From the office of the ChairWOMAN, 16 August 2011
***Listen up! The chairWOMAN (me, for recent Harvard grad-staffers) is fed up with the terminology being used by some DNC smart-alecks referencing the current bus-tour by POTUS. The bus is NOT to be called the Mobile Mortuary because of its completely black color, including all windows, nor is the effort to be characterized as the Under-the-bus Tour. The rumor that POTUS has said anyone using that term will be assigned to the complaint desk in Baghdad is untrue and POTUS has said he will not say that again. In addition, any remarks concerning what goes on behind those totally black windows will not be tolerated, except as they relate to POTUS planning his September jobs-program between town-hall meetings and speeches, which are essentially the same. The fact that there are two of these buses has nothing to do with nobody but the Secret Service knowing on which bus POTUS is riding. In any case, at just a paltry $1.1 million each, who would care if POTUS took ten buses, his family (Kenyans included) and half the population of Honolulu? As POTUS has said before, WE WON!.
***All staffers are to refer as often as possible to POTUS as the Commander-in-Chief. This is important because Texas Governor Rick Perry has entered the republican circus for the nomination. Perry spent five years in the Air Force in the 1970s as a pilot, flying all over the world, meaning that he has military experience, something that perhaps only Texas Congressman Ron Paul, who also spent five years in the Air Force as a doctor, can match. This makes a problem for POTUS, who has finally learned how to return a salute but now has to appear more macho than ever. In this regard, emphasize that POTUS is now leading from behind in perpetuating the highly important Arab Spring through unilaterally (Congress a bunch of chickens who would have said “no”) attacking powerful Libya, which boasts a troop-strength of 76,000, and has a huge population just two million less than that of New York City. This has been a daring example of military-use; however, do not mention that POTUS said Qaddafi would be gone in days, not weeks. Simply mention that POTUS did not mention months, another example of his superior intellect.
***With regard to the forgoing, be advised that Dan Rather is said to be investigating whether or not Perry has been given favorable treatment by the Air Force, perhaps by letting him be an officer/pilot rather than a tail-gunner, which is what his father was in WWII, or a surfer, which is what Obama was in the 1970s. Rather had a problem with Air Force typewriters of the 1960s but is open to any suggestions regarding Air Force typewriters, especially in Texas, during the 1970s-era. Any former colleague of Perry who can testify to even so much as Perry’s shoes not being properly shined during inspections is requested to contact the office of the ChairWOMAN immediately. Anyone having knowledge that Perry might have returned late from a furlough (delicious AWOL stuff) will be rewarded handsomely for any information and may remain anonymous. Even bogus information will be entertained on the basis of Rather’s being able to make it authentic. Now is the time for all democrats to come to the aid of their country…or something like that.
***POTUS has expressed brilliantly that the high unemployment rate is due to the Arab Spring and the Japanese tsunami and nuclear meltdown. He has requested a red/yellow/black/white paper explaining why this is the case. He would prepare it but he’s booked up until November 2012, even though press-person Carney has promised to give the reasons any day now. Carney isn’t clear about the Arab Spring and hasn’t the time, anyway, since he’s in charge of town-hall teleprompters and the teleprompters to be used at bedside in case POTUS is awakened for an emergency at 3:00 a.m. Also, the yellow/black/white/red paper (note diversity in colors compared to the above paper) explaining why POTUS is leading from behind in Libya has not been received – not even one. See to this at once. The chairWOMAN would take care of this but spending 100 hours a week in the work of the House and doing this job, too, leaves no time for such activity.
***POTUS has requested that Iowa be made to appear as the most advanced state in the Midwest since its Supreme Court has made it official that men can marry men. This contravenes state and federal law (DOM ACT, 1998), which states that marriage must be between one man and one woman. The justices apparently made no further restrictions concerning marriage, so it may take place between men-and-men, not just man-and-man. In other words, the more the merrier, so emphasize that Iowa, as a democrat state, is on a par now with San Francisco, where anything goes. The subject of group marriages will be taken up by the DNC very soon, the better to present the party as forward-looking and fun-loving. POTUS, as everyone knows, has changed his position on this subject from the one he held in 2008 but the rumor that he said exotic-marriage sounds exciting is untrue and he’s said he will not say that again.
***Finally, the tour-buses will not be used for more than three or five days a year, so the OMB has suggested they be rented out for weddings and funerals, not that all such are the same, though some may be. This is a time-saving one-time-for-all thing, meaning that those attending a funeral can be transported immediately to the grave-site without the bother of a funeral procession, and then back to their cars, which can be parked in most any WalMart lot. The same is true for weddings, without the bother of finding the reception-location…just stay in the reclining seat and leave the driving to the non-drunk.
***Good teleprompter-constructors and speech-writers are always in short supply so be advised that applications will be taken for these positions. POTUS, who understands the profoundness of his gravitas and worries that he sometimes speaks “over the head” of his audiences, has said that speeches are always to be directed toward those on the level of a seventh-grade education, so the field is wide-open and the more illiterate among the staff may have an excellent chance of succeeding.