DNC Memorandum #7

From the office of the chairWOMAN, 12 March 2012

***Listen up! There’s been a question about there not being a memorandum this year and the chairWOMAN resents this in no uncertain (or certain) terms. The staffer who remarked this on the George Bush dart/bulletin-board, when discovered, will be posted to canvassing duty in the Everglades. The reason: The chairWOMAN thought it unseemly to publish a memorandum until POTUS held a press conference, his first this year being on 06 March in an effort to fasten the minds of the hoi polloi on the desperate republicans’ “super-Tuesday” circus, concerning which staffers are directed to say little while the repubs are butchering each other big-time. They have all but made each other guilty enough to be in Leavenworth. Also, follow any lead possibly involving one of the candidates that shows he’s a pervert of some kind, but do not – DO NOT – mention that POTUS is evolving his position about marriage being only between a man and woman. He may have to take that stand again whether he likes it or not, besides which it’s the law of the land anyway and Attorney General Holder is too busy suing Arizona and Alabama now to figure a way to make it un-Constitutional.

***Despite all protestations to the contrary, the recession is still plaguing the party. By cooking the books a while back and officially eliminating jobs from the market, the unemployment rate was adjusted in one month from 9% down to 8.4%. Now, a multitude of folks are coming off unemployment compensation and seeking those eliminated jobs again, so the actual unemployment rate is actually about 16%. In your meetings, connect this with the fact that this is the anniversary month of the Japanese tsunami and the Arab Spring of last year, both of which POTUS declared threw the nation further into recession, thus blaming the Japanese and the Arabs for all his problems. Go easy on the Arabs, however, in fact, don’t even mention them unless questioned…for obvious reasons, one of which could be embarrassment for POTUS and FLOTUS and even COPOTUS (children of the president, for recent Harvard grads) when the next Ramadan comes along and POTUS does the usual, though do not mention anything about prayer rugs or presidential-limousine GPS coordinates pointing automatically east toward Mecca.

***Though POTUS considers his Libyan victory, that took only seven months to gain and was a marvelous success that guaranteed his bona fides as a superlative commander-in-chief, do not bring up this subject in Town Hall meetings, or at least not until the end of them, when, whether in schools or bars, most of the participants are too boozed-up to notice. Unfortunately, the New York Times mentioned in December that 7,700 bombs and missiles were dropped by POTUS and NATO on the Libyans, meaning that if each bomb killed only one Libyan…I’m sure you get the picture. If a question arises about this, mention that not all of them hit their proper targets even though POTUS and NATO have insisted that there were virtually no misses, meaning that an awful lot of Libyans bit the proverbial dust…make that sand (little joke there). Also, under no circumstances – that’s NO circumstances – mention anything about Syria, since POTUS and even resident-intellectual State Secretary Clinton have said that Bashar Assad has to be eliminated, either by himself or any other means. They said that about Qaddafi, but Syria has a big army and air-force, meaning that POTUS as C-in-C has no intention of flexing his bona fides there.

***The wag who taped a picture of POTUS to the George Bush dart/bulletin-board over the caption CONDOM-IN-CHIEF will be severely disciplined when apprehended. AG Holder has put the NCIS, FBI, DEA, NSA, CIA and other investigative agencies to work on this matter, which could involve an act of treason. In phoning Sandra Fluke to smooth her feelings that were ruffled by that evil Rush Limbaugh, POTUS, as rumored, did not promise her that the federal government would award her a top-citizen medal, along with a ten year’s supply of Trojans, for standing up for women’s privacy rights with regard to fighting the disease known as pregnancy, for which no antibiotics have proven effective. POTUS has vehemently denied doing this and has insisted that he will not do it again.

***Staffers are to emphasize that new “green” methods are in the works, though no mention is to be made in any groups regarding the “Solyndra Meltdown,” for which the taxpayers were hit for $535 million, though the Solyndra head honchos earned huge bonuses requiring them to pay their “fair share” in taxes not covered by loopholes, said to amount to almost as much as a 70% reduction, nearly as good as that of Congresspersons. One new plan, rumored to be suggested by Sandra Fluke, is something called “Condoms for Clunkers.” Under this protocol, used condoms would be turned in for new condoms made of biodegradable material at a huge discount, thus saving the planet from manmade-global-warming while lowering the birth-rates to near-zero, thus eliminating the need for excessive producing of food, especially beef-cows that fill the air with methane gas every time they burp or otherwise heed the call.

***Along this line, Head Czar Sunstein will soon announce a recruiting program for “Green Inspectors.” He got the idea from a short story in the book December in May, published recently. Inspectors will be trained for such efforts as monitoring all cars on public properties for tire under-inflation, with fines being given to those who are guilty of neglecting their tires. There will be inspectors for checking households to determine proper light-bulb usage, salt content in foods, overuse of toilet tissue, excessive pizza-consumption, etc. Inspectors are already at work checking the lunches kindergarteners bring to school, with possible fines for such things as peanut-butter/jelly sandwiches, for instance. Parents and guardians are being warned that something as serious as a ham-sandwich-with-mayonnaise could mean a jail term. Staffers who bring their lunches to work are being warned herein. Even tofu is being critically examined.

***Keep your eyes and ears out regarding the republican debates, at least one-a-week. If you hear anything suspicious, like someone telling the truth, report it immediately.