From the office of Governor Tim Kaine, convener, 12 November 2009
**Everyone is authorized to declare victory vis-a-vis the recent elections in Virginia, New Jersey and New York, primarily on the basis that Creigh Deeds refused help from POTUS and TOTUS (Teleprompter of the United States) until it was too late, John Corzine spent too much of his own money and therefore appeared too ambitious, and the democrat in New York-23 (can’t remember his/her/its name) beat out not one but two candidates, proving that when all things are normal the democrats win. The republican governors elected in my state and New Jersey will make no difference since they can’t vote on health-care or cap-and-trade but the representative from New York-23 will be very important, taking into account the defection of 39 (17% of total democrats) in the recent health-care vote in the House. The rumor that Rahm Emanuel has mailed a dead fish to each of the defectors is untrue and Rahm has said he won’t do it again. Speaker Pelosi has promised not to punish any of the defectors and the rumor that she had all the microwaves and coffee-makers removed from their offices through 2010 is untrue. She only removed pencil sharpeners and privileges in the House gym.
**POTUS leaves on his Asian trip today and has asked for help in the fashioning of acceptable apologies to Japan, Singapore, China and South Korea for the meanness of this nation (as described by the first lady) until his election. This is an urgent matter and the staffer who rises to the occasion will be given a bonus. CAUTION: Since POTUS listened for 20 years to the Rev. Dr. Jeremiah Wright, who said the “chickens had come home to roost in the U.S. because of Hiroshima and Nagasaki,” he expects any reasonable apology to include the reverend’s wisdom in the matter, with the proper mention of U.S. perfidy. Further Caution: Do not – repeat – DO NOT mention Pearl Harbor or the Korean “Comfort Women,” but make whatever positive use possible of the term “Kamikaze.” For instance, cite Al Gore’s warning that the U.S. is killing the planet in the name of the pursuit of happiness, as per the wrong interpretation of the Declaration.
**POTUS travel plans have been slightly changed. White House Communications Director Anita Dunn was to accompany the president, though not as a reward for publicly dissing Fox News and denying permission to any White House folks to appear on Fox; rather she was to go along because of her recent statement concerning her proclivity to look at the sayings/actions of Chairman Mao whenever she needed to determine a course of action, especially calling attention to the way he outdid Chiang-Kai-shek, in grabbing China for the communists at the end of WWII. Unfortunately, Chiang was an ally of the U.S., while Mao, who is said to be responsible for 40-50 million killed in his grab plus his Cultural Revolution of the 60s-70s, was an enemy. Ms. Dunn has decided to leave the administration at the end of the month, claiming, as usual, the need to spend more time with family. The fact that POTUS has been given a crash course lately in Chinese history in preparation for his trip has nothing to do with this matter, and the staffer who created a poster with a drawing of Ms. Dunn under a bus and placed it by the bottled-water keg and non-trans-fat, non-hamburger (eating grease okay if Senator Biden does), non-hotdog, non-dairy-product-of-any-kind, non-chocolate, non-smoking (smoking okay if Obama lights up), veggie-fortified, yogurt-enhanced snack-bar and body-mass-chart, carbon-cap-graph, endangered-species-obituary-wall-chart, blue/red-state-map, and Bush-dart-board will be fired.
**The DNC position on the Fort Hood episode is that no conclusions are to be drawn concerning the killer until the investigation is completed, but it will be alright to quote the e-zines and other publications that call for an investigation into the body politic in the interest of determining how Nasan became a victim of American society and was driven to placing himself in the awkward position of being court-martialed for what is clearly a case of suffering from Pre-Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder, a condition unknown before now. DNC psychiatrists, led by William Ayers of Weather Underground fame and now a distinguished professor at the University of Chicago and an expert on Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro, are looking into the possibility that PTSD is contagious and that Nasan probably caught it from returnees from Iraq and Afghanistan. If this is the case, Nasan is to be congratulated for not killing more soldiers before being gunned down by policemen, who, as POTUS has noted recently in the Cambridge case, act stupidly.
**Senator Kerry is to be commended for his recent adamant position in a hearing concerning global warming, and the public can be glad that his effort was shown on C-Span. In excoriating a poor soul from the American Enterprise Institute (or maybe some other conservative bunch of nutcases – who’s counting anyway), he made it plain that the snow will soon melt entirely from the Himalayas (or some other mountain range – who’s counting anyway) if this country doesn’t change its ways. He made it plain that the UN-IPCC and Al Gore have concluded beyond a doubt that the United States is the worst enemy of the third world (or fourth world – who’s counting anyway) and that this country must take the lead in Copenhagen next month in chastising itself and showing the proper remorse for disturbing the climate to an extent guaranteed, if not corrected, to bring on Armageddon before the end of the century. Misguided American and British climatologists disagree, but the senator is holding his ground and has privately worried that his ski trips to Switzerland may be in jeopardy.
**In keeping with his promise to protect the consumer, POTUS will soon appoint a Fast-Food Czar to carry out his executive orders denoting such important considerations as the amount of meat/grease/cheese/salt-on-a pumpernickel-bun in constructing a cheeseburger and the proper temperature for coffee. French-fries will not – repeat – will NOT be banned as of this writing, but if obesity persists in the elementary schools, the matter will be given another look. All staffers are to check the body-mass chart and add their readings to their profiles. Those who are overweight will be required to secure at least a high-normal reading before the holidays. Those whose sideways shadows at five p.m. are wider than a football will be required to listen to ten lectures each by Professor Ayers on the subjects: “Why Hugo Chavez Had a Right in His UN Speech to Call George Bush a Devil” and “How to Make a Homemade Bomb and Write a Will in Three Easy Lessons.”