DNC Memorandum 6

[From the office of Howard Dean, chair/doctor]

*** You will remember that in DNC Memorandum #5 I noted the change in my title to Care-giver/Facilitator, but you will notice in the above that I have changed it to chair/doctor (small letters), and placed it after my name instead of before it. This is to satisfy complaints that placing the title in front of my name was an elitist ploy designed to point out a certain superiority. While this was never in my mind, I am acceding to the desire of those complainants, principally from the NAACP and NOW organizations, in behalf of party unity and the deep desire on my part not to offend anyone by claiming a false superiority, especially since, while I admitted to some faults during last year’s campaign, I now have none, despite the charge in the conservative media that I exhibited duplicity in my recent appearance with Tim Russert on Meet the Press. Also, some democrat doctors in the AMA objected to the term caregiver, claiming that I, a doctor, had placed myself on the level of RNs, LPNs, EMTs, policemen, firefighters, and den mothers, who are also caregivers, thus denigrating the medical profession. I gave their input serious consideration (especially in light of their inordinate ability to provide funds), and agreed, but with the stipulation herein noted that this in no way denigrates the practitioners of care-giving, no matter who they are. I dropped the use of facilitator in answer to southern democrats, especially those connected to the NRA, who linked the name to wimpishness and insisted that a chairperson should be an always-cocked hammer and not a gun barrel. I especially like the hammer tag because it reminds everyone of Tom Delay, the most notoriously dangerous politician since Teddy Roosevelt.

*** The snide-remark hotline (noted in DNC Memorandum #5) that has been set up for anyone wanting to ridicule First Lady Laura Bush vis-à-vis her comedy routine at the recent White House Press Corps clambake in Washington and the contest connected with it have elicited some remarkably pungent responses and are proving invaluable in the formation of slogans for next year’s congressional elections. Remember: The democrat offering the snidest-remark will win a trip to the Clinton Library, an autographed CD of the Dean Scream®, and an opportunity to visit with Dan Rather, who is considered the snidest anchorman ever to have existed. The contest will last through August, at which time the winner will be announced. In addition to the prizes mentioned above, a gold-plated chainsaw will be awarded to the second-place winner.

*** It has come to my attention again that some workers, especially those on college campuses, are referring to Senator Biden as Buddy Biden, despite my warning in the last memo that this willful disrespect will not be tolerated. This situation arose from the remark, “We’re looking for candor, old Buddy,” made by the senator to Attorney General Gonzales during his nomination hearing. On some campuses, however, students have been referring to the distinguished senator now as Johnny Boy Buddy Biden, claiming this appellation to be derived from his recent mocking on the Senate floor of former State Secretary Colin Powell’s remark (supposedly while John Bolton worked for him and admittedly just made up by Biden) to the effect, “We’re watching you, Johnny Boy!” The headline in that conservative Washington paper during the Bolton hearing, BUDDY BIDEN BOMBING BOLTON, was changed after the senator’s latest declaration to JOHNNY BOY BUDDY BIDEN BOLDLY BOMBING BOLTON, and this doubtlessly contributed to the campus disrespect. Also, hecklers (some of them democrats) at Biden’s appearances – even on the Senate subway – have been reported as singing that old roaring-20s ballad, “My Buddy.” I cannot overemphasize this warning: Do not engage in this subversive activity. I have sent a heads-up to the senator suggesting that he be careful not to get too dramatic during the judicial-nominee votes now unfortunately being undertaken. These nominees have the savvy to bomb Biden with a lawsuit if he engages in further mimicry or derisive terms. Just think of the FoxNews uproar if he should say to nominee Wm. H. Pryor Jr., “We’re jiving your judgeship, Billy Boy!”

*** A position paper regarding the Gang of 14 is in the process and will be distributed as soon as it is determined if these senators have given us a win-win, win-loss, loss-win, no-win, no loss, or lose-lose position. The fourteen, led by Senator McCain, are said to have struck the well-documented compromise allowing some but not all the current appellate-court nominees to get up-or-down votes as a result of conscientious considerations having to do with the immediate demise of the Constitution and consequent dissolution of the nation, absent these votes and the further torture of the filibuster; however, it is rumored that Karl Rove threatened to open up the KKK records pertaining to Senator Byrd if the cloture deadlock was not removed. If this is true, the depths to which the White House has plunged is obvious; however, do not mention this, since Senator Byrd filibustered for more than 14 hours straight in 1964 against that year’s Civil Rights Act, and we still take the African-American vote for granted. We can’t afford either resources (especially money) or workers to contend for that vote, of which we own 90% without even trying.

*** As you know, the citizens of the DNC’s best friend in Olde Europe – France, of course – have just voted down the European Union-proposed Constitution. This has been rumored to be a sort of citizens’ revenge for EU-Constitution-backer French President Jacque Chirac’s kissing of Laura Bush’s hand when she visited France last. The French, who do not forgive easily, probably favored the plan, not that they gave it any credence, but made it plain that Chirac’s days are numbered. Protesters at the Eiffel Tower have been displaying the “Bush swagger” in their marches (a few have thrown their hips out of joint) and sawing effigy-chainsaws into pieces. The DNC has signaled Chirac’s opponents that John Kerry, a French favorite since his halcyon days of 1970-71 in that country engaging in ultra-important negotiations with both the North and South Vietnamese over the best way to kick the Americans out, is ready to provide the necessary neutral party in smoothing EU affairs. Germany and eight other nations have approved of the document, but the point actually is moot, since both France and Germany are rapidly becoming dominated by their Muslim populations. With that crowd in control, no document will be worth the proverbial paper unless, of course, it calls for death to all Americans.

*** As usual, this memorandum is written in red, the better to remind us of our enemy, the red-state rednecks.