From the office of Governor Tim Kaine, convener, 03 September 2009
***Sorry to be a bit late…okay, missed last month; however, things have been hectic lately, particularly because of the riff-raff that’s been upsetting the Town Hall meetings. The legislators are refusing to hold any more meetings since these scumbags have been spouting HR 3200 at them and expecting answers. The legislators haven’t read the bill…okay, a few have but they have no idea what any of it means, so they’ve been speechless (extraordinary for politicians – little joke there). One of our demonstrators bit off a guy’s finger today in California (where else?) to demonstrate that the current health-care system is so bad that there was no doctor around to sew it back on immediately. This was a magnanimous gesture but everyone is urged to think carefully before biting off fingers. Maybe a little hair-pulling is okay but be sure to use this method on only people considerably smaller than you are…and run like…
***The president will address the students next Tuesday and has requested a red/yellow/black/white-paper (diversity duly noted) on what he should say. The paper should make no allusions to the end-of-life conferences noted in HR 3200 since the kids might get upset, knowing full well that death can happen any time anyone breathes the air, now that the nasty republicans have filled it with greenhouse gasses. NOTE: The part already in the speech urging loyalty to the president has been replaced by something having to do with staying in school and not bringing in guns, pocketknives, pot, and subversive comic-books like Spiderman, since encouraging the climbing of the walls of buildings might make the parents unhappy.
***The award for the staffer who read within a week’s time the stimulus bill, energy bill, and health-care bill and then wrote a summary of their contents has been confirmed (See Memorandum #4). None of these bills have been read by either House members or senators, though two have been passed by the House and one by the Senate. There will be a slight delay in making the award account waiting for the winner to be released from his straitjacket.
***The new Michael Moore movie entitled We Won is in the editing stage. The theme song by the same name was scheduled to be sung by the president but he failed to find the key; therefore, Barbra Streisand has volunteered to do the honors, hopefully right after her monthly money-counting activities. She may also star in the movie, disguised as a revolutionary War soldier madly driving her Humvee from LA to San Francisco to deliver the message that the Bill O’Reilly gang is coming. She will give the signal from Knob Hill and a platoon of drag-queens will form the first line of defense.
***President Obama’s Green Czar is Van Jones, a prominent member of the truthers, who insist that President Bush, Veep Cheney, and Halliburton conspired with Osama bin laden to blow away the WTC, Pentagon, and a Pennsylvania cornfield in 2001. Jones, who announced in California (where else?) a while back, that he is a communist has made it plain that the American government will not be rearranged but will actually be completely replaced, ostensibly with him as the main CZAR in charge of everything but the president’s teleprompter. Jones has said recently that he has never been a communist but just had a rough childhood and fell in with the wrong crowd on Knob Hill, and that he will not say it again. His current project is the complete banning of automobiles from sidewalks but he has made it plain that he intends soon to expand the prohibition to the streets and highways as well.
***It has been rumored but not verified that Dr. Kevorkian will become the End-of-Life Czar. The staffer who said at the bottled-water keg and non-trans-fat, non-hamburger (eating grease okay if Senator Biden does), non-hotdog, non-dairy-product-of-any-kind, non-chocolate, non-smoking (smoking okay if Obama lights up), veggie-fortified, yogurt-enhanced snack-bar and body-mass-chart, carbon-cap-graph, endangered-species-obituary-wall-chart, blue/red-state-map, and Bush-dart-board that this made people an endangered species, even the administration, has been transferred to the Everglades, where alligators are not an endangered species.
***The president will give his second state-of-the-union address this year to Congress next week. He will appreciate input from senior staffers but has advised that nothing is to be mentioned about the unemployment rate, the national debt, the hot Augusts in Washington, which he and Congress have avoided, or his and Michele’s date in New York a while back that cost a few hundred thousand big ones. He will present his version of health-care and has explained that the reason he didn’t read HR 3200 is simply that he figured it would be totally revised by Rahm Emanuel and Van Jones anyway, and that they would then make up his mind about a new bill. The TV stations, even cable, are urging him to make it a five-minute presentation since the recession that the stimulus hasn’t changed forces them to run more commercials than usual. Losing a whole hour to a teleprompter is hard on the bottom line, they say. Please advise everyone to watch, especially since there was a colossal dropping off to sleep through the country during his last speech.
***Finally, there are still opportunities to become a czar, and everyone is urged to fill out an application. Currently, a czar for controlling jay-walking is badly needed, as well as a czar for policing hate-talk on radio. Czars – REPEAT – czars do not have to be vetted by the FBI or any other agency, so do not be timid unless, of course, you have jay-walked in public lately. Also, the president is open to suggestions as to the next round of apologies to other nations for this country’s existence, and there will probably be named soon a czar for apologies. Be thinking about that. Next in line for an official apology is California because it’s perfectly obvious that the government has let Sacramento go bankrupt, just like Washington. No excuse.