DNC Memorandum #5

[Office of Care-giver/Facilitator Howard Dean]

* Please note the change in my title, which has been Doctor/Chairman until now. This change has been made by me in response to suggestions from a number of you relative to the elitism some people attach to the former title, which even I admit was also sexist, gender-insensitive, and culturally offensive to the education-deprived (a new victim-hood class suggested by Jesse Jackson), especially college and professional athletes who belong to the Democrat party and are possible goldmines for fund-raising, since they make (or will make) enormous wages. They are to the athletic community what Michael Moore is to Hollywood. Everyone is herein instructed not to speak disparagingly about steroids, muscle-bulk-ups, performance-enhancers and Red-Man Snuff. Also, everyone is reminded not to mention truth as a family value when discussing Moore’s marvelous film about the Bush administration. I understand that Michael is working on a new documentary with the working title The Passion of Dean. This is in answer to Mel Gibson’s film about Christ and points out the sacrifices I am making to reform, revamp, rehabilitate, reenergize, re-elevate, and restore to respectability the party of the Red-baiters. The Dean Scream® will replace music in the opening scene, and everyone is reminded that the scream is copyrighted and can be used or otherwise produced only through permission by me.

* There have been rumblings throughout the party with respect to candidates agreeing to mutually eschew New Hampshire in the next presidential primary campaign. Some have complained that there’s too much snow there in January, the obvious result being that a campaigner might slip and fall. This is a weak, even disingenuous allusion to the fact that Kerry’s campaign went down the drain when he fell off his skis last year and blamed the Secret Service guy. It’s also an allusion to Muskie’s downfall all those years ago when he wept in Manchester. Notice is hereby given that New Hampshire is to remain the important bellwether state that it is and that a little cold weather never hurt anyone, never mind that Bush didn’t campaign there at all in 2000. If, however, this rumbling continues, New England is to retain its importance, and the suggestion is herein made that Vermont is a winter-user-friendly-New-England state.

* There is a snide-remark hotline being set up for anyone wanting to ridicule First Lady Laura Bush vis-à-vis her comedy routine at the recent White House Press Corps clambake in Washington. There will be a contest feature added to this arrangement, and the participant whose remark or remarks are the snidest will win a trip to the Clinton Library, an autographed CD of the Dean Scream®, and an opportunity to visit with Dan Rather, who is considered the snidest former anchorman ever to have existed. A pamphlet suggesting ways to accomplish the most sophisticated snideism is forthcoming, but, while waiting, feel free to glean tidbits from the horrorstricken pundits who already have been shocked, appalled, and otherwise traumatized by Ms. Bush’s lack of sensitivity toward those who use chainsaws for a living or hate Cheney and Rumsfeld or all three. A personal suggestion has to do with exploiting Ms. Bush’s making light of desperate housewives, who constitute a new victim-hood class just noted by Al Sharpton and Senator Barbara Boxer, who is rumored to be contemplating changing the spelling of her first name to Barbra for obvious reasons.

* It has come to my attention again that some workers, especially those on college campuses, are referring to Senator Biden as Buddy Biden, despite my warning in the last memo that this willful disrespect will not be tolerated. This situation arose from the remark, “We’re looking for candor, old Buddy,” made by the senator to Attorney General Gonzales during his nomination hearing. In connection with this matter, I’m reminding you that Senator Biden’s plagiarism problem dating back to 1988 is not to be used with respect to any material in which the term buddy is used, such as in the old roaring-20s ballad, “My Buddy.” Also, the senator is waging a brave fight on the Foreign Relations Committee to ban John Bolton from the UN. The headline in that conservative Washington paper, BUDDY BIDEN BOMBING BOLTON shows the depths to which some newspapers have plunged. In any case, I have sent a heads-up to the senator suggesting that he not refer to Bolton as Buddy, since the alliteration police would kill him if he did. Imagine something like Buddy Biden not playing buddy-buddy with Bolton as a sub-head to the above. Disgusting!

* Please be aware of efforts being made by high-profile democrats to protect the cloture rule in the Senate. Senator Kennedy has spoken with great enthusiasm in favor of the cloture rule, as has Senator Byrd, though neither has explained why he has changed his mind on the subject of Senate rules, as outlined in their performances in the 1975 debate on the subject of the filibuster. I’ve sent them a heads-up, requesting that they explain this circumstance, lest the old-timers laugh/leak the apparent discrepancies to conservative college newspapers. Preserving the cloture rule is a must if the courts are to be protected from scavengers of the ilk of Scalia, Rehnquist, and Thomas. This is watershed-time in the nation’s history. It could be that two men will not be permitted to marry each other for the next 30-40 years if the wrong nominees are approved to the Appellate Courts now. Those of you on college campuses may discover bans on navel-exhibitionism, tongue-rings, multiple earrings, nose rings, coed dorms, and tattoos if strict constructionists take over the courts, so you have a significant stake in stirring up support for the cloture rule.

* Be aware that the 60th-year anniversaries of the end of World War II are now being observed and will be substantial attention-getters right through September, the month the last treaty was signed by Japan in 1945. This means a spurt in patriotism, especially as actuated by that awful Brokaw term, The Greatest Generation. At every opportunity, mention Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan, and Grenada with regard to U.S. imperialism, but don’t mention that this country has not occupied any of those countries or made them into colonies. Most Americans are dumb and will not think of that. HEADS-UP: Do not mention that 330 Americans per day were killed during World War II and World War I. To do so makes the Iraq body-count less of an issue; however, please don’t get me wrong – even one life lost is too much. Keep harping on that theme, by the way, and be sure to say “God bless America” at every opportunity.

* As usual, this memorandum is written in red, the better to remind us of our enemy, the red-state rednecks.