DNC Memorandum #4

From the office of Governor Tim Kaine, convener, 27 July 2009

***Questions have been asked concerning the reason for changing the above title to Convener from Chairman, as noted in Mem #3, thus passing over the term Chairperson. The reason is simple: Representatives from the Green Party and PETA insisted that since it has been discovered that humans and animals share some of the same DNA, notably concerning hair, the possibility that animals could be traumatized and suffer discrimination by being left out of the party is un-American. Both groups are holding meetings in Chicago with the Dead Voters Association to determine a way to register animals, though it has been reported that chimps sponsored by the Log Cabin gang in the San Francisco zoo are demonstrating because the party symbols – jackasses and elephants – are even more discriminatory, notwithstanding their accuracy for democrats and republicans, respectively. Former convener Dr. Howard Dean has vehemently denied that he said he would run on a ticket of the Orangutan Party, claiming it to have more intelligence than dems or repubs, and that he will not say it again.

***Care is to be taken not to respond to questions concerning the recent assertion by the president that Cambridge policemen are stupid, at least until you have all the details. The official word is that the president either misread his teleprompter or that a republican operative hacked into the teleprompter with a blank line and the command that the president input his own description. The president thought that Cambridge is a card-game and was simply saying that policing a card game is stupid. The staffer at the bottled-water keg and non-trans-fat, non-hamburger (eating grease okay if Senator Biden does), non-hotdog, non-dairy-product-of-any-kind, non-chocolate, non-smoking (smoking okay if Obama lights up), veggie-fortified, yogurt-enhanced snack-bar and body-mass-chart, carbon-cap-graph, endangered-species-obituary-wall-chart, blue/red-state-map, and Bush-dart-board who said that the word stupid was at the wrong end of the equation has been sent for reeducation to Senator Durbin’s gulag in an Illinois swamp, where he will be taught not to be like American GIs, otherwise known to the senator as Storm Troopers of the Killing Fields, but to be fair, frank, and tender, like Rahm Emanuel, who has said he did not send a dead fish to Dr. Howard Dean and will not do it again.

***An award is in the planning stage for staffers who read within a week’s time the stimulus bill, energy bill, and health-care bill and then write a summary of their contents. None of these bills have been read by either House members or senators, though two have been passed by the House and one by the Senate. The legislators have made this request, claiming that their time and that of their staffs must be spent on fundraising and that even when they attempt reading the bills they don’t understand them anyway. The staffer who comes up with the best summary – unless it declares collective lunacy as some have claimed – will be given a DVD of the president singing the brand-new Democrat Party fight-song entitled We Won, the theme of the new movie by Michael Moore with the same title. His current movie, The Biblical Bombers Bivouac in Brotherly Bethlehem, featuring Pennsylvania Baptists grasping their shotguns, chanting Psalms and rousting illegal immigrants from the coal mines, is nearly finished.

***The president has requested a black/red/yellow/white-paper explaining why Latina women are better judges than white men and also explaining why national policy should be set in Appeals Courts, as current SCOTUS nominee Sonia Sotomayor has claimed. A requirement is that the term “empathy” be defined in legal terms, therefore making it the most important element in decisions about life and death…even baseball, since top democrat athletes feel that not enough empathy has been felt for ballplayers who have sacrificed their bodies using steroids in order to bring international importance to sports. NOTE: The president’s teleprompter has insisted on numerous occasions that he did not – repeat – DID NOT bounce the ball in front of the plate in throwing out that first pitch at the All-Star game. All of the camera angles were wrong.

***The rumor that the Rev. Dr. Jeremiah Wright has been tapped to become the new Religion Czar is untrue, notwithstanding his now recognized superior sense of history (especially by the National Council of Churches) in determining that the Garden of Eden was actually in Kenya, not far from the president’s stepbrother’s mansion. Some consideration may be given to the Right Rev. Honorable Dr. Ayatollah Louis Farrakhan, head of the Nation of Islam, since neither the Protestants nor Catholics nor Jewish versions of the Faith include the sacred rite of Infidel-and-bad-girls-Beheading.

***Please be advised that Vice President Biden did not mean to say to the AARP that the government had to increase spending because it’s in bankruptcy. What he said he meant to say was that that the country needed to keep bankrupting in order to keep spending and giving away stimuli so that Latina women will feel the nation’s empathy toward them, thus enhancing the mental superiority they have over white men, who are always stingy, un-empathetic, unsympathetic, unintelligent, and un-cool. The Latina Women for Obama Club in El Paso has made the vice president its poster boy, naming him the embodiment of all those virtues.

***The Berlin Bonanza celebration on Saturday, commemorating President Obama’s invasion and capture of Berlin on 25 July 2008, was a huge success. The “I’m a Different Kind of American” contest was won by a staffer in blackface doing the Mississippi Shuffle and who shall remain nameless until rewarded with a trip to…yep, Berlin. The “Apology” contest was won by a staffer who screamed for forgiveness for condemning the Malmedy Massacre of December 1944, when German troops slaughtered 81 unarmed American POWs. He claimed the machine-gunners were hungry and needed the Americans’ K-rations…perfectly reasonable. The “We Won” contest was won by a staffer dressed as the Rev. Dr. Jeremiah Wright and screaming “Hiroshima, Nagasaki, U-S-A is devil’s lackey.” Each will be given an autographed DVD of the president’s trip, complete with the showing of teeny-boppers attacking the platform.