From the office of Governor Tim Kaine, convener, 23 October 2009
**Please pay no attention to the rumor that the president has thrown Creigh Deeds under the bus account his asking that neither the POTUS nor the TOTUS (Teleprompter of the United States) appear in the Virginia gubernatorial race with him. Deeds has confirmed that he made no such request and that he will not do so again. Also, the rumor that Rahm Emanuel sent Deeds a dead fish through special delivery is untrue. An anonymous White House source said it was actually sent via UPS. Even though I’m the current governor of Virginia, I can’t help Deeds since I’m allergic to fish, dead or otherwise...perfectly reasonable.
**Please be advised that the health-care conference organized by Senator Reid and Speaker Pelosi has not been infiltrated by any republicans and that the locks on the doors are replaced twice a day. Also, play down the flap that was generated by the republicans recently regarding Reid’s making a pass at Pelosi during that press conference they held together. These two stalwart leaders will appear together again soon and explain that Harry mistook Pelosi for his wife, since each of them has two ears, making them practically identical.
**The “Hail to Obama” song recently performed in a New Jersey school and presented on TV via the newscasts of Fox News is to be classified in your material as sheer propaganda staged by Rush Limbaugh and a paid choir of trailer-trash children in Memphis. Also, discount the rumor that the POTUS accepted and then rejected the school’s offer to stage a presidential “love-in” in its gymnasium. Senator Kerry advised that changing one’s mind has become a manly thing like shedding a few tears (as he did in 2004 – little joke there) and indeed eloquently expresses the male sensitivity so exhibited by President Clinton, who could feel everyone’s pain (even Monica’s)...and said so.
**Officially, the president has stopped smoking and any vapors emanating from the Oval Office or the White House grounds are to be classified as coming from the White House kitchen. Any smoke emanating from the presidential limousine accrues to new brake linings since the windows are supposed to never be open. Smoke arising from a presidential jog is caused by the breaths of the Secret Service agents who thought they were finally delivered from this torture when George Bush gave it up for the bicycle. The agents claiming an allergy to cigarette smoke have been replaced by smokers. In any case, the jogs are much shorter for the obvious reason.
**The explanation for the president’s failure to secure the Olympics for Chicago in 2016 has to do with his having too much integrity to bribe the IOC officials, the usual method in securing the games. The rumor that the IOC officials quickly discounted the Chicago offer through sheer fear because thousands of dead people arise from their graves and vote every November is not true. It also is untrue that former Illinois governor Blagojevich contacted the IOC two years ago in an effort to sell Chicago and even offered the Sears Tower (or whatever it’s called now) in the bargain.
**Questions have been raised about the resignation of Van Jones from his position as the Green Czar. For one thing, he had served a number of weeks and simply felt that he had accomplished his mission, which was whatever he said it was. The fact that he had declared himself as a communist had nothing to do with the resignation nor did his assertion that the Bush administration had conspired with Osama bin Laden to bring off 9/11 nor did his reckoning of himself as a revolutionary, the one thing to save the country from capitalism. As we all know, capitalism has had its day and the time has come to bring other entities under government control to join GM, Chrysler, the banks and – soon now – all the fast-food chains, when there will be an absolute prohibition on french-fries, salt in any form, Big Macs and other poisons. Applications are being accepted now for the position of sugar/grease-monitor, with the full authority of the state in the matter of arresting lawbreakers serving up such caloric catastrophes as ice cream and barbecue. An announcement will be made soon regarding the new Brown Czar, who will oversee the monitors and the whole ball of wax...make that grease. Incidentally, Jones is not – repeat NOT – currently working as a houseboy in the George Soros mansion.
**It was overheard recently at the bottled-water keg and non-trans-fat, non-hamburger (eating grease okay if Senator Biden does), non-hotdog, non-dairy-product-of-any-kind, non-chocolate, non-smoking (smoking okay if Obama lights up), veggie-fortified, yogurt-enhanced snack-bar and body-mass-chart, carbon-cap-graph, endangered-species-obituary-wall-chart, blue/red-state-map, and Bush-dart-board that the administration, DNC, Girl Scouts, and all the ships at sea have declared war on Fox News and Rush Limbaugh. This is not true, even though the term Door-Gate, regarding the Health-Care issue, seems to have originated there or in some other despicable location such as the CIA, FBI and all those other agencies that spy on everybody.
**The president has let it be known that he did not – repeat...DID NOT – appreciate seeing a picture of the staffers in the DNC lounge falling asleep during his second State of the Union speech the other night. It was bad enough that he was called a liar by a South Carolina redneck (probably even watches car-races) for telling a lie, but absolutely intolerable that DNC staffers deprive themselves of his wisdom. Anyone falling asleep during even a Robert Gibbs press conference will be sent to San Francisco to work among the cross-dressers, notwithstanding the fact that Gibbs has given the term “uh” new meaning and sometimes has to awaken himself.
**The annual fall party will take place on Halloween evening this year, so be prepared for the festivities. Feel free to appear in costume but those attempting to look like either rappers or cowboys will have their guns confiscated and be required to forfeit a month’s pay. Those attempting to look like Congressmen while uttering three consecutive grammatically correct sentences will be forced to wash the dishes, so be forewarned. Those attempting to look like Senators while actually reading anything will wax and polish all agency autos next week, so...ditto. The highlight of the evening will be the burning in effigy of Rush Limbaugh and Glen Beck, during which marshmallows will be roasted and everyone who is still sober will sing the New Jersey school’s “Hail to Obama!”