DNC Memorandum #5

From the office of the ChairWOMAN, 28 October 2011

***LISTEN UP! The ChairWOMAN is not just unhappy with current performance – actually lack of it – but is furious and will add any staffer to the unemployed gang who is not giving 110%. She is holding down her job in the U.S. House, even voting occasionally, while directing this most important of all democrat organizations…more important, even, than the former ACORN. POTUS’s approval rating is slipping and the White House has made it plain that the main reason is the failure of this organization to make the president’s case, or at least make it better than Press Secretary Carney, who has given a new profoundness to the term “uh.” The excuse that neither Carney, I, nor any staffer knows what POTUS’s case is will not fly. He knows what his current jobs-legislation is and that’s all that matters, at least according to Minority Leader Pelosi, who has said that, like the healthcare legislation, the details will filter out after passage. The keyword to use in any discussion is “infrastructure,” which can mean hiring people to work for the government on anything from bridges to dentures, providing they’re union-members (the people, not the dentures, for recent Harvard graduates). Besides, people in the Southeast and Southwest (except for my Florida county) don’t know what infrastructure means, so this is a good, strong organizing word that cannot be connected in any way in my county with “hanging chads.” For Yale grads, “infrastructure” does not mean “buildings that can be seen only at night through the use of weird goggles.”

***This is from Memo #4: “POTUS has expressed brilliantly that the high unemployment rate is due to the Arab Spring and the Japanese tsunami and nuclear meltdown. He has requested [from the DNC] a red/yellow/black/white paper explaining why this is the case.” Not one paper of not even purple has been submitted and White House Chief-of-Staff Daly is threatening to replace me if POTUS’s explanation is not made available and teleprompter-ready within a week. LISTEN UP! I have no intention of coughing up $200 thou because my staff is plagued with dimwits. Besides, I’m tired of sitting through all those House monstrosities run now by the republicans and have no desire to attempt living on just a paltry representative’s salary of $174,000 + all the good stuff the peons don’t have, like healthcare out my ears and pensions to die for (little black humor there). The staffer who prepares this paper will be awarded a ticket to the next NASCAR race or NFL game in North Carolina, whichever has the most blood and gore to offer – little joke there, for any member of Yalie Skull-and-Bones.

***The White House has put out a statement to the effect that the president had had a long day, complete with a wrist-sprain on a chip shot from a manhole cover, when he said in March that he would take care of Qaddafi in days, not weeks. He simply misspoke in that he meant to say “in months, not years.” The statement also includes the information that for the same reason (except it was an approach shot from a golf-cart road) the president forgot to announce his war on Libya in Washington before leaving for vacation (badly needed, obviously) and thus had to announce it in Brazil between the main course and dessert at a bash in Brasilia. Please present this perfectly reasonable explanation at all town-hall meetings in New Hampshire, preferably early in the ones held in bars account drunks may not believe it.

***Everyone is directed to support the current Occupy Wall Street demonstrations, notwithstanding the hardships of living in parks and having to search for rent-a-toilets while dodging tear-gas canisters and/or fraternity brothers looking for girls to invite to their parties. POTUS is in complete agreement with whatever the protestors are protesting and is requesting red/yellow/black/white papers regarding what that is. Anyone arrested is on his/her own but is directed herein on the threat of death-by-firing-squad not to mention the DNC. It’s not okay to call the effort “community organizing gone ape,” never mind anything Limbaugh says.

***IMPORTANT: Do NOT – repeat – DO NOT ridicule the current plethora of republican debates or anyone connected to them. Do NOT even quote what the debaters say about each other. They are being closely monitored at DNC headquarters. At present, especially with POTUS in a sort of free-fall regarding popularity, the republicans are doing a wonderful hatchet-job on each other, besides trivializing their campaigns/positions in arguing about Romney’s groundskeepers and Perry’s accusing himself of being so poor at debating that he will just skip it on his way to the White House, thus making himself suspect in the event of the three a.m. call. A poor debater could hardly be expected to dispatch Libya in a matter of years, if not decades. POTUS did it in just seven months and only murdered a few thousand. Who’s counting, and they all look alike anyway. If this killing is mentioned in town-hall meetings, simply say “ce la vie” (pronounced say-luh-vee, in case Carney is snooping). That’s French and most folks, drunk or sober, will never admit to not knowing what it means, even though it’s regularly in the Crosswords, and assume it’s a profound word of wisdom.

***Important note: The DNC/White House is against drug-testing anyone receiving welfare benefits, including the old codgers on Medicare, who are generally full of pain medicine for something or other and have paid their fair share into Medicare anyway. This is a privacy matter and people receiving entitlements are also entitled to conduct their lives as they see fit, including staying numb/drunk/giggly and on another planet most of the time. Hammer on this in all meetings and in all Occupy-Wall-Street protests, but be careful of those with glassy eyes and rings in ears, nose, lips, tongue, love handles, navel, and areas seen only when flashed. This does not apply to DNC staffers, most of whom are on welfare because the CHAIRwoman owes it to all contributors to spend their money wisely.