, thus depressing the lucrative beef-jerky market and scaring G.H.W. Bush into eating the hated broccoli.
***A new DNC department is in the planning stages and will serve to both appropriately reconfigure the DNC and also be recognized as the prime example of what the nation is about – diversity/multiculturalism/equality/democracy/political-correctness/anti-religionism/anti-republicanism/anti-conservatism and other virtues only wondered at in other countries. The new branch will be called the Quota Utility Office and Transfer Agency (known by its catchy acronym QUOTA, of course). It will be the business of QUOTA to have the proper number of ethnics, athletes, politicians, sexes (more than just two, considering the homosexuals, bisexuals, trisexuals, pedophiles, masochists, fellatiists, etc., who deserve a certain distinction in leveling society to the lowest common denominator of perversion, a long neglected but honorable segment of the human condition) in every area of endeavor. Using the latest technology, the proper number of each grouping will be determined by QUOTA, and then the proper transfer of people within the DNC and the party will be undertaken to get them in the right place, no matter if that means flying them to different parts of the country/world. You are directed not to complain if you are forced to move, even to the island of Attu. Just take warm clothes.
***As you know, previous memorandums have been printed in red ink to constantly remind everyone of the mortal enemy, the inhabitants of the red states. However, in deference to Senator Durbin’s courageous likening of the American troops at Guantanamo to the keepers of the Soviet (red state) Gulags, the ink this time is in black, also to indicate mourning and empathy for the patriots held at Guantanamo simply because in being part of the murdering of 3,000 Americans on 9/11 they were simply making an understandable statement. Notwithstanding Karl Rove’s recent insensitive comments, they deserve therapy, lawyers, their own mosque, water-resistant Korans, and a daily ration of goat-ribs. For reasons of safety, however, do not – REPEAT – do not demonstrate or even make statements regarding this matter, especially south of the Mason-Dixon line.